u/toastwiththemosttt

I have vasovagal syncope, and for the first time in 10 years (because I avoided it) I had my blood drawn

I started passing out during it, and the woman giving me the blood draw made me bawl in my car afterwards

Her genuine concern for me. Her strong confident voice. I had this sense of “she has me” which I’ve never felt before.

Usually I have to spell out to people explicitly how I’m feeling, beg them to understand, tell them exactly what I need and how to execute it, and be the “caregiver” even when I shouldn’t have to.

Most of the time my parents straight up ignored my needs and emotions because theirs came first. My dad would laugh in my face when I was upset.

But this woman…

She took care of me when I was almost passing out, trying to prevent me from fainting by doing various things like fanning me, holding my head when it drooped sideways, got me to smell the sanitization wipe to ground me etc

She advocated for me “get her water! Get her water!”

I almost didn’t want to leave…

It’s just so sad. That this woman, who’s only doing her job, has shown me more care than my mother and father ever have.

Better than friends or partners ever have either. I must attract emotionally neglectful people, or people who want a “mommy”. No one ever attuned to me

I didn’t even realize you could feel this way.

That you could have someone actually care for you, notice you, without having to explicitly ask, beg, explain what you need or convince anyone.

It just made me break down crying in my car afterwards

I have vasovagal syncope, and for the first time in 10 years (because I avoided it) I had my blood drawn

I started passing out during it, and the woman giving me the blood draw made me bawl in my car afterwards

Her genuine concern for me. Her strong confident voice. I had this sense of “she has me” which I’ve never felt before.

Usually I have to spell out to people explicitly how I’m feeling, beg them to understand, tell them exactly what I need and how to execute it, and be the “caregiver” even when I shouldn’t have to.

Most of the time my parents straight up ignored my needs and emotions because their’s came first. My dad would laugh in my face when I was upset.

But this woman…

She took care of me when I was almost passing out, trying to prevent me from fainting by doing various things like fanning me, holding my head when it drooped sideways, got me to smell the sanitization wipe to ground me etc

She advocated for me “get her water! Get her water!”

I almost didn’t want to leave…

It’s just so sad. That this woman, who’s only doing her job, has shown me more care than my mother and father ever have.

Better than friends or partners ever have either. I must attract emotionally neglectful people, or people who want a “mommy”.

I didn’t even realize you could feel this way.

That you could have someone actually care for you, notice you, without having to explicitly ask, beg or explain how

It just made me break down crying in my car afterwards

I have vasovagal syncope, and for the first time in 10 years (because I avoided it) I had my blood drawn

I started passing out during it, and the woman giving me the blood draw made me bawl in my car afterwards

Her genuine concern for me. Her strong confident voice. I had this sense of “she has me”.

Usually I have to spell out to people explicitly how I’m feeling, beg them to understand, tell them exactly what I need and how to execute it, and be the “caregiver” even when I shouldn’t have to.

Most of the time my parents straight up ignored my needs and emotions because their’s came first. My dad would laugh in my face when I was upset.

But this woman…

She took care of me when I was almost passing out, trying to prevent me from fainting by doing various things like fanning me, holding my head when it drooped sideways, got me to smell the sanitization wipe to ground me etc

She advocated for me “get her water! Get her water!”

I almost didn’t want to leave…

It’s just so sad. That this woman, who’s only doing her job, has shown me more care than my mother and father ever have.

Better than friends or partners ever have either. I must attract emotionally neglectful people, or people who want a “mommy”.

I didn’t even realize you could feel this way.

That you could have someone actually care for you, notice you, without having to explicitly ask, beg or explain how

It just made me break down crying in my car afterwards

Is anyone else resentful about who you could have been if the kids you went to school with were nice? Included you? Celebrated you? Treated you like the others?

When your brain is developing in those formative years, the way people react to you and your social status at those horrible schools will literally determine how you feel about yourself for the rest of your life (unless you go to therapy and fix it at your own expense, but even then it’s still a constant daily battle)

Even as I went to university I had already experienced myself in elementary and high school as a low status person, who people found weird and annoying

And now as an adult I still walk around with the assumption that no one likes me even when that may not be true.

I’m sure this historical feeling of rejection has sabotaged me in jobs, in adult friendships, in my general wellness as a person. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy

Imagine if they were actually nice to you? Built you up while your brain was developing? We’d be completely different people.

Does anyone get disproportionately (actually I don’t think so, I don’t think we’re angry enough) salty at things that used to be regular things before veganism?

Like I saw this post on r/costcocanada about how all these people are so happy that the hotdogs are only $1.50 still and they’re all celebrating

All of them are so disconnected from the reality of what happened to the animal that celebrating that honestly seems borderline demonic. These animals are more intelligent than dogs, they’re celebrating mass suffering

Not to mention hotdogs are a group 1 carcinogen, you’re eating the extras of the animal, it’s just gruesome. Not even healthy for humans whatsoever so there’s even less of an excuse.

