i am genuinely in a terrible headspace and i dont know how to deal with it
I genuinely dont know what to do anymore with my life and i feel so lost about everything and i really hope someone takes the time to read this and help .e out because i feel so tired and alone.
i have been wearing the hijab since i was 11 years old i am currently 19 years old. and every day is a new feeling.
for context i wore it because i hated and despised my hair texture. yes technically it was my "choice" but i was also 11. if anything i wanted to wear it even before that but i felt self conscious because everyone at school has already seen my hair but the second we moved out i decided to wear it. obviously that decision made my family really happy and had nothing against it. obviously my intentions sucked but as i got older i learned to have a better relationship with my hair. and i didnt hate the hijab or modesty and i fought everyone who insulted it. but as i got older i began noticing double standards that pissed me off. and just so everyone knows i am heavy on female empowerment and justice i dislike the word feminist but i align more with "womanist".
the point is everything is grossing me out. the fact that i cant wear a tank top because i have a father has ruined my relationship with my dad completely i feel like tearing my skin off daily. and im constantly uncomfortable. my brothers are actually very modest but recently my brother decided to wear a pair of jorts and my mom celebrated it like crazy and i told her if i wore that would she react the same way? and she kept giving me this whole lecture on men and women are different.
its even more frustrating when your dad goes swimming shirtless and then comes home to tell you that your clothes are too tight sometimes even when you are at home. its so disgusting.
recently i have been telling my mother that i dont want to shave and that i need to be comfortable in my own body the way it is and she kept telling me its hygienic which is not true. my brother has a lot of body hair and i was jokingly tellinf him ew you should shave and my mom suddenly got up and defended him saying dont listen to your crazy sister dont shave if you dont want to. and when i mentioned that she kept telling me to shave she went on again about how men and women are different.
everyone is disengious recently i decided to do a deconstructing journey and wanted to understand islam more. i did this with a friend whom i loved so much at the time she made me feel so seen bec she claimed that she also was deconstructing but eventually the relationship seemed into where i was the one who had more questions and she was just answering them and explaining them to me. one time a certain "exmuslim/atheist" creator pissed me off online and made many ridiculous claims i was venting to her about it and after we talked she said "you know i was starting to get worried about you with all the questions you had i thought you were getting brainwashed glad to see you are on the right track" i felt so angry and betrayed because i thought we were both learning and exploring our thoughts together except she just had a singular perspective and focused on answering me.
on top of that i also hate antitheists and western feminist who infantilize and constantly make claims the muslim women are stupid and that they are the peak of intelligence. and obsessed with undressing muslim women. so much harm to muslim women told in progressive language. so much entitlement and feeling that muslin women owe them exposure.
but i also hate my conservative family and their perceptions. i hate conservatives in general. i hate how when i tripped and fell on this metal thing that went straight to my chest and caused severe bruising on my body the first thing my mom decided to tell me was check my relationship with God. i hate how a bit my neck from the back was showing and my started to slur shame me. i hate how when i posted something on tiktok my dad called me a prostitute.
i want to take it off so bad and redevelop my relationship with my body and the hijab. but its been too long and it just feels wrong i dont know what to do. but i also hate those anti islamic idiots that are so desperate for me to take it off and use me to hurt others. and i hate quranists too they piss me off. everyone does. i genuinely dont know how to feel or what to do.
i havent prayed in months but at the same time i believe in god but at the same time i dont know. i am so stressed. because on top of that i have adhd and i am always anxious my sleep scheduled is fucked my grades are horrible the fact that i used to dream of going to harvard and oxford seems so stupid and childish now my parents dont seem to understand anything i say and neither do my friends. i am failing in everything. and i dont know what to do anymore. i am so tired and drained and confused.