i fell in love with the person i cant have
i guess i just want to get this off my chest, i (19 nb transmasc lesbian) met someone a month ago (21 nb transfem lesbian) over on reddit, i met them on a queer sub for people in my area and they happened to live in the same city as me so we started texting, right off it felt like we understood eachother so much i instantly felt comfortable with them and they felt the same way, we kept texting nonstop for a whole month, we also get on long calls frequently they even fall asleep on them.
i guess the main issue for me is that i started catching feelings for them, for context im demisexual and demiromantic so i struggle a lot with relationships, i can barely catch feelings for people and the moment i do i lose my mind.
at first i didnt find anything wrong with it i mean its just a crush, we were already getting flirty with eachother, that is until they got too honest about their lovelife, they admitted that they have a main gf that theyre in an open relationship with and are planning to get married to her eventually so all of their current relationships are just for fun, ouch.
so yeah i dont think ill get with them but deciding that doesnt really take my feelings away, i know ill end up hurting myself and breaking my own heart here, but i cant help it, i fantasize about laying in their arms everynight then start crying the next morning because i know ill have to let them go at some point, im hoping that if i keep things platonic for now that ill eventually lose interest.
they really dont want serious relationships and i dont really do dating for fun, i dont even want sex i just want to feel loved and cared for.
they always tell me that they love me in a platonic way and they do say it to everyone else lol, im honestly afraid of them finding out about the way i feel, i really dont want to lose them theyre a really cool and understanding person and i still want them as a friend, im just hoping that i can lose these feelings for them, trying to keep the friendship going doesnt help with that, i dont really show love with words but with actions and i think some of my friends are noticing it with how long and frequent our calls are.
they always joke about how they "know that i love them" ,we did get a little serious about that a few times, they brought up relationships with me and they asked if they'd be a good partner for me (they joke about being a great partner with everyone so i didnt take them seriously) though i did tell them honestly that im looking for a long term relationship and that i know this isnt what theyre looking for, we didnt really bring that up again but they seem to be flirting more and more with me.
im just all over the place at this point, i just dont want to end up in something that would hurt me ive dealt with enough honestly.and i also dont know what they want of me too, if i give them the fun they want would they just ghost and leave me after? will i no longer be considered a friend?.
i didnt tell any of my friends about this other than one person whos very close to me and he doesnt really like the person im attracted to.
he suggested i just block and spare myself the heartbreak and i did do that but they reached out to me again through other people asking what happened (still embarassed about that) i couldnt tell them why so i just made up a lie. also i did cry all night before blocking them.
i guess i just need some advice and maybe for someone to just read this ive been waking up sick and dizzy more often that i should because i wouldnt stop thinking about them.
* english isnt my first language sorry if things dont make sense to you, you can ask me questions!