u/bigoldsunglasses

I’m looking in to blue collar work, specifically welding but I’m still figuring that part out. I have no degree, I have literal panic attacks when I think about school.

I never learned algebra, I was barely getting the hang of fractions before the lack of education started in my house. My mom went back to college in the midst of my brother and I still being in school, so our schooling basically stopped once hers started.

when I say I am bad at math, I mean it. I can do basic basic basic math. that’s it.

I’m trying to force myself to attempt some sort of career, some sort of plan to at least help me get away from my parents, since Im still stuck living with them (I can’t afford to leave).

what do I do in regards to relearning math? I 100% need it if I want any job that will give me enough money. I dont know where to start. I am so so so beyond behind and I have such a hard time comprehending it, I always kind of have.. I mean I’ll have an emotional meltdown trying to understand what’s going on.. I have no solid plan in regards to my career , I just know I want to be able to make enough to never have to see or need my parents ever again, which is why I’m looking in to blue collar options. I cannot see myself going back to school at all, I just can’t… so, what are my options for math? I have Kahn Academy on my radar, but where do I even start with the math?!!?

This is my last and final hope / attempt. genuinely. otherwise I just don’t care anymore if this doesn’t work out.. I know it sounds dramatic but, I’m obviously not cut out for this world, I wasn’t set up to be either which doesn’t help.. I’m over it

I hate them with every fiber in my being. I go through spurts where I can feel sympathy for them, less anger, less sadness, but there is always hatred behind all of it. I hate them. I hate that I got stuck with them as parents. I hate them for talking me out of college, for saying no to the ideas and career paths I wanted, for discouraging me from getting a proper education so that I could have a decent job, I hate them for dismissing me any time I asked for help with understanding credit, when Id ask them to help me choose a credit card and they’d say, “why do you need one” (I’m currently 25, I had started asking them at 21 because I never realized how important it was) and I’d say, well I’m an adult, and plus I want to move out one day, then they’d say, “why do you want to move out??? how is moving out any different than living with us???” mind you, they MADE me use life360, still held a sort of curfew over my head, they were still telling me what i could or couldn’t do… I hate them for raising me as a Christian, I hate them for trying to spread their bigotry and judgmental bullshit on to me as an innocent child, I hate my dad for taking advantage of a traumatized woman and getting her pregnant over and over when she wasn’t ready, I hate my mom for falling into his trap and having so many kids, I hate her for not taking the necessary steps to be able to handle having kids, I hate them for locking me in the house all day everyday, I hate them for calling me selfish and ungrateful for begging them my entire life to put me in to public school, I hate my mom for not taking me to the doctor when I was 14 because I noticed I had signs of PMDD (turns out I do), I hate her for not taking me to the dentist when I told her something was wrong with my jaw (I now have horrible tmj) i tried to go to her for depression, anxiety, social anxiety, self hatred, all of it was dismissed and ignored. I hate my parents for looking me in the eyes as a child and telling me that im being attacked by demons, that theres demons in my room tormenting me, that the devil himself is attacking me, the countless nights back to back I couldn’t sleep due to nightmares, sleep paralysis all about demons and hell and the rapture, i hate them for the toxic purity culture that has physically fucking damaged my vagina, has lead me to be too scared to ever be intimate with anyone, I hate them for dismissing my begs and pleads to go to public school, but the one time my brother mentioned it my mom actually considered it, I hate them for dangling private school over my face for months until it came time for the school year to start and she dropped the bomb on me that I’d just be homeschooled until I graduate, I hate them for keeping me from getting a car until I was 20, I hate them for keeping me from getting my first job until I was almost 21, I hate them for making me stay behind to raise my nephew for two years in highschool when I finally thought I’d experience freedom, I thought I’d finally get my foot into the world, I thought I’d get my first job and meet people and learn how to function in society, I had hope for my future because I thought I’d get to join the rest of the world, only to have a baby dumped on me even though my brother was also still at home and not working, and hes older than me, the only reason he didn’t raise the baby is because “he’s a boy and girls are better with babies” I fucking hate my parents I fucking HATE them I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM!!!!!!! once upon a fucking time I had drive and a will to live and hope for my future, it’s like any time there was a chance for me to LEAVE them, they fucking took it from me. I fucking hate them and I already know I will not survive this. even if I last another 10 years on earth I will not survive the psychological and physical damage that had been done to me, i hate them so much I hate being their child I hate that my soul got trapped with these motherfuckers I hate that they completely stole my youth and my 20s. I fucking hate them with everything i am . I hate them. when I die I will leave a note and I will make sure they know how much I hate them and have hated being their child on this earth and I hope to everything that exists we do not ever cross paths in any other life. I have no more hope. I never learned algebra, I never went to college because I’ve been focusing on working random jobs and trying to make up for lost youth and time, now I’m 25, still stuck with them, daily suicidal ideation, I can’t keep up with anything. I cannot handle school. the word school alone sends bolts of lightning through my body and I immediately start crying, I start going down a spiral and I want to hurt myself. I am fucked in this world, they did nothing to prepare me. all they focused on my whole life was making sure I went to heaven, making sure I knew how evil and gross sex was, and that the rapture would happen in my lifetime. these are the most consistent things they have ever taught me. i hate them I could go on for hours and hours about what they’ve done and failed to do I fucking hate them

