Someone I’m dating disclosed something traumatic/confusing from his past and I don’t know how to move forward
Hi y'all. I'm not used to reddit, so sorry for any incorrect usages of stuff. But I’m in deeply need of advice.
TW: COCSA
I (25F) have been going out with a guy (26M) for a couple of months, and things have recently started to feel more serious. He has been extremely caring and supportive, especially during a recent hospitalization I went through, where he showed up for me in ways no one else had before. He’s sweet, attentive, smart, and genuinely kind. All of his female friends speak highly of him, my family really loves him, and his family seems to like me as well.
However, recently, in a wholehearted conversation where we were talking about or fears and secrets, he told me one of his deepest secrets, he disclosed some difficult childhood experience (TW) an adult family member (I think one of his uncles) who was supposed to be taking care of him and his cousins, showed and exposed them to very explicit sexual material from an early age (10) and how bc of that he developed an inappropriate sexual behavior with one of his male cousins (11). It started as mutual exploration and it evolved to the whole act. They did that for a couple of months. However after a while the other party stated that he wanted to stop doing those acts bc he felt like they were wrong. My bf agreed, but he wanted to do it one last time, so he did it while his cousin was asleep. His cousin never noticed.
He told me he immediately felt that what he did was terribly wrong and expressed deep guilt and shame about it. He shared that ever since it happened, it has affected his mental health, as well as his relationship with intimacy, contributing to years of hypersexual behavior, he has had around 40-50 sexual partners, all female (which he clarified has all been consensual). However he admit he has a hard time saying no, even when he didn’t want to do it. He also said he has struggled in the past with depression and suicidal thoughts, including an attempt related to feeling unworthy of happiness bc of this situation, and that he has been in therapy for some time working it. He explained that he has already apologized to his cousin, and that they are currently on good terms. He added that I am one of the few people who knows about this, he told his mom, his best friend, his ex, and me. As his biggest fear is being judged or hated for it. He told me all of this while visibly overwhelmed with guilt and shame, he was shaking, his eyes were tearing up and appeared deeply distressed. He also expressed fear that I might not want to continue a relationship with him after hearing it, and shared that for a long time he felt he didn’t deserve happiness or a healthy relationship because he saw himself as a bad person. Despite this, he chose to be honest with me as our relationship is becoming more serious, and he wanted to fully disclose what he considers the worst thing he has done.
We actually haven’t had been intimate like that. He has been consistently respectful since the beginning and has never crossed any physical boundaries. Even when we kiss, he is very gentle and sweet. We’ve been going out for months, and I only found out about this yesterday.
The thing is… hearing all of this changed something in me emotionally. I feel guilty even admitting that because I don’t think he’s an evil person and I can see how much shame and pain he carries. But I also can’t ignore that I had a strong physical and emotional reaction to what I heard, and it changed the way I see him. I feel torn between empathy and compassion for him, appreciation for his honesty and vulnerability, recognition of how caring he has been with me, and at the same time a sense of feeling emotionally overwhelmed and somewhat less romantically safe or connected after learning all of this.
I know he was very young at the time, and that he should never have been exposed to that kind of material by his uncle in the first place. I don’t think he acted out of malice, but it still happened, and I’m aware that his biggest fear is being judged but I can’t stop thinking about it and noticing how it changed the way I see him. I feel conflicted.
Is it unfair that this has changed how I perceive him or that I now feel uncertain about moving forward in the relationship? I just want to understand this whole situation.