r/raisedbyautistics

First time posting. I guess I just wanted to share my experience for the same reason most are: to find community and to not feel so alone in this feeling.

I grew up with a diagnosed level 3 autistic little brother and (presumably) level 1 or 2 autistic mother. I am a glass child for sure.

Caregiver has been my title since before i even knew the word. I was my brother's protector. We have a 2 year gap between us so we were pretty much always in the same school. Everyone knew who I was because my brother was the one who threw (sometimes violent) tantrums in the cafeteria.

My mother has never been diagnosed. But she has said herself she knows she is. And if you ask anyone around me, they will tell you the same thing.

She has a variety of special interests and activities that I think every one of my friends knows. For example, my mom was always the one driving my friends and I around. But we knew not to ask for this during 4:30pm-5pm because that's when Jeopardy was on. She knew I was born around 5 or 6 o'clock because "Jeopardy had just gone off" when i asked her what time I was born to look at my birth chart. We'd be sitting on a small fortune if she ever went on the show. She always knows all the answers.

She is one of the most book intelligent people I know. She's a huge history buff. She reads for hours and hours on end every day.

Childhood was very interesting with her. Before being a preteen, i don't have any negative memories of her. But once I began to show my own individuality that was separated from being her daughter... things started feeling different. Not bad per say. Just different. She showed less interest in me overall I think.

She didn't neglect us. There was one year after she lost her job as a librarian where she was completely reclusive and withdrawn from us. Besides that, we were physically taken care of. She always told us how much she loved us and would show physical affection.

But entering my teens and eventually adulthood is so different. Our conversations rarely have to do with whats going on in my life. She doesn't ask follow up questions. I got engaged recently and its the most she has ever asked me about something going on in my life because she's always loved weddings (she collected bridal magazines for years).

She is a hoarder. Her house is in disarray. I often visit her and see flies in the kitchen, dirty dishes in the sink, and even fecal matter stains on the floor from my brother who is completely dependent on her. One of her special interests is reading and she has hoarded a massive collection of books that have taken up the house, her 2 storage units, and 1 shed in the backyard. And no matter how much I beg her to clean up. Or offer to help. Or have helped.... it is always the same. When talking to her about it, she just stares at me. Almost like a child getting in trouble. Typically no response to what I say. Same thing when I say how the state of the house has affected me growing up in it. Just completely detached.

She's moving soon and have already begun the task of all the things that it entails with helping her move. Something I've been able to be detached from for the several years since moving out it right in my face. My fiance and I are all she has in terms of help. And its weighing on me so bad.

My mother who is am 100% sure is a Lvl 2 autistic person, has an immense struggle with a practical part of life. Anything involving cleaning, washing, putting away cutlery and plates, or organizing a dinner and cooking for multiple people is done in a very impractical, disorganized, messy and poor manner to the point I have to redo it completely myself. It’s almost like she does it purposefully poorly but I know it’s not intentional. She just can’t do it to normal standards. I honestly can’t count on her help for much of anything.
She can be intelligent when it comes to her special interests, she seems like someone very low IQ when it comes to doing something mundane like taking out garbage or washing dishes.
Is this a part of autism? Has anyone experienced this with your autistic parents?

My mom and dad got divorced 2019 bc what my dad did in his past and now my dad wants to take me to appointments and I don’t trust him bc what he did to me at ten he touch me when I was ten and went down with social services

Considering Autism is not a choice and there may literally be a severe lack of understanding and intelligence when it comes to the ways they’ve impacted their children? Is there guilt going no contact know they’re being taken advantage of and are being left vulnerable?

Question I have as I consider no contact.

I'm in my mid 20's and I've never had a relationship. There are a lot of reasons for this. One major reason is that I am extremely averse to touch and sex in general. I explained it to myself as being chronically fatigued and asexual (I might be on the hypo sexual side of things for medical reasons regardless), but I DO occasionally want to be around people in that way so that explanation doesn't quite feel right.

I hate being touched so much that even a friend hugging me or just poking me, or even someone brushing my shoulder, just sends my system into overdrive. I feel the touch lingering there and get extremely angry, hurt, betrayed to the point of tears at times. I do have sensory issues, but this feels like much more than that - even causal, incidental touch feels acutely personal and linger on my skin. I get the mental image of something mindlessly pawing at me. Sometimes, even though I know it's irrational, I'll even scrub at my skin to try to brush the feeling away.

