r/raisedbyautistics

They talk for five minutes straight, infodumping and reminiscing and asking question after question that has no answer so then they start hypothesizing and theorizing and 'what if'-ing and going on and on and on and on, stream of consciousness, completely oblivious to the fact that others aren't having the same joyful experience they are. And then, when they finally stop for half a second and you think it's finally your turn to talk, you can only manage to get out two sentences before they have another thought that they have to share RIGHT NOW, and they interrupt and carry on for another five minutes.

If you say "I was talking, can I finish please?" they'll let you have another two sentences, but the whole time you're talking you can see them stimming and staring over your shoulder, barely able to contain themselves and when you're done they don't even engage with anything you said, they just resume their rant. If you try to jump in at minute three to add a point, they get upset at you for interrupting them. All they want is an audience for their five-paragraph essay—introduction, supporting evidence, conclusion. When you finally give up and make some excuse to be elsewhere they thank you for the wonderful conversation.

Fuck, it makes me feel so fucking small. Other people don't fully exist to them, we're just tools they use to manage their own feelings.

I have vasovagal syncope, and for the first time in 10 years (because I avoided it) I had my blood drawn

I started passing out during it, and the woman giving me the blood draw made me bawl in my car afterwards

Her genuine concern for me. Her strong confident voice. I had this sense of “she has me”.

Usually I have to spell out to people explicitly how I’m feeling, beg them to understand, tell them exactly what I need and how to execute it, and be the “caregiver” even when I shouldn’t have to.

Most of the time my parents straight up ignored my needs and emotions because their’s came first. My dad would laugh in my face when I was upset.

But this woman…

She took care of me when I was almost passing out, trying to prevent me from fainting by doing various things like fanning me, holding my head when it drooped sideways, got me to smell the sanitization wipe to ground me etc

She advocated for me “get her water! Get her water!”

I almost didn’t want to leave…

It’s just so sad. That this woman, who’s only doing her job, has shown me more care than my mother and father ever have.

Better than friends or partners ever have either. I must attract emotionally neglectful people, or people who want a “mommy”.

I didn’t even realize you could feel this way.

That you could have someone actually care for you, notice you, without having to explicitly ask, beg or explain how

It just made me break down crying in my car afterwards

Anyone else grow up with autistic older relatives but not be autistic themselves?

**I feel like there are so many discussions about parents having an autistic child, but I rarely see people talk about the opposite: being a non-autistic child who grows up with older family members who are autistic.**

I have older family members who are autistic, while I am not, and honestly, it has been a really complicated and sometimes heartbreaking experience. They really scared the hell out off me as a kid.

I often felt like I couldn't really go to them for advice or support. I couldn't really ask them things or rely on them to help me when I needed it. People always asumed i did something they found it odd that they would not help me with anything; Sometimes they could be aggressive, and there were also situations where they shared personal information about me with complete strangers or said really inappropriate things about me to people they barely knew. Again i got wierd looks from People or they where laughing behind my back.

At the same time, I know that they are autistic and that some of these things may be related to difficulties they have with social situations, boundaries, communication, or understanding how their behaviour affects other people. I'm not trying to blame them for being autistic.

But I also feel like my experience as the non-autistic family member is rarely talked about. You can understand why someone behaves a certain way and still be hurt by it. Sometimes I feel like I never really got the kind of older family relationship that other people seem to have.

**Has anyone else experienced this?**

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who **aren't autistic** themselves but grew up with autistic parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, or other older relatives. Its a scary experience beceause social workers where baffeld by it and i was taken away durning the week. I could barley express my emotions or i would get hit by them, it resultad in my pushing in my emotions. I have taken distance from them.

Did you also find it difficult to ask them for help, trust them with personal things, or form a close relationship with them?

I am NT but notice that when I am around autistic people with the stereotypical "uncomfortable in social situations" presentation (e.g. avoiding eye contact, pacing and stimming, etc.) it's like... I feel like I have to do it too?

Not even super consciously, it just feels like one of those things like not staring at someone's breasts or missing limb or something. I take on the discomfort myself and sort of shut down. I notice this a lot when I'm in a group setting with one autistic person but other NT people; I become uncomfortable and kind of bring my level of engagement down to match the level of the autistic person. I stop looking everyone in the eye, I'll fidget and pace. These are not things I normally do otherwise.

I do feel like there's this "family mode" I get into. As a kid I feel like I was socialized to act autistic and socially phobic, basically, and if I wasn't like that it was treated as if I was doing something weird and ostentatious. My mom (whom multiple people believe may be autistic) actually said that to me once, "stop being in the spotlight so much" at a family gathering. In retrospect I was just being... a friendly kid? among people who wanted to talk to me for a change.

Anyone relate to this?

Thinking back to my ASD father, ex, and “friends” who I keep at an arms length and don’t actually consider friends, I’m recognizing a pattern of me being exasperated and unable to get them to be self aware in any way. People on here have said how little children understand more than their ASD parent, but it’s beyond that. Yes, NT kids of course understand more, but also, literal animals get it. My dog who literally poops on the floor understands better than my parents. At least she knows to look guilty to show she knows it was bad, but couldn’t hold it any longer . . . Then she learns to make noises to let me know when she needs to go out beyond regular walkies.

My ASD dad would be like “Well I KNEW I needed to poop so why didn’t you know it?!?? Why didn’t you take me out even though I did nothing to indicate I needed to poop? You’re so evil to be irritated that you’re picking up my poop!!!!”

I don't know if anyone else relates to my problem, because I mostly see posts of people saying they've adapted a very direct and straightforward communication style because of their parents. But has anyone else had the opposite experience? Communicating using HEAVY social cues and very indirectly?

I feel like I absolutely flourish in environments where social cues and weird etiquette rules are necessary (like workplaces, academic environments or formal cross-cultural exchanges) but absolutely suck at communicating directly with people and just try to subtly push them to do something instead. I hate saying what I want directly because it feels so crude and like I'm being forced to do so, but people who miss social cues end up annoying me because of it. 😭

Which... Never works with my parents, for obvious reasons. Lol. So I'm curious to hear what your experiences are with this.

"I have so much work to do! Why can't I have my moment of peace!" You are both older than 5 decades old and still throw fits like little kindergarten children, I promise I don't care 😭✌️ Get your shit together. You genuinely can't ask them for the most minimal things EVER. They are absurdly unreliable.

Which is already bad enough on its own without their comical ability to never self reflect. "Why don't you ever help me?!" or "Why are you yelling at me? You're the only one here who does it!" after they spent 5 minutes yelling at me with their enormous capacity to regulate their own volume and emotions 💞

Anyways, grow up. xx

(Read this one with a valley girl accent too so it sounds extra condescending 😋 Also this is about my parents only NOT ALL AUTISTIC PEOPLE okay? Okay! To THOSE people)

My parents are both autistic but pretty good at getting their life straight. So my childhood wasn't chaotic the way many people describe it here. Of course communication patterns were disastrous, we were socially more or less isolated and my father has certainly never asked me a single question about myself. But I never felt (or feel) unloved.

All these people here talking about their parents' autistic meltdowns have made me think. I used to think my parents didn't have those. But what my mum had on a regular basis were what she called "bloodsugar crashs". Like, when she didnt eat regularly enough she would experience some sort of crisis and cry and blame all of us (my dad in particular) for not getting her the food she needed at the right time. I was pretty frightened of those situations because she really lost control. And we basically had to drag her somewhere where she could eat while she was freaking out like that.

I have no idea if this fits an autistic meltdown. I only know that I do blame her for putting us through this as kids so many times. Because even if it was something physical that she couldn't help- couldn't she just have packed some more food when we were travelling, for instance? It mainly happened when were on the road and didnt eat regularly for that reason. Couldn't we have stopped at a supermarket when she felt it was getting late? I mean, she was super inflexible - we had to arrive first and then find a restaurant she liked and THEN we could eat and it had to be before a certain hour of the day. And in 9 cases out of 10 things just didnt go according to plan (who would have thought).

Any thoughts?

As a teenager I used to pick fights with my mom by doing everything against her rules, I loved to brag to her about stealing, drinking, using drugs, cutting myself, wanting to kill myself etc, I was always rubbing that in her face bc I knew she would get worried out of her mind.

