From an older NGU to the next generation
Someone linked this subreddit to me and after browsing it I decided I would drop a post but I wont hang around because you kiddos deserve your space, but I think it can be helpful to hear from someone older who has dealt with this their whole life.
I am going to start with it gets better! I found a partner that accepts me, got over my fears of expressing myself, and live my life my way on my terms and its good. I don’t try to suppress my feelings, I embrace them. I let myself be silly, be childish, and be loved.
I am 45 now, but I’ve had age dysphoria since I was too young to realistically even call it that.
Age dysphoria wasn’t a term when I was growing up. There was no agere communities, it was lonely and isolating.
It was a struggle my whole life. I was bullied mercilessly my entire childhood. I was trans and had ADHD, but I wouldn’t know that until I was an chrono-adult. ADHD kids back then didn’t “behave” like I did, they didn’t struggle the ways I did, so I went undiagnosed and dealt with it the best a little chrono-kid can. There were no such thing as Trans people to the world at large, I was just “weird” and “gay” to classmates. I had long hair, was smaller than all my classmates, and feminine which made me a target for every kid to beat on, my parents were indifferent and mostly ignored all of it and me most of the time. I sat alone, silently, waiting for whatever hate or violence would come my way.
I didn’t understand why no one liked me or cared what happened to me. With all that trauma I just kinda got stuck emotionally. I craved soft things, bright colors, and parents that cared.
I was still carrying plushies with me in high school, watching sesame street, and playing pretend with blocks when my classmates were out partying. This was the 90’s, and it was NOT a good time to be the obviously queer kid that refused to grow up. The bullying never got better. I became mean and full of shame. I was angry towards the world because that was how the world was to me, and I felt ashamed about everything I enjoyed and wanted. I would cry about it at night and rock myself asleep alone. I was miserable, and it made me a terrible person. I hoped I would grow out of it and grow up; at some point I would feel like an chrono-adult and things would click for me and I would progress.
They did not, and I did not.
I eventually went off to college in the city and, but unlike k-12 I made friends, friends that liked me for who I was. My anger got better, I became comfortable expressing my childishness, and I realized I could live as a girl. I stopped dressing for others and started expressing myself. I had friends that would engage with me on my level, just because they liked me! It was a completely different world and I realized I could embrace that part of myself. I built a chosen family that supported me. After I graduated I eventually met another person like me, and we got married.
So I never grew out of it or up. Instead I grew into it. I’m typing this from my play tent, in a cute dress surrounded by plushies while my wife makes me Mac ‘n cheese. I do the chrono-adult things I have to do, but I do it on my terms. I have a playroom, a bed with rails, and every toy I ever wanted. I don’t feel shame when I get cranky or have tantrums, or when I need snuggles or a story read to me. There is a place out there for people like us, and you can find it.
