u/bean_pan

i feel like a chud for venting here

im so sick and tired especially after multiple people in my life have found out about my sh. my parents and my teachers. my mom has threatened to do naked body checks on me if she ever finds any new cuts (and i have been harming myself, just at areas she cant see) even if i do not consent. she has also said that if she finds any new ones, she'd try to get me admitted to a mental health institution. she keeps on implying that if i ever cvt again it would be my fault that she violates my privacy, which isnt wrong, but it just disturbs me.

obviously ive tried talking about my feelings and problems to "trusted adults", but apparently if im too honest about my mentally ill thoughts people will be "disgusted" and "disturbed" and i'll get lectured!! wowie. despite them knowing how mentally fucked i am they don't take me seriously at all. they all think im lazy.

"you can't just say things like this!! it will go in your record and-" shut up. please. im so fucking tired of trying to pretend im normal.
"despite us being very lenient to you, you still choose to harm yourself." i didnt even know what to say. i know they care about me but that stung.
"being upset isnt a valid excuse for self h@rm becaue you're doing it to yourself." ..

i dont even wanna know why my mom said these things. ive talked to my parents honestly and openly LIKE THEY ASKED and i even phrased my thoughts in the nicest way possible. ive admitted that i like self harm and they responded with something like, "if you really enjoy it, then there may be something sick in your head and you have to get professional help" YET you still havent gotten me in therapy despite you constantly talking about it. not like i want fuckass therapy anyways

they think i can quit cold turkey. they think that it isnt an addiction. they keep on pressuring me to fade my scars. >!my mom has admitted that she harmed herself in her teens too, yet!< she pressures me to fade my scars when theyre the only thing that makes my trauma feel valid. i know that's a normal response from a parent but im not sure how to convey that i like my scars to her because anything that signals i like self harm will automatically ring an alarm in her brain.

i feel like my trauma isnt valid either. ive struggled with >!heavy sexual harrassment/assault !<in my childhood, though most of it was online. i cant even count the number of times it happened. it was probably more than 10. i still feel like it's my fault to this day. ive also struggled with physical and verbal bullying in my early childhood (6-9). but everyone goes through it so it "isnt valid".

my dad is emotionally unstable and he constantly throws physical and verbal tantrums when things dont go his way. even after my mom spoke to him about his cigarettes being one of the causes for my sh he still continues to smoke in my face. he's a selfish bitch who only cares about himself and his routine and his needs only. he loves us but he hurt me and my mom before and i wont hesitate to say this online. i hate him so much.
i was constantly >!sexually harassed !<when i reached age 12. the boys in my class would constantly talk about my body inappropriately and make lewd comments. they'd point out how "large" my chest and butt was in front of me. one of them used ai to generate inappropriate pics of me and sent them to me. i'll never forget it.

then, there was love bombing at 13. it left me mentally scarred. im a people pleaser and will always be, but he took advantage of that and manipulated me throughout our friendship. he disgusts me. i dont want to explain this because i wanna forget all of it. the love bombing lasted for 6 months. it was on and off. it may not sound like much but i was struggling then and using my struggles against me and fishing for comfort when i was in distress myself ripped me apart. and guess what? now he's moved on to other girls and completely ignores me. im glad he does though, because he's extremely rude.

that's all i have to say and all i can remember. this sound so corny but god im just happy i got everything out. i dont know what id do without this sub, ty guys :)