(edit: thanks so much for the support guys.. it means a lot.. and thanks for offering help and advice.. and please excuse any and all typos, my fingers were moving at the speed of light during that fit)

I am turning 25 next month.. I still live at home with my parents. My mental health is bad bad, but, my will to live is non existent. I held out hope for all of my life, my parents brutally murdered my spirit and drive and stole my youth, my early 20s have been spent navigating flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, emotional outburst, self harm, I’ve been dealing with these things my entire life, I thought id be long gone and living off on my own, far away from them by now. Every time I had the chance to attempt to start my life, care for my future, get a job, go to college in the past, my parents ruined it in some way. Either by completely and utterly destroying my self confidence and self esteem and belittling me, the job or the college, or they’d dismiss me when Id ask them to help me with things like getting a license, a credit card, a car, a job, school. all of that to say, I wasn’t able to get my first job until I was almost 21. I’ve spent these last four years trying different jobs, trying to do things I’ve never been able to do like travel (I travel within the US maybe once a year), go to concerts and fully enjoy them, I’ve been trying to slow down and let myself heal, let my nervous system heal… I feel like my parents have completely stolen my youth from me and my ability to enjoy it, so I’ve almost been trying to make up for those lost years NOW, but I’m going to be 25, I’m a barista and I still live at home. Ive been looking into trade work, felt like I might’ve found a sort of light, you can make a good life for yourself with it.. so, I was looking into stuff like welding, being an electrician, construction, whatever… heard about this aptitude test, realized math was a big part of it and my heart sank. I genuinely was not taught past 8th grade math, or even 8th grade math.. maybe even 7th.. I went and looked up an example of 8th grade math and felt my face go hot, anxiety immediately started building up. Im fucked. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I do not have a will to live as it is, I thought trade would be a way to help me somehow have a will if it means I’ll be able to afford to be 100% completely free of them (my parents), but my brain literally cannot do math. it cant.. so now i feel like the trade idea is out the window, at least a trade with good pay.. I don’t know if I have some sort of fucking math comprehension disorder but my brain just can’t. I’m fucked. I wasnt even given a proper chance. what the hell did my parents think I would do with my life without an education ???????????? ?????? I genuinely don’t know what to do. when I thought of suicide throughout my life (I’ve struggled with ideation since I was a little girl, got dismissed as demons attacking me and brushed aside) it felt sort of scary and sad. when I think of it now, it almost calms my heart and my breathing and it feels like such a peaceful option.. I genuinely mean it when I say, I am TRYING to give myself the chance at life that I wasn’t given from the start, I’m making an appointment with my doctor to keep up with my SSRI and to also speak about more mental health recourses and options, I’ve been looking in to trade because again, thought it would help me in the LONG run meaning I’m trying to plan for my future, I’ve been working out in my room to invest in my physical health, I’m going to take a break from smoking…. I’m really really really trying but it is so mentally hard and it’s even harder knowing this all could’ve been avoided, I begged my parents for my entire life to put me in school, to teach me, to care about my future. instead they kept me in that house like a caged dog, force fed me ideas that terrified me in to submission, manipulated me, emotionally neglected and psychologically abused me…. and then kept me from having a proper fucking education 😭😭😭what hell do I do with my life if I cannot make it even remotely close to 8th grade math, no will to live. what do I do. what are you adults doing ???????