Whenever my parents hugged me, touched me, or kissed me in any way, it was all about what they wanted, regardless of what they intended. My dad would lie next to me at night - ostensibly to tell bedtime stories and tuck me in, and it was just that (though I don't remember 100%), but I repeatedly remember bouts where it was extremely uncomfortable and I wanted him to get away but was afraid to try and tell him that. Even as I got older, he'd get legitimately angry and threatening if I didn't hug him when he wanted - he'd grab me and hold me and I viscerally hated every second. My mom wasn't quite as bad about this, but she did it too - she was more likely to listen if I said no, but was also prone to making fun of me or shaming me for it. Neither parent seemed entirely in tune with the significance of these events to me - of course, now I know why.

So even if I'm around friends, and one of them brushes by my arm, I have to remind myself continually what I don't know instinctively: that they are aware of my personal space and being mindful, that they are seeing me as a person. Because the people who handled me all my younger years sure didn't. They did some real damage to my personality - I can't trust anybody and I don't think I'll ever have a romantic relationship.

My mom is autistic, averse to touch, rigid, and really struggles with perspective taking. My dad is self-absorbed, abusive, and sadistic; proudly identified as a bully. I grew up with virtually no healthy intimacy. My mom would ignore or cringe away from 'negative' emotions and my dad would attack them. They would never hug or hold hands, rarely kissed. They never talked about relationships, never apologised, never explained their thoughts or feelings. When it came to me and my siblings they couldn't or wouldn't comfort us in any meaningful way, nor expressed any curiosity in us, but lavished us with routines and toys.

Unsurprisingly there was a lot of dysfunction, screaming, crying. My sister was autistic/OCD and my brother would throw violent tantrums. Most of my developmental years was spent feeling helpless and invisible while wanting to hurt or get away from the people closest to me. There wasn't a single person I was remotely close with, and I felt totally emotionally burnt out by the time I was 5. I've been in therapy for 10+ years as an adult, and it's helped hugely, but I feel like my ability to form emotional attachments was permanently obliterated. I just don't know if it's something that can be changed. I feel like a psychopath.

I mean, I now see it in my late father's interactions with me. He was an extreme person, so if he disagreed with something or someone, nobody could talk sense into him because he blocked out any information that might remotely violate his psychological need for absolute certainty about his opinions and feelings.

When I was younger, I didn't know that his rigidity would blind him to nuances of situations and this fanatical tendency forced him to violently reject any reality that did not exactly match his. So I ended up always being condemned for saying or not saying something, to the point that I learned to not have an opinion, not to assert my views or feelings or needs, but even that would still upset him. Basically I couldn't exist, because no matter how I tried to adjust to him, I would still be wrong, and I tried to read his mind but failed because he was so erratic it's like trying to grasp wind. When I tried to ask him for his rationale, to understand him, I would be baffled by his contradictory explanation and double standard, but then I couldn't call him out, so I ended up being so confused and helplessly stuck in the relationship.

One of the things I try to heal nowadays is my rumination. I would churn a conversation over and over in my head, trying to assert my side of the story with a fanatic who uses all his might to oppress me in order to gain a false sense of security, and I keep hesitating about how to explain myself (and usually end up being meek and accommodating) because I have honestly no idea how to talk sense to someone who doesn't have any, and yet I am not happy in being condemned and oppressed, so I keep ruminating in my head trying to figure out how to claim my fairness.

But the thing is I keep attracting these kinds of people who keep misunderstanding and oppressing me, who immediately feel threatened and lash out defensively while I try to drill sense into them. They are not satisfied with a middle ground. They have no tolerance for nuances and grey zones. They only see the situation as black and white. They don't want to tolerate others' situations and needs, but they want others to tolerate theirs, in fact, to hold theirs as the absolute truth or else they would violently condemn others.

Only now do I really see that there is no room for me in that kind of relationship. In the past, I was too used to accommodating and surrendering my needs, relegating myself to being lesser, all in the hope of keeping the peace in the relationship. Now I see that not only do I not need to bother, but actually don't need to ruminate to try to reclaim fairness, because what's the value of trying to gain understanding from someone you don't want to bother with?

My Mum is not officially diagnosed as Autistic, but it is highly likely she is. I'm looking for some advice on how to cope with my mum and, more importantly, how to establish healthier boundaries with her.

