I live constantly feeling like I’m on the run from the law and I don’t know how to cope
To get the big thing out first, very frequently lately I have become absolutely and utterly convinced that I have committed a crime that I blocked out from my memory or overlooked and that I am on the run and being looked for. The most common of these fears is that I ran someone over and kept going and that there is blood all over my car and that the car behind me surely slowed down because they can’t believe I didn’t stop and they are recording my plate, that when I was backing out of my parking spot I hit the car behind me and left and am actively doing a hit and run, that I somehow messed with the money in the safe at work or left the doors unlocked and they are actively being robbed or I must have accidentally robbed it myself, that I accidentally must have stumbled upon something or messaged something on my phone that has me flagged or on some sort of list somewhere and I just don’t remember, that all of these scam texts and phone calls are legitimate and my license really is about to get suspended or something stupid like I’ve missed a court date and have a fee to pay or else. I could really go on and on and on about these situations that sound so ridiculous but I am in absolute confident fear that I somehow did. I had one (the first) incident, where I was convinced I did a hit a run on accident and tapped a car in a parking lot even though I felt nothing and there was absolutely no damage on either car - so much so I drove 30 minutes back to the parking lot only to see a ton of police cars in a semi adjacent area (… sort of close) and a hit and run marker on the crime website and absolutely spiraled and didn’t sleep for 4 days and apologized to every member of my family because I was convinced they were going to come to their door looking for me because it’s the address on my license. I freaked out my partner, and at my graduate school interview rhe next morning some part of my brain really thought there might be a possibility cops would be waiting for me at the doors. This was months ago and nothing happened, I still get scared about it. Yesterday I went to the movies and was convinced I hit someone and parked like nothing happened and was digging my nails into my palm the whole movie thinking my theater was going to be searched. It feels so suffocating, I’ve tried not getting reassurance by constantly checking but it somehow doesn’t make it better because my brain thinks about all the things that might be there since I didn’t look. I drive back to work in the middle of the night to circle the building because I’m so paranoid I did something wrong and am going to be fired.
I (24F) have noticed a huge shift in how I think and feel and live within the last year. I’ve always had terrible anxiety and it’s been largely joked about my whole life, very shy and antsy and a long bout with an eating disorder in my teenage years, but after a series of reallllyyyy bad events in my life that happened in such a short amount of time (cheated on, being kicked out, new city I didn’t want to move to with no friends no money, forced to go into a leadership role, living alone for the first time) I feel like something in my brain literally shifted. I don’t know if this is something that has been overlooked my whole life and I’ve always had it and this just skyrocketed it to the surface, but it began with basic compulsions like making sure everything is unplugged and the door is locked, then to getting cameras for inside and outside my apartment so I can consistently check if my cats are okay and alive and recheck if I locked the door. Then I started not trusting myself in the videos of me locking my door, as if I somehow am lying about yanking on the door knob multiple times and saying it’s locked directly to the camera, and I would drive all the way back to check again or to go inside and check that everuthing is safe for my cats. I feel so embarrassed talking about this to anyone in my life and I have this insane cloud of guilt and fear following me everywhere and I don’t know what to do about it. I also somehow feel like a fraud. I can’t explain. I’m starting a masters degree soon for mental health counseling and it feels sort of like a comedic joke that I would be in a position like that. Like I mentioned before, I’ve been attempting lately to stop seeking reassurance and checking but it is proving to be very difficult and it’s causing a spike in my fears. Any advice? Has anyone experienced persistent thoughts like these?