Makes me sick. They treat hotdogs as “hahaha funny glizzy” it’s gross to watch when you see the reality of it.

Stop bringing them into existence and use the crops to feed humans healthy meals instead but noooo

They all clap for the g*s chambers.

I am politically a centrist. I’m Canadian, and I love Jordan Peterson because he’s a Canadian psychologist.

I love his lectures, his books, and almost the entire office of women unfollowed me off social media simply for reading his book in public.

We get to read novels when we’re off the calls, I do because phones aren’t allowed

It started with “what are you reading”
Me: “12 rules for life by JP”
Them: “isn’t that the guy who spreads misinformation about trans people”

Then it snowballed.

They said: “you love Jordan Peterson therefore you love the daily wire, therefore you love Donald Trump.”

They called me all the “phobic” titles simply for reading his novel

Even the supervisor unfollowed me. They’re supposed to stop political conversations and conflict but I guess she hated JP that much that she violated the workplace rules.

Then I would get comments from new employees who know nothing about me and they’d say “I’m not a fan of the republicans” and I’d be like… ok? At first I didn’t know why they said that to me then I realized I had become a workplace pariah. I’m literally Canadian so there is no “republican” here anyway it’s called conservative and I don’t think it’s even the same thing.

This is why I’m terrified of leftist women/men
But I’m also scared of conservative/republican men and women because they have extremely strict social rules that I can’t adhere to either

I’m Canadian and I’ve always loved Jordan Peterson. I have daddy issues and his presence felt like a father figure I could look up to.

People don’t understand. They weren’t there before the daily wire. They aren’t critiquing his actual work- they’re just labelling his entire being based off his opposition to that bill in Canada/daily wire/republican stuff

People don’t see the Jordan Peterson we see. The caring man who CRIES during his lectures about suffering people endure, no man is perfect, but I felt in my heart that he genuinely cares about people.

He has brought me through many dark times. The darkest of times. And I hope he gets better medically.

Just because someone reads a novel, doesn’t mean they now agree with EVERYTHING that individual stands for as well, and everything they’re associated with.

The groupthink and tribalism in humans is crazy

And even worse I’m Canadian and I shouldn’t be harassed by other Canadians about American politics that I try to avoid at all costs.

I love psychology. And I love Jordan’s style of psychology. I don’t deserve this hatred

This was before I knew I was on the spectrum

1. I bragged online about getting free coats not knowing it was for the homeless.

I was at work I was doing some kind of part time volunteering at the skating rink and nearby was a coat drive for winter coats for homeless people for the winter.

I didn’t know it was for the homeless. I was a pretty sheltered kid/teen and I remember being like “huh they’re free?” And the person who was volunteering there was like “yeah get as many as you need”

And I was like YIPPIE WOOOO and I picked out like 4 stylish coats. Then I was like “they’re free?? I’ll get my siblings some!!” And grabbed more

Then I came back home, and was posing in the mirror taking pictures with the coat on. It was such a sick coat.

And I was like “hit up (the place) for free coats!!” Online

I was bragging online: “maybe you can get a cool coat like me!”

My mom saw that and went “that’s for the homeless” and was disgusted by my behaviour

I felt immediately embarrassed and shocked

My mom helped me bring the coats back
————————-
2) I posted on Facebook marketplace a picture of my face saying “can help with anything”

I got a lot of messages saying “this is a sad day…” etc and I was really confused.

At the time I just thought “maybe I can get paid to help someone with their groceries” “maybe I can help someone with chores”

And then I realized they thought I was prostìtuting myself on Facebook marketplace

TL;DR: Raided A Coat Drive & Advertised Myself As A Prostitute

This was before I knew I was on the spectrum

1. I bragged online about getting free coats not knowing it was for the homeless.

I was at work I was doing some kind of part time volunteering at the skating rink and nearby was a coat drive for winter coats for homeless people for the winter.

I didn’t know it was for the homeless. I was a pretty sheltered kid/teen and I remember being like “huh they’re free?” And the person who was volunteering there was like “yeah get as many as you need”

And I was like YIPPIE WOOOO and I picked out like 4 stylish coats. Then I was like “they’re free?? I’ll get my siblings some!!” And grabbed more

Then I came back home, and was posing in the mirror taking pictures with the coat on. It was such a sick coat.

And I was like “hit up (the place) for free coats!!” Online

I was bragging online: “maybe you can get a cool coat like me!”

My mom saw that and went “that’s for the homeless” and was disgusted by my behaviour

I felt immediately embarrassed and shocked

My mom helped me bring the coats back
————————-
2) I posted on Facebook marketplace a picture of my face saying “can help with anything”

I got a lot of messages saying “this is a sad day…” etc and I was really confused.

