u/bincbonk

First time posting. I guess I just wanted to share my experience for the same reason most are: to find community and to not feel so alone in this feeling.

I grew up with a diagnosed level 3 autistic little brother and (presumably) level 1 or 2 autistic mother. I am a glass child for sure.

Caregiver has been my title since before i even knew the word. I was my brother's protector. We have a 2 year gap between us so we were pretty much always in the same school. Everyone knew who I was because my brother was the one who threw (sometimes violent) tantrums in the cafeteria.

My mother has never been diagnosed. But she has said herself she knows she is. And if you ask anyone around me, they will tell you the same thing.

She has a variety of special interests and activities that I think every one of my friends knows. For example, my mom was always the one driving my friends and I around. But we knew not to ask for this during 4:30pm-5pm because that's when Jeopardy was on. She knew I was born around 5 or 6 o'clock because "Jeopardy had just gone off" when i asked her what time I was born to look at my birth chart. We'd be sitting on a small fortune if she ever went on the show. She always knows all the answers.

She is one of the most book intelligent people I know. She's a huge history buff. She reads for hours and hours on end every day.

Childhood was very interesting with her. Before being a preteen, i don't have any negative memories of her. But once I began to show my own individuality that was separated from being her daughter... things started feeling different. Not bad per say. Just different. She showed less interest in me overall I think.

She didn't neglect us. There was one year after she lost her job as a librarian where she was completely reclusive and withdrawn from us. Besides that, we were physically taken care of. She always told us how much she loved us and would show physical affection.

But entering my teens and eventually adulthood is so different. Our conversations rarely have to do with whats going on in my life. She doesn't ask follow up questions. I got engaged recently and its the most she has ever asked me about something going on in my life because she's always loved weddings (she collected bridal magazines for years).

She is a hoarder. Her house is in disarray. I often visit her and see flies in the kitchen, dirty dishes in the sink, and even fecal matter stains on the floor from my brother who is completely dependent on her. One of her special interests is reading and she has hoarded a massive collection of books that have taken up the house, her 2 storage units, and 1 shed in the backyard. And no matter how much I beg her to clean up. Or offer to help. Or have helped.... it is always the same. When talking to her about it, she just stares at me. Almost like a child getting in trouble. Typically no response to what I say. Same thing when I say how the state of the house has affected me growing up in it. Just completely detached.

She's moving soon and have already begun the task of all the things that it entails with helping her move. Something I've been able to be detached from for the several years since moving out it right in my face. My fiance and I are all she has in terms of help. And its weighing on me so bad.