My mum has always been challenging in my life and relationships. She's also genuinely very kind, caring, giving and motherly, which makes this complicated. But she can also be incredibly self-absorbed, emotionally dysregulated and exhausting to be around. Lately, it feels like things have got significantly worse and I'm reaching the point where I've had enough.

A major issue is that our conversations and visits seem to revolve almost entirely around her problems with other people. She will go on long, negative rants about how people have treated her, often bringing up things that happened years ago and that she clearly still hasn't let go of. There always seems to be another person who has wronged her, another situation she is angry about, or another reason she feels people don't understand or respect her.

She also frequently talks to me about my dad and expects me to engage with it. I'll often find myself trying to explain how he might be feeling or why her behaviour towards him might have contributed to whatever conflict they're having. I've realised I'm essentially being put in the position of mediator and emotional sounding board for their relationship, which I don't think is healthy.

She also has very strong spiritual beliefs and talks about them constantly. She's entitled to her beliefs, obviously, but she seems unable to have an open discussion where somebody disagrees with her without feeling attacked. She has previously had an argument with my boyfriend about spirituality because he questioned some of her beliefs, and she apparently felt very attacked by this. I've noticed that she seems to feel attacked by disagreement quite frequently and tends to blame other people for her emotional reactions rather than considering whether her own behaviour was inappropriate.

Recently, she also told me that one of her spiritual "healers" had blocked her. She assumed it was because she had gone to see her while she had a cold. I obviously have no idea why the woman blocked her, but knowing my mum, I wondered whether it could have been more to do with how stressed, angry and emotionally intense she can become with people. Again, I found myself trying to make sense of someone else's reaction to her.

The most recent incident involved my boyfriend. I organised a nice day for my mum, a friend of mine and me, and my boyfriend has generally been nothing but friendly towards my mum on the occasions they've seen each other. Despite this, my mum suddenly launched into a rant about him in front of my friend.

I was extremely angry and shut it down quite aggressively because I was so frustrated that she'd chosen this particular occasion to do it. My boyfriend is understandably now uncomfortable about spending time with her, although he's still willing to put up with occasional visits because he knows she's my mum.

Afterwards, my mum said something along the lines of, "I wasn't myself that day, I was full of hay fever and stressed because I've been stuck in the house, but I hope Prudence still had a good day."

And honestly, I wanted to scream.

It was my day too. I'd organised something nice and then had to deal with her behaviour. What I wanted to hear was something like, "I'm sorry I ruined your day and made things uncomfortable for you." Instead, it felt like she was explaining why she'd behaved that way and then worrying about whether my friend had enjoyed herself.

This is a recurring problem. She'll become upset or angry, rant about someone, behave inappropriately, and then when challenged she'll explain why she reacted that way. I then end up reassuring her, explaining other people's perspectives, helping her understand why someone might have reacted negatively to her, or otherwise trying to regulate the situation.

I'm exhausted by it.

Sometimes I literally have to tell her to stop shouting or to stop talking about something altogether. I feel like I'm constantly managing her emotions.

I think I've also realised that I have become the person who has to make sense of everyone else's behaviour for her. If someone is upset with her, I try to explain why. If someone disagrees with her, I try to explain their perspective. If she has fallen out with someone, I help her work out what happened. If she's upset, I reassure her.

But I'm increasingly thinking: why is this my responsibility?

I don't want to spend every visit listening to a catalogue of grievances. I want to actually enjoy spending time with my mum. I don't want every conversation to become an analysis of my dad, my boyfriend, her friends, her spiritual beliefs, or somebody who has apparently wronged her.

I'm also conscious that she genuinely does have a loving side. She can be incredibly caring and supportive, and I don't want to portray her as some cartoonishly awful mother. That's part of why this is so difficult. I love her, but I'm finding the way she relates to me increasingly exhausting.

I'm starting to think I need to stop trying to get her to understand why her behaviour is inappropriate and instead focus on setting boundaries.

For example, rather than trying to explain why she shouldn't rant about my boyfriend, simply saying, "I'm not discussing him like this. If you have a problem with him, you can talk to me calmly, but I'm not going to sit here while you rant about him."

Or with my dad: "I'm not getting involved in what's happening between you and Dad."

And when she starts another long rant about somebody: "I'm sorry you're upset, but I don't want to discuss this."

The difficulty is that I feel guilty doing this. I think I'm so accustomed to trying to understand and soothe her that it feels horrible to simply let her be upset without fixing it.