At the time I just thought “maybe I can get paid to help someone with their groceries” “maybe I can help someone with chores”

And then I realized they thought I was prostìtuting myself on Facebook marketplace

Do y’all have cringey asf memories that make you want to implode into a million pieces

This was before I knew I was on the spectrum

1. bragged online about getting free coats not knowing it was for the homeless.

I was at work I was doing some kind of part time volunteering at the skating rink and nearby was a coat drive for winter coats for homeless people for the winter.

I didn’t know it was for the homeless. I was a pretty sheltered kid/teen and I remember being like “huh they’re free?” And the person who was volunteering there was like “yeah get as many as you need”

And I was like YIPPIE WOOOO and I picked out like 4 stylish coats. Then I was like “they’re free?? I’ll get my siblings some!!” And grabbed more

Then I came back home, and was posing in the mirror with the coat taking pictures. It was such a sick coat.

And I was like “hit up (the place) for free coats!!” Online

I was online bragging like “check them out! I got this great coat. Maybe you can get one as good as mine!”

My mom saw that and went “that’s for the homeless” and was disgusted by my behaviour

I felt immediately embarrassed and shocked

My mom helped me bring the coats back
————————-
2. I posted on Facebook marketplace a picture of my face saying “can help with anything”

I got a lot of messages saying “this is a sad day…” etc and I was really confused.

At the time I just thought “maybe I can get paid to help someone with their groceries” “maybe I can help someone with chores”

And then I realized they thought I was prostìtuting myself on Facebook marketplace

Do y’all have cringey asf memories that make you want to implode into a million pieces

This was before I knew I was on the spectrum

1. I bragged online about getting free coats not knowing it was for the homeless.

I was at work I was doing some kind of part time volunteering at the skating rink and nearby was a coat drive for winter coats for homeless people for the winter.

I didn’t know it was for the homeless. I was a pretty sheltered kid/teen and I remember being like “huh they’re free?” And the person who was volunteering there was like “yeah get as many as you need”

And I was like YIPPIE WOOOO and I picked out like 4 stylish coats. Then I was like “they’re free?? I’ll get my siblings some!!” And grabbed more

Then I came back home, and was posing in the mirror with the coat. It was such a sick coat.

And I was like “hit up (the place) for free coats!!” Online

My mom saw that and went “that’s for the homeless” and was disgusted by my behaviour

I felt immediately embarrassed and shocked

My mom helped me bring the coats back
————————-
2) I posted on Facebook marketplace a picture of my face saying “can help with anything”

I got a lot of messages saying “this is a sad day…” etc and I was really confused.

At the time I just thought “maybe I can get paid to help someone with their groceries” “maybe I can help someone with chores”

And then I realized they thought I was prostițuting myself on Facebook marketplace

Do y’all have cringey asf memories that make you want to implode into a million pieces

I hate the extra layers of social meaning and politics that come with family and groups of friends.

A one on one relationship is simple. If there’s a problem, ideally we talk about it. We clarify it directly.

In a group it becomes me, you, them, somebody else, back to me.

Information I never consented to being group knowledge circulates.

Alliances form.

One persons opinion of me can be altered by the others opinions

I’m also very direct and literal so groups feel impossible because there are always unstated rules, expectations, subtext, that I constantly have to track.

Honesty can be treated as aggression, debating an opinion can be seen as being rude when really I just want coherence.

Not to mention someone could find you difficult and annoying behind your back but to your face treat you nicely.

Even as something simple as “how are you” is just polite talk. For years I thought people actually cared about how I was.

People triangulate all the time. You have a disagreement with person A> they let person B know when you haven’t even said anything to person B because it doesn’t concern them

Groups are basically gossip, alliances, hidden expectations, emotional labour, drama, obligation, people collecting info about each other to use it against them later

Same goes with families except it’s 10x worse. Families regularly scapegoat their children, have a “golden child” and triangulate constantly. My parents emotionally abused me

And when you’re autistic on top of it?

Where every social interaction means I have to mask and perform?

I have no desire for friendship. At all. Every single friendship I had was them basically abandoning me the second they found someone better.

My whole life I was bullied for being on the spectrum.

My family abused me, and I was scapegoated

The only person I can tolerate is my boyfriend, and his relationships with family and friends drain me

Because I’m not even an Individual person to these people I’m just “the gf”

Even being pulled into his complicated friends and family makes me want to not have a boyfriend because even just being someone’s gf pulls me into gossip and triangulation and social politics

I want to believe this isn’t true. I want to believe that maybe I just specifically have had a bad hand given to me, or maybe that I’m the problem. But I have genuinely good intentions. I don’t speak unless spoken to. I keep to myself.

I try and try to make people laugh when I was younger and they treