dad - it feels weird to even say that word for me
i’ve never had a dad. i tried, for a minute, to contact the sperm donor & met him and he never contacted me again, despite leaving that door wide open.
it made me feel stupid. which in turn, makes me feel stupid, it’s a whole cyclical thing. i’m 38 years old and i was not much younger when i met this man who didn’t remember i existed and i should be fine. i have a mom and stepmom who love me a lot.
i was raised to the best of my mom’s ability. she did everything she did for me. i was loved so much. but i always knew the story: “i gave him a choice to be involved or not, and he chose not.” it makes you feel a drop in your stomach that never goes away.
one time at pride last year i actually talked to and hugged one of those people that offer the dad hugs and i cried a little. i felt like a fraud a tiny bit bc it’s not like i was rejected for queerness but, i think it’s still ok. i guess since it was for just existing, y’know?
anyways. i got approved for an apartment. it’s one of those 30% of your income deals and i’m on ssi so it’s kind of a huge deal. it’s also a huge deal bc i’ve been effectively homeless/crashing w friends for the last, 6 months? jesus. but so, it’s a huge deal. i still don’t know when i move in, i still don’t know much other than they didn’t tell me i can’t have it. they’re not telling me i have to stay homeless.
my mom said she’s proud of me and i feel like all i did was let other people help. which i guess can be hard and i certainly wasn’t taught how to do that but, i don’t know what *i* did. i just waited. worried. tried. idk.
i know i’m a whole adult who should have it together but i don’t, and even though this is amazing i’m overwhelmed and scared i’m gonna fuck it up. any encouragement or advice is appreciated.