Has anyone else dealt with a parent like this?

How do you stop becoming their emotional dumping ground/mediator without feeling like you're being a horrible or unsupportive daughter?

And how do you maintain a relationship with someone you love when spending time with them has become emotionally exhausting?

My sister and her husband are both incredibly smart people, and they're trying to raise their daughter Amanda to also be really smart, but really they've set their child up to be 'the weird kid'.

They never baby talked for her entire life. No mama or dada, no lovey's, doggy's, not even a 'yummy' it was always the full words and they had her use full words when talking about anything too. So now they have a 5 year old running around talking like a tiny professor. Which is cute if you're an adult watching them correctly use 'excessive' in a sentence, but makes her stick out among a bunch of other kids who have no idea what it means. It also took her way longer to start speaking at all than our younger cousins or their children.

The kid is 5 years old, and has never seen any kind of TV that isn't Steve Irwin reruns or used a touch screen for anything. Which isn't necessarily bad, but it does mean that she doesn't know any Disney movie's, she's never seen any bluey, played any games, or anything else that the rest of the class is into and therefore can't join in when they're talking about that kind of thing. It's making her stick out even more. At pick up yesterday just about everyone was singing songs from Trolls and she was just standing off to the side watching.

Some of their test taking is also done on tablets, and she has no idea what to do when she's handed one, and the teacher doesn't seem to know what to do with a kid that needs instructions on how to navigate them.

This is her first year in a group environment, previously she's always been watched either by family or by a baby sitter, so no day care or pre school of any kind. As a result, this kid is absolutely miserable at school, where not only does she have to fight to get the only adult to pay attention to her, but all the other kids want little to nothing to do with her.

She sticks out, has pretty much no friends and she really hates it. I watch her for a couple of hours after school let's out until their parents get off work and it's so awful asking how the day went and hearing them describe being left out or made fun of. Now the first kids are having birthday parties and my niece isn't invited to either of the ones happening over the weekend, even though basically the entire class is going.

I really hate seeing her so miserable. I feel like if she'd been in group care previously, or even seen some of the most popular shows or movies a little she would have such an easier time with making friends.

But I can't say any of this out loud to my sister, or even my parents who like how 'traditional' her up bringing is and constantly go on long winded rants about how technology is killing society and we're all becoming Wall-E.

There's nothing I can really do but watch her be miserable coming home and it fucking sucks. I can comfort her all I want, but the next day it's all the same.

Hey everyone,
I’m so grateful to have found this group, it’s so validating ❤️
My mother who is most definitely ASD (and probably even Level 2 ASD) lives alone, and in almost a complete social isolation for like the last 10-12 years. She doesn’t do any socializing at all, and can go for months without face to face contact. She doesn’t have any family left (I am from a very small family), and has two childhood friends who she talks to every once in a while on the phone, with maybe meets them once or twice a year in person. Myself (an only child), my husband and our two children are literally her only family, and we live in a different country from her.
Other than that she sits at home alone, and does beading for 7-8 hours straight, and doesn’t really do anything else.
To me, it’s an incredibly isolating existence but perhaps it’s a normal life for autistic people? I don’t know.
Does anyone else have parents who are socially isolated as well?

My dad was a great dad while growing up. Warmer than my mum and I never felt like I had to earn his love. We collectively were never a touchy, lovey type of family but my dad would do actions that showed he loved me, like always bringing me a chocolate bar every friday, when he picked me up when classes were out. I always knew where I stood with him because ”the rules” were very explicit and said in an overt, verbal manner. He said what he meant and meant what he said. I knew exactly where the line was and this, I think, was especially important during turbulent teenage years. He also always acted accordingly. If he didn’t like someone, he wouldn’t see them. If something was X then something was X, not Y at home and then X in public. Anyway, now I know I’m autistic and he is too.
Now I’m an adult and I can see some of his less great characteristics. When I try to give input into something that he is doing that could be done some other manner, he takes it very hard, gets defensive and leaves the situation, something I’ve read is common in autistics. He is 70 now. I was just wondering how other autistic ”children” relate to their aging autistic parents and if you have some tips on smoothing out the relationship. Maybe I just have not to say anything .

I’m pretty open about things I go through, and I get so sick of feeling like I can’t talk about this, the damage done by my mom and some exes. Everyone rushes in to say that not all autists are like that or my mom is just a product of her generation or my exes were just being men.

