u/berfica

For the last two days my visual hallucinations have been back. They were basically gone. My visual distortions are back too, especially when I drive(not exactlysafe..but what do you do). My loxapine got increased Wednesday. Maybe it just needs time. I saw my psych NP and told her I'm doing well.. Then bam! Hallucinations are back, well the auditory never left mostly. Just not as frequent or understandable. I thought I was entering recovery.

My psych NP told me once if I'm still having symptoms I'm still in psychosis. How long did it take other people to go into recovery? What was it like? Do you still hallucinate?

I'm on SSDI and I need to be. I've been impatient over 30x and stress makes all my symptoms worse, but I feel horrible guilt. I live with my older brother(and parents who I caretaker) and he's a manager at a hardware store. I feel horrible seeing him leave for work. I wonder if he resents me sometimes(he probably doesn't much. That's not the kind of person he is).

Does anyone else deal with disability guilt? How do you deal? Am I a waste… I feel so much guilt and a failure at adulthood.

I hate that its an invisible illness. I hate having to explain that you can't see me hallucinate a lot of the time, and that doesn't mean I'm not.

My positive symptoms have gotten better over the last few weeks. However I can't get myself to do anything. I have to assume its a negative symptom thing because I used to do art all day. Now I just sit around watching youtube. I don't actually want to do things.. I just WANT to want to do them. If that makes sense. I feel like a waste. A pointless human being.

Do others feel this way? Did it go away? How do you find meaning in recovery?

Edit: just saw my practitioner and she says if it continues e can up my vyvanse(I'm also adhd)

Editededitit: man I just spent a half hour telling my practitioner my positive symptoms were ok, manageable... All of a sudden my visual hallucinations are back!! Wtf

I've been different from others all my life and mentally ill since 13. I'm weird and quiet and I always have been. In high school and college I was able to become the crazy artist. So it was ok. It worked in my favor.

I feel like I was destined to have this illness. It was always going to be like this. But I promised myself in hs I'd never become the crazy artist that amounts to nothing but I did anyway. I wish I knew how to be normal or at least more normal.

We're others weird/different before your illness? Mentally ill?

My first diagnosises were around 14, depression, anxiety and an ED..