u/au300

TW: S/H, S*

Hey all,

Going through it as of writing this. I mean, it seems like i am ALWAYS going through it in some capacity.

Since being diagnosed and put on several medication cocktails over the years, I have noticed something absolutely horrific.

I am getting worse rapidly year by year.

The highs and lows are getting more intense with each cycle. What began years ago as unbearable INTERNAL anger has morphed into me physically bringing it to life with horrible words and breaking objects.

The subtle kept-to-myself sadness I used to have has evolved into regular s/h and s* attempts.

Every manic and depressive episode is significantly more dangerous than the last. My thoughts more and more incoherent and disorganized. Then the spending I don't remember. I lose hundreds every month or two on crap?? I owe more biweekly than I make.

The hallucinations are the worst. A little over a year ago it was just auditory and mild visual stuff. In the last year it became intense auditory, intense visual, tactile (being touched/grabbed), olfactory (all food and drink tastes like how roadkill/rotted meat smells, sometimes weeks without eating as a result), and paranoia.

The hallucinations only pick up with mania or stress while either manic or depressed. Any stress at any time brings it on. It fades over time when stress is resolved and i get to deal with "just" my usual up or down. 🙄

Has anyone else felt their bipolar get worse over the years/very quickly? Is this uncommon or reversible? I would love to hear your guy's perspectives and experiences with this, thank you 🖤

TW/ s* ideation/thoughts, sh thoughts

I got discharged from a provincial psychiatric hospital 8 days ago after a one week stay. Those 2 weeks stable but low. Took that second week off work to rest my brain and sleep off new med dosages, that was non negotiable..

Had the last shift of my work rotation today and noticed by mid shift I was in trouble.

I work a physical labor job and we have been slammed. 20k steps/day, lifting/hauling 80lb bags for 9 hrs. little time after work for cooking, shower, sleep. Very fast paced intense work week.

Have been feeling low since getting admitted, got more stable but still low, but something happened at noon today? The low got LOW.

I could only smell distinctive cold winter air/gravel and cigar smoke and kept hearing meowing... at my indoor light industrial job. SHIT!

I have been hallucinating all day since noon and its been getting worse hourly. I know they are hallucinations but but i have to look at my cats every 3 seconds since getting home to tell if they react and if the things are real or not. Or check co workers faces to see if they react while at work.

I am horrified about my hospitalization costing me 1.5 paychecks, i live paycheck to paycheck and and in deep debt to cover my missed shifts. I feel hopeless. I am spiraling. I am beyond exhausted. I had to call the s* hotline 2x.

I feel like all that progress i made in 2 weeks is gone in one day and i am far worse off now.

TW:

I am having dark thoughts: "I should have just passed away and not gotten help, i am way worse off now than before. What was the point of all the suffering and humiliation".

Stress levels and s* thoughts creeping back up to what they were before getting that absolutely humiliating ambulance and plane ride to psych facility hours away.

It is my first rotation/shift set back at work after not working for 2 weeks. Is this work stress? Adjustment period? Meds? Bad day? Money?

Will this be gone in the morning after some real actual rest? I am at a loss. It is 1130pm. I am wrapped in blanket waiting for rescue meds to work. Some insight, a virtual hug, anything please. I feel so lost

Tw: thoughts of s* and sh

Hey guys, struggling with something more than usual.

I am mere days from my cycle, I am experiencing the most atrocious horrible crazy style mood swings and hypo from my PMS. Like I do every month of my life.

Brought it up previously with my family doc, he suggested Midol along with my meds and sent me on my way. To my dismay, Midol does not help much at all.

I am experiencing my usual "doomsday/timebomb end of the world" mental PMS stuff:

-Wanting to leave the country, get fake ID, start a new life. "Just get me OUT"

-Wanting to leave my husband because he left a qtip in the sink and chews like a camel.

-Random bouts of horrendous BLINDING rage, sometimes directed at doing usual tasks (cleaning, cooking, working, etc.) sometimes for no reason.

-All of the above culminates in 12+hrs/day of thoughts of s*, sh, and wanting to destroy everything I own with my bare hands down to the studs. My brain feels like it is inside of a massive church bell being rung endlessly and mercilessly.

Within 24-48hrs of my cycle starting, it fades ridiculously fast. I angry sob and get snappy for the first couple of hours. But before I know it, my flow steadies, I am fine. And I made a fool of myself. Like I do every. Single. Month.

I take my meds religiously on the very moment my alarm goes off, come rain or shine.

I get plenty of exercise, talk to doc, talk to therapist, eat kale, do sweaty yoga on my little mat, sunshine, drink lots of water, vitamin supplements. And I even take that overpriced useless Midol. Holy crap do I ever do it all.

So, how do you guys manage this? Did you request med changes? Is this just how life is going to be for me, or is there something else I should worry about?