I seriously think most people think of autism only in terms of kids who need special treatment. Not that it can be harmful in grown-ass adults. They act like autistic people can’t help what they do, which is so condescending.

Mostly I just want to talk about my life. About these individuals. Not claiming to be an ASD expert. But can’t I say something was annoying or hurtful? I have traits that make me really difficult at times. I know that and I don’t mind having that acknowledged. Especially because we can’t improve treatments if we don’t accept there are problems.

I made a fb post about this the other day. I worded it so carefully and emphasized that I want is to talk about my own experiences without being “corrected.” I knew it would bother some people but am sick of hiding it. I was surprised by the person, a longtime irl friend, who left the worst comment. It was very #notallautistics and she said she was going to send me materials “to help me heal.” All I wanted was to talk about it without hearing that again.

I don’t regret it because I’m sure it helped people who have had the same experiences but didn’t feel they could talk about it. And, as my former friend showed, you still can’t.

I can relate to so many of the experiences people have talked about here. I feel incredibly seen reading through these posts because I don’t know anyone else that was raised by an autistic parent and really gets how that can impact you.

But one big thing I’ve realized while reading through this sub is that I will never have the relationship with my dad that I wish I did. I got along with him well as a kid, and I keep wishing that I could have that kind of closer relationship with him again, but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that that isn’t possible.

The thing is though, he wasn’t actually a very active parent. My mom did almost all of the parenting, so my dad just got to be the fun parent. My parents separated the day after I graduated from high school (which is a whole separate story lol) and in the years since then I’ve realized how much of a buffer my mom was between my dad and my siblings and I. And I’ve gotten older and my interests and worldviews have changed I’ve realized two big things, how much he has to be right and have control over things, and that he has an idea in his head of who I am that’s not actually who I am anymore, and maybe never was to begin with. Add to that he is very religious, so between that his very rigid, black and white, views of the world, I feel like I have to water down who I am when I’m around him and I hate it.

I love him, but he has also hurt me and my siblings in a lot of ways. And he is incapable seeing anyone else’s viewpoint or taking accountability for how his actions might have hurt someone. Reading so many of other people’s stories that are so similar to what I’ve dealt with has really made me come to terms with the fact that his brain just functions the way it does. He’s not going to change, and while it’s not his fault, it’s not something he’s capable of doing.

Idk who needs to hear this today but no, that one thing you did as a child that was kind of weird is not a sign you have autism, neurotypical people have weird quirks too and especially kids. Even if you still do it now. You're fine 😭 🫶

No, not even if it's a symptom of autism, you can have those just from mimicking your parents. No, crying because you don't understand how to cope with something they never taught you how to do or cope with doesn't mean you're having a meltdown either. They were supposed to teach you that years ago.

Also, if you freak out trying new things or breaking routine, that's probably just because your parents kept freaking out on you if they did either of those, so you gained the fear from watching them. Ask me how I know 😐

Edit: Please read this before commenting

This is a “best of Reddit” moment for me—finding others who can understand what has been a very private experience. My dad was autistic and it’s been a major factor in my life (both good and bad). I have never met anyone else in the same boat (except my sister, but she’s autistic too so she has a completely different experience). I’m very glad to be here!

I didn’t really realize what a profound influence it had on me until I was talking with a therapist about my challenges with relationships and said “maybe it has something to do with my dad being autistic.” She looked me dead in the eye and said “YA THINK?”

And if they did, it was a way to scold, interrogate, intimidate me. There was no question that came out of them, to know about me or to check in with me. They usually just talked to me, on whatever subject they wanted to talk about.

Hence, I used to get nervous when anyone asked me any questions, especially in places where there was hierarchy (school, university, work place, etc). I sometimes still get anxious when my husband asks me any questions.

Now my children have grown to be very chatty and they ask me so many questions. All random sorts. I am re-learning how questions can be ways to explore other people’s feelings, to relate, to make jokes, etc. it feels wonderful to be asked so many random questions, especially about me.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Hey all,
My mother is most definitely undiagnosed autistic and believe at a moderate level of the spectrum. Besides other multiple challenges, she has this really disturbing trait of flat affect, when she looks completely blank with zero facial expression and is silent, in response to something important that I share with her.
It’s absolutely infuriating and disturbing, as naturally anyone would expect some kind of reaction or even a nod, but she stares with flat blank look and says nothing.
I literally had a mental health breakdown because of this . I confronted her and asked if she even hears me. She says she does but doesn’t know what to say.
It’s absolutely infuriating.
Has anyone dealt with this issue?

