Am I throwing away an 8-year relationship over communication problems, or have I ignored them for too long?
I've been going back and forth in my own head for weeks now, so I'd really appreciate outside opinions because I honestly don't trust my own judgment anymore. Disclaimer: long post ahead!
My (ex) bf 37, and I were together for about 8 years. We broke up once, got back together, and now I think it's over again. The thing is, if someone asked me whether he was a bad person, I'd probably say no. That's why this is so confusing. At the same time, I don't know if I can spend my life feeling the way I felt with him. After all those years he kinda feels like family also. He did ask me to marry him several times and i always said yes but i want to wait till we solve some issues i will mention below.
The first breakup happened because our relationship had become almost completely sexless due to his erectile disfunction issue. This wasn't a few months. It had been years. I felt unwanted and unattractive for a very long time. I tried talking about it, I even cried and begged him to go see a doctor, he always said yes but didnt take any action. He always blamed everything on "our" stresful lives (we were doing a phd) and he kept insisting that his ED was mostly due to me searching for jobs and dealing with graduation and all that. I tried to communicate life is not always butterflies and sooth sailing, yet he kept bringing the same issue almost saying because of me. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore and I ended the relationship.
After we broke up, he came back and we started talking again. During those conversations he suggested an open relationship and then us getting married asap. I said no immediately. I didn't need time to think because I already knew my answer. That turned into an argument because he said I reject ideas too quickly, that I never think about things properly, that I'm not solution oriented and that I should at least consider it. I remember thinking that I shouldn't have to defend why I don't want an open relationship.
A while later he apologized. He said he didn't know what he was talking about, that he had panicked, that he hadn't really understood what an open relationship meant, and he asked me to give him another chance. I loved him and eight years is a long time, so I did.
When we got back together, we also tried having sex again. I had really hoped things would be different. Instead it was basically a quick kiss, he went straight into intercourse, finished within a couple of minutes and that was it. I asked him, "Is that all?" because I genuinely couldn't believe it. I wasn't trying to humiliate him. I was hurt. Instead of asking me what I was missing or why I felt disappointed, he got upset and started saying that I was making him feel inadequate and small. He was very surprised that I hadn't enjoyed it at all. I remember asking him, "What exactly did you do to make me enjoy it?" and he said something like, "Maybe next time." I cried afterwards because I felt even more undesirable than before.
Looking back, I think that's actually the point where I started realizing the biggest issue wasn't even sex anymore. It was communication. I constantly felt like my own experiences were up for debate.
If I told him someone had upset me, instead of first understanding why, he'd often explain why they probably didn't mean it that way. If I said I felt disrespected by something he did, I'd end up having to convince him that I really felt disrespected instead of talking about why I felt that way.
One thing that happened really stayed with me. There was a period where there was no heating or hot water in our apartment because of maintenance. I dealt with almost everything myself. I argued with the landlord, arranged temporary shower, coordinated with neighbours and spent hours trying to solve practical problems. At the end of the day I told him I actually felt proud because I'd managed to get so much done. His response was that he'd vacuumed and gone grocery shopping. I wasn't comparing us. I just wanted someone to say, "That sounds like a really difficult day."
Another time I told him I wanted to spend one hour a week volunteering as an English conversation partner for a Ukrainian woman. Instead of just saying it sounded nice, the conversation somehow became about whether I should really be spending that time on volunteering instead of focusing on our relationship.
There were dozens of little conversations like that. None of them sound dramatic when I write them individually, which is exactly why I've been doubting myself so much. But they all left me with exactly the same feeling. I felt like I constantly had to defend my own reality.
Then came the bedbug situation.
I stayed at his apartment and later ended up bringing bedbugs home from his place. He didnt tell me he saw some at his place before. I only learnt after I was complaining of getting bitten. He thought I would panic unnecesarrily so he didnt tell me before. My entire life became washing everything I owned, finding exterminators, worrying about my elderly cat, staying in hotels during treatment, barely sleeping and trying to survive while I was also under enormous stress at work. He did pay for exterminators and hotel stay for me and the cat as he felt responsible. And he did buy me a steam cleaner to clean my apartment from bedbugs after i found out. During all of that he really wanted to move in together, and said things like how we are behind of life and we have to start our lives finally. He hated his apartment and wanted us to finally start our life together with mortgage, kids etc.. I understand why he wanted that, but I kept telling him I genuinely couldn't think about moving, houses or planning a future because I was overwhelmed just trying to get through each day. Maybe in a few months we talk this through but first i wanted to survive. He fought with me over this two times and kept on asking at least 5 times on different days after i said no. He said things like this time he is asking me kindly, another time he said him.moving in will.help me with rent and bedbugs and it is for the best etc... everytime I had to say no and explain my state of sleep deprivation and feeling the ick that his house was actually the main infestation point. I felt I had to keep saying the same thing over and over again.
The same happened with planning a trip abroad. I kept saying I couldn't make decisions because I was overwhelmed. A few days later we'd be having the same conversation again.
Eventually I told him I feel like I spend this relationship defending my own reality.I told him I don't feel respected.
His answer was basically that he does respect me, that he wasn't doing those things, that he was just trying to help and that I'm misunderstanding him and making a big deal of everything. He said he wasnt insisting or asking anything repeatedly, he claimes he nicely asked things maybe 2 times. He even said me not letting him move in even after him asking so much is very hurtful to him and how come i dont consider my own bad behavior because he is speaking very logically.
And this is where I'm completely stuck. I don't think he's a monster. But I also don't think I've ever been so mentally exhausted by a relationship.
The worst part is that I've started questioning myself. I keep wondering whether these are actually tiny issues that every couple has and I've somehow blown them up because of my own childhood or anxiety. Then another part of me thinks that maybe I've been ignoring something important for years. I honestly don't know anymore. I also keep thinking, he is maybe my last chance for getting married and having kids. Also living in a foreign country away from family and not having a great support system doesnt help and he is the closest thing that i have to a family here.
If you read all of this as an outsider, does this sound like someone throwing away a good relationship over small things?