u/ballinforbuckets

I randomly stumbled upon open awareness meditation (sometimes called zen meditation), after years of only practicing the more traditional mindfulness meditation (repeatedly bringing the attention back to the breath when the mind wanders). The open awareness practice is very simple - close your eyes and just notice (observe) where your mind goes. It can go to one place over and over again, or it can go from one place to the next to the next to the next in rapid succession. It does not matter what the mind does; in fact this is part of the point in that we are fully allowing the mind to go wherever it wants. We are 'letting go' of control, and instead simply noticing what is happening in our internal experience. As the mind goes wherever it may, we can also start to notice all the urges and desires that arise. And we can especially notice that while these urges and desires are involuntary, they do not have to be acted upon - especially the urge to think.

Thinking (or ruminating) feels like an automatic process, but this open awareness practice really allowed me to understand how 'thinking' is voluntary. However, the 'thinking' response for me was so conditioned that it felt automatic. If I spend 20 minutes in this open awareness meditation, I am able to have many, many reps of the mind going somewhere, followed by a noticing of the urge to engage in thinking. Practicing this noticing of 'thoughts' (involuntary) and not immediately spilling over into 'thinking' has made it much easier to notice and stop rumination in everyday life. Before, there was kind of a blurry line for me between where thoughts are happening (involuntary) and where thinking is starting (voluntary). I did not understand this delineation as well as I thought. Now, I feel like I have a firm idea of where this line is, and what I can and cannot control.

With mindfulness meditation, although I had taken a course and read numerous books on the subject, I was never able to experience this ability to 'let go' like I am with open awareness meditation. I think by repeatedly coming back to the breath, I was unconsciously suppressing my emotions. I was never able to just have the emotional experience without resistance because I always felt like I 'had to do something' (return to the breath). I knew theoretically that the best response to anxiety was to do nothing, but I never had that lived experience of 'doing nothing' until stumbling upon this zen meditation technique.

I think that in spite of my best efforts and knowledge (from various therapists, books, podcasts, etc), there was a lot of internal/unconscious resistance to 'doing nothing' that I was unaware of, and could not 'stop' doing because I wasn't aware of it. Open awareness meditation gave me, for the first time, the lived experience of 'doing nothing.' The more I practice 'doing nothing', the more easily I am able to apply it in everyday life.

I also think it is a good reminder that knowledge and theory is only as good as your ability to apply it. I knew very well the principles for recovery from anxiety, and the importance of letting go. I wanted to let go, but I did not know how to. Now I feel like I can finally 'let go.'

Edit: Here is a photo taken from the book 'Get out of your mind and Into your life' by Steven Hayes where I learned about this open awareness meditation https://imgur.com/a/M88V1FM