Why am I grieving my life while I’m still living it?
Recently, over the past month or so, I’ve developed this overwhelming sadness and anxiety about time passing, growing up, and losing the moments I’m living right now. I know realistically that everyone grows up and that it’s a privilege and that change is a normal part of life, but emotionally I’m absolutely devastated by it. It’s gotten to the point where it’s becoming hard to enjoy the present because I’m constantly thinking about how these moments will eventually be gone.
I’m about to enter my senior year of high school, and instead of feeling excited, I feel like I’m grieving it before it’s even over. I keep thinking about how I’m never going to get these exact moments back again. I’m scared that one day I’ll blink and be 30, 60, or 80 years old desperately wishing I could go back and relive all of this, and it feels like I’m racing against time trying to appreciate everything and slow down time before its gone.
I’m grieving things I never even realized meant this much to me. Little everyday moments like getting called out of school and being picked up by a family member, the “annoying” noises my dad makes, hearing him get ready in the morning, him driving me to or picking me up from work, conversations with my grandma, late-night Walmart runs with family, shopping with my mom.. I could go on and on. Lately I keep thinking about being older someday and desperately missing these moments, and it makes me incredibly upset knowing I can’t keep them forever. I think a lot about my dad and grandma getting older, especially because my grandma has talked about being near death, and it’s making everything feel so real and terrifying to me. I know loss is a normal part of life, but realizing that one day these people and moments won’t be here anymore genuinely scares me. What makes it worse is that even while these moments are happening, part of me is already grieving them. I’m constantly aware that time is passing and that one day this part of my life will just be a memory. I know I’ll grow older and hopefully have future friends, relationships, and maybe even a family of my own someday, to help me and create new memories but right now that thought doesn’t really comfort me because I don’t want to lose what I have now. I feel like I’m racing against time trying to appreciate everything before it’s gone, and it’s gotten to the point where it’s hard to stay present and enjoy life normally. I don’t really know what to do anymore. I’ve considered therapy or talking to my parents, but I honestly don’t even know how to begin explaining this to someone face to face. Do not get me wrong I don’t necessarily struggle with face to face conversation, it’s more of having to explain all this to a parent who might not event get it.. putting this here at least gives me the chance to find someone who understands. I’d really appreciate advice from someone older than myself, thank you in advance.
TLDR: I’ve become overwhelmed with sadness about growing up and eventually losing the little everyday moments with my family.