not just losing my husband, but my best friend
(trigger warning for 4th/5th paragraph)
how to come to terms with losing your best friend? that's honestly the hardest part for me right now. the person I could laugh with, always be myself with... the person I spent almost every day with. We could rely on each other to pick up the slack if one of us was not doing so well etc etc. I do have other friends, but don't see them too often. I can take a step back now, and realize the issues we've had since the very beginning made us incompatible, let alone the issues I only recently found out about. I know now that we don't have what I thought we had. And I know that even if I go through with divorce, while it feels like losing my best friend, I know I've ALREADY lost him. Or really, he was never fully there to begin with. I can acknowledge that in my mind, but I guess my heart is being a little baby out of nowhere 😅 right now it's telling me that he does love me, and if he can ditch this addiction, then we'll finally have the romance, intimacy, and connection I've been needing. If he can just address the core issues through therapy, he can be a more open person BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am well aware that's soooo unlikely. I do keep affirming to myself that things never changed in our relationship all of these years, so why would they now? Even if they could, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him and feel as freely as I did before. Anyways. Mini rant 1 over.
I couldn't remember the last time I cried. Weeks, over a month ago? Maybe 2? I don't know. I kind of settled into survival mode I guess. And resentful mode. Completely disconnected mode. But the last few weeks I've been sleeping worse than ever. Today, I've felt so on edge. I saw a video of someone acting like a mom, being so understanding and supportive and I had to fight myself not to cry. Maybe because I haven't talked to my mom about any of this. I haven't talked to anyone face to face.
Anyways, he went to bed in his room, and I kept scrolling on my phone in mine. I still felt like I was on the edge and I needed to let go. I finally listened to a song on repeat that I cried to in the shower before (lol). After the second or third listen, I was finally able to cry. It wasn't even for long (how long do people normally cry? 😅 wtf). I don't know if it helped or not. I'm just exhausted with a headache, now. But why all of a sudden, now?
Maybe because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't be with him any longer? We're incompatible. Maybe I'm now seeing divorce as an eventuality, instead of a possibility? I want to figure out something in the next few months, I think. I can't imagine another year+ of this... But I'm scared for him. I'm scared for me, too, but I'm more scared for him since he doesn't have the support and presence of others that I have... and I know that's not my fault, but I'm still so, so worried for him. It doesn't help that (TRIGGER WARNING) I had an ex that had a suicide attempt a little after we broke up. It was when I was moving my stuff out. I was the one who figured out the location and police were able to find and help him, thankfully. But I'm definitely still traumatized by it. I could NOT live with myself if I left and something happened to my husband... I know that responsibility isn't really on me, but how do I convince myself of that!? I can't, and it's driving me crazy. I keep wondering if we need to stay married longer (even if we aren't really acting as partners anymore) to give him a chance to build some sort of support system, but. Idk. Idk if that's in any way realistic and also what does that mean for me. Probably crazy to divorce even while finishing out a lease together(?) I'm sure it's ideal to live separately asap/have that figured out before divorce? Ack.
Sorry. It's just an especially rough night tonight. I feel like I want out, but I need time. And I don't want to hurt anyone... But also how long can I go on like this. Sometimes I just really want a space away from him... thankfully we have separate rooms, but as an example, he comes home for lunch and wants to have a conversation and stuff and a big part of me doesn't want to. I just want to be left alone. And I feel terrible about it! Wtf. But then if I really think about it, being without him seems scary/sad. And I'm really having trouble coming to terms with it. Fml