Rant/Not feeling relieved after good results post ckc
I had my cold knife cone two days ago and the recovery is going okay. They had to take from the cervix and also some tissue past the cervix as I had a swab also come back for CIN3. Just got a call from my surgeon with the results which are best case- no cancer and negative margins. I somehow feel more defeated than when I got the CIN3 results from the colp. I’m grateful that nothing’s wrong, but I will always have this looming over me waiting for the next pap and never believing I’m fully in the clear.
I asked my surgeon about how likely it is that the pap 6 months from now has issues and she couldn’t make an estimate due to how unusual it is that I have (had?) precancer to begin with. I’m the youngest patient she’s treated with this and it feels so unfair. I’m 23, I had my first concerning pap at 19, I was a college athlete, I’m fully sober, I workout everyday and eat well, I have no immunocompromision, I got the vaccine as a kid, my partner got the vaccine as a kid. There is no reason I should have this, all of the doctors keep telling me they have no idea how I got this. If I have it against all odds, I just have a feeling it’s going to keep coming back and it’s some monster strain. Because of my age, they were more conservative with how much they took in the ckc given I want to carry a pregnancy in the future.
I want kids, so badly, but I want to go to grad school and follow all my dreams. I was planning on having kids around 29-30, but it might be a now or never thing if this next pap isn’t clear. I hate that I have to think about this, I hate that no one has any answers for me, I hate walking into a cancer institute and having the pity looks from everyone in there, I hate that I very well might have to chose between having biological children and the career of my dreams that I’m so close to getting, and I hate that I’m ungrateful about results that should be cause for celebration.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for, probably for the pit in my throat since I got good news to go away. I don’t have anyone in my life that can remotely relate or empathize. If anyone has any perspective (for my sanity please positive 😅) I’d really appreciate it, I feel overwhelmingly dejected and I’m very surprised by that which is then making me disappointed in myself.