Posted this because I kinda realized just now where that came from (she wasn't particularly abusive or controlling) I'm pretty sure that's the only time she expressed affection towards me and that's why I loved to argue with her so much, I could've done it all day, genuinely all my childhood I was following my mom around from room to room screaming at her to keep arguing w me😭 (sorry mom)

Anyway, I remember when I riled her up to the point of tears, her saying stuff like "I'm only angry because I'm so worried", "no matter what you do my job is to be your mom and to act in your best interest", "I would come get you wherever, I only ever want you to be safe", "you are the most important I'm thing in my life", "I will always be your mom, no matter what you do" etc, and as a little child she hugged me after huge tantrums

From an autistic mom who absolutely never expressed her love, never complimented, touched, asked me questions, praised etc those kinda dramatic confessions of absolute unwavering love were like a drug, I would argue with my mom any day if it wasn't so unfair to her, it's the only time I have ever felt truly connected to her, now that I'm an adult and can't really go around abusing my mom, I've never felt more disconnected to her, we only small talk and it's pretty awkward every time, although bc of the autism, she probably doesn't think so.

*Also sidenote bc I feel it's probably important, I have no dad my mom's asexual and had me and my twin through IFV

I feel like it's common, and also stereotypical, for autistic individuals to be hyper sensitive to sound. But for my father and sibling, it was the opposite.

They would listen to tv at ungodly volumes. Even if you were upstairs in your room, you'd hear it like it was being played by yourself.

They also hate wearing headphones, and get extremely pissy about it, and 99% of the time refuse. They genuinely act like being considerate of others (headphones) is oppression. They want to live like they're the only one in the house, and they treat accommodating others like it's painful. Oh and they also believe that being on the tv 24/7 is basically a human right.

"I have the right I exist in this house too!" = I deserve to do whatever I want with zero consequences.

"Well you don't have to leave the room, it's your fault if you want to leave." You are playing it at ear bleeding volume, of course want to leave!

I also get migraines, and they act like me being in pain is the highest form of manipulation. But it's not like they can even be "manipulated" to do anything kind. Their empathy for experiences that don’t align with theirs are basically 0.

Loud ass violent meltdowns, loud ass tv.

Loud ass violent meltdowns with the loud ass tv to self soothe at 3:00 am. Because, fuck my sleep! I love that I have insomnia and ptsd responses to loud noises!

I’m actually struggling a lot with this right now. I haven’t slept and it’s now 5:37 I’m in my late 20s and was raised by a single autistic mom.

It’s been so hard my entire life believing that I should be the one having sympathy for her in this situation because she’s a single autistic mom but I’m starting to really understand that I don’t have to put my feelings in a box to make sure she’s comfortable.

I have no dad, and an autistic mom.
I’m so so so tired of walking on eggshells because I don’t want her to feel alone.

She’s said some really off the cuff things about how she thinks her mom views us, and I don’t agree with what she said, and wish she never said it around me but she has no filter.

She doesn’t think before she talks and she treats me like a friend instead of her only daughter and it’s actually really hurt me.

This is the tip of the iceberg with my grievances,
She maybe visited me 3 times in college over the course of 4 years, then when she sold the house my senior year of college I was basically told when to have my stuff out by. Not a single question where I would move to or an offer to move in with her.

I got over all of the college and college aftermath stuff in time but I am really so upset with her right now that everything is upsetting me.

Like I had a birthday recently and there were princess cupcakes and cheesecake and she said she wanted a character ring but there were only three and I told her “there are 4 kids here and she’s their favorite” at my birthday and she said “well that’s tough shit I bought the cupcakes” so I just said “well then” and walked out of the room.

Later she made a big deal in front of me showing her she gave a ring to my cousin. Fantastic, but it was like a double down, on my fucking birthday guys.

I really want to maintain a relationship with her but I’m in a lot of emotional pain and she doesn’t put in any work on her mental health, she just plays video games in her free time.

I can’t afford therapy, I can’t find any proper support groups in my area they’re all for fucking parents with autistic kids, WHAT ABOUT US.