We were all out shopping with my sister in law and my mom admitted that she believes that when kids do things that look "off" to others or that might make others judge them or "give them looks," it's a parent's responsibility to "break" that kid until they stop doing whatever it is. This includes interests, behaviors, appearances, clothing, play, etc. This is how she parented me for my entire childhood but she wasn't successful. The fact that she admitted she believes it's appropriate to "break" a child is appalling. And what started this conversation? My SIL picked up a pink backpack with strawberries on it and jokingly asked if she should buy it for her godson for school. I said "Sure, if he likes that kind of thing." That's when my mom chimed in and said, "HELL NO! If he likes it, that's too damn bad! You break that out of him!" To her, a pink backpack with strawberries would be an appropriate reason to BREAK a child!

It explains everything about how she treated me as a child, but again, she wasn't successful with me. I've always been unapologetically my weirdo self. I know she hates that, especially since she ended her sentence about "breaking" a kid with "Or else they end up like YOU."

I finally sat her down and talked to her about how hard this was for me, that she never actually listens to the words I say; that it’s like I’m a non-entity, a ghost, a humanoid projection of her mind; that my mental health is failing badly, so incredibly badly, and could she please try to focus and listen to what is coming out of my mouth, rather than hear a bunch of other words that she makes up to make me the bad guy. I said this calmly at first, and she laughed and giggled. I gently guided the mood to more of an “I’m serious, this is serious, your daughter that you claim to love is having a terrible life, can you please help her” kind of thing. And yes, I can cry on cue, probably because I always feel like crying.

She listened. She was paying attention. Then she started to cry. When she cries she usually starts saying she wants to die. Sometimes she’ll hit herself with her fists, or slap her own face, and I have to physically restrain her because I don’t know if she’s really going to do damage to herself. I was braced for the worst, but then… no. She treats me to a weepy hourlong trauma dump of her life, things I’ve heard verbatim tens of thousands times before, comparing herself to her evil sister (to be fair, her sister sucks), how difficult these last six months have been for her (funnily enough they were only difficult because she didn’t listen to me, kinda crazy right?), how she wishes she could have had an autism diagnosis seventy years ago because her life was So. Damn. Bad. An avalanche of bad. Nothing in her life was good. Ever. She is the pinnacle of suffering and woe. And of course nothing was said at all about how, theoretically, a child who was raised by a pinnacle of suffering and woe might grow up to be a wee little molehill of woe herself, and maybe possibly might need a little bit of help too.

But no… I comfort her. Again. As per usual. I know it’s hard for her. I know she’s trying. Or trying to try. Or trying to try to try. But it’s like Groundhog Day. We keep rehashing the exact same conversations, and I, like the moron I am, keep thinking this time it’ll stick. This time I’ll find the right combination of words to convince her to make the effort.

She loves me. I know she loves me. Or rather, I know that she loves “me”, the hologram/ghost/non-entity. And I know that’s the best I will ever get.

I want to scream into the void. May I scream here?

I know it’s true, they don’t really think, they just “do”. They don’t have the capacity or bandwidth to be good people. To do that, they’d have to constantly spend their energy to go against their own instincts.

It hurts so badly what they’ve taken from me, but the fact they took away my family is the worst. No amount of explaining or teaching has ever amounting to anything. The closest I get is with my mom, where she “understands, but doesn’t accept it.” She tells me “it makes logical sense, but I still reject it.”

My own subling, is violent and an awful person, my aunt stopped talking to me when I told them about my abuse- fuck being stuck in a crazy autistic family. If only I wasn’t physically disabled so I could better leave this situation.

I’m coming to accept the reality, but I have yet to grieve it, which is honestly the hardest part. The pain is so much, it makes me want to die. And I can‘t even properly grieve when I’m not out of the situation. And even then- I don’t know. I’m just constantly trying not to think about it, because if I remember and sit with it for a second it’s difficult to get out of it.

If only I was raised by robots, like I’m deadass. My parents and family have all the flaws of humans, but none of the warmth. If I’m not going to get actual human connection, I’d prefer a robot. At least they won’t blow up at me or have violent meltdowns. A well coded robot would be nice, at least I’d know from a young age to find a support system, rather then double down on my disaster family.