u/atx_original512

Finding myself between selfs, between the drunk nights and the crazy life to normalcy. The drunk non sober versions of myself in some slight delusion. I wanna get back there!(To the delusion) I feel like that's where I'm most myself. Like when people say "drunk you is the real you" just unbashful.

I don't talk enough in my own life because I need to start one. Man look at my Elton John wardrobe......

✨ spectacular ✨

I think I'm afraid of going outside again. I always get in these moods but it's gonna be okay. I glad the past few post Ive had many people reached out to me and it helped clear my fogged vision of sobriety/addiction. Time to leave the nitrous in the past and let it stay there. It's just another hole another pit to crawl out of. Plus! (We'll just to be sure) I used all my points and discounts at the stores to make the incentive of going there less appealing. Still crazy to think I spent THAT much money in 1 singular month.

With nitrous I'm not *in the hole* but I DON'T want to be either. I've crawled out of massive pits in my past so this will be easier. Everything is gonna be okay. 👍🏽

I already knew what the answer was. I'm glad I brought it up in general. I mean I'm feeling shame and moving money for nothing. Today is let's say "day one". It's been 1 month to the day since I started using. So let's not use this month and the upcoming months. Let's see what we can do-

I don't feel shame like when I was an alcoholic. It's different but still very real. I haven't fully lost control to this addiction so I "think" I'm in control but let's be honest. I've been a bit off- and I know it's from nitrous. (B12 deficiency) I've been very lazy, just doing nitrous watching movies and TV. Most of which I don't even remember I have to rewatch it a few times.

I was thinking about the person that showed me that this even existed. They are a hippy burnout that's ironically younger then me. Who always has money problems. Idk reality is real let's get with it. My anxiety has been okay I know its been higher from using. Going outside has been hard, just straight up. Work is fine- but doing anything else feels like a real puuuuuussssshhhhhhh. I have/haven't brought them up in therapy. They know I used but don't know I continued through the whole month.

There's a small community of No² users so some subs. Some wanting more, others preaching stories of lost control or having to use canes to walk. Getting some brain damage or muscle issues. So it comes with a price as does everything.

For me, nitrous was used when I was in the worst parts of my life. I'm past those parts so I'm unsure why I want to go back even for such a short feeling. It's gonna be okay though. Thanks for everyone who read/responded to my last post.

Well well well stupid what have you been doing? I mean I don't think so right? Granted I'm looking at my bank statements from the past month and doing the maths. $1500 this past month in this- bills are fine, money is fine. I guess I can afford this but seeing that number what higher then I expected. I really thought it was under $1,000usd. I was debating getting more now seeing that number kinda gave me the ick.

What I'm doing isn't illegal, it's not drugs that can have you sucking dick in the street corner. I'm just kinda floored that much has gone that way. I always have to out some money aside for Lyft when I leave work or when it rains. (It's supposed to rain this week) So I gotta make sure I'm all good.

Then end of this month I'm supposed to be getting the biggest manager bonus I've ever gotten too. So wooo- right. I think I started doing and being able to afford nitrous when I swithed jobs. It started around my bday I said it was gonna be a one off. (Clearly it wasn't) I often wonder if my neighbors can hear me "whippin". Like "that guy has been filling balloons for hours nows".

Overall idk why I'm slightly ashamed of myself. I hate taking out the trash like "this is what I'm choosing to do with my days off" even then gym kinda fell off. (Which is okay I'm going today) So again is this addiction or is this the "slippery slope"but I like the slide but never the down fall. 🙄

Also financially I think it's something TO buy. I got my bed couch rugs my place is almost fully furnished. So I have extra income. Is is bad or just slippery? 🤔 I want someone to tell me it's okay. Cause I need some form of approval.