To the hijabi sisters: did you ever feel unworthy of wearing hijab?
Selam sisters! 🌺
I was raised muslim but our family was not hijabi or impose hijab on us, I guess because we also lived in a western country. Past 15 years of my life i walked away from Islam but Alhamdulillah I returned earlier this year, just before Ramadan.
Some recent life events brought me even closer and more seriously to Allah and I have been doing much better at praying consistently and improving my deen overall. I am not wearing hijab yet in public but I have been experimenting with it, i already wear modest loose type of clothes. For a long time I told myself that hijab is not really required but the more I get closer to Allah and read and learn, the more I understand it is about much more than just simply covering your head. When I try it on around the house, I feel so beautiful, clean and just overall at peace (this has been going on for 5-6 months now). So I am feeling a pull in my heart more and more to become a hijabi.
There are a number of issues I feel right now about it: i am scared and ashamed.
I am scared because I don’t want to become the poster muslim woman in my office (there are no other visible muslims), i am not ashamed of being muslim but i am just not ready to explain myself or deal with their staring yet. I live in a very catholic European country. I also don’t know any muslims except for my own family who lives in another country.
I am ashamed because I feel like i don’t deserve to wear a hijab and advertise I am a muslim since I am repenting a lot for my past but especially for my continued choices since I returned to Islam. I feel like it would be insulting to other hijabi sisters for me to dress as beautifully when for a long time i was not a good muslim. I am of course repenting and regretting, but I can’t shake this feeling. This is also why I am hesitant to join a local ummah community because i feel like i will break down and cry if i will be shown any sort of kindness and i will feel undeserving of it and like i will pretend to be “pure” and “clean”. And overall i don’t want to mislead anyone about it.
I also don’t want to just put my hijab on and then in a few weeks to take it off. I know there is no perfect moment, but I think the part that I am struggling with right now is just the overall shame i feel over my past and that I don’t feel like I am worthy of wearing it.
So I am reaching out because I would love your advice or to hear your stories, I noticed there is a lot of reverts as well here, so if you experienced similar thinking, how did you get past all of these feelings?
JazakAllahu khayran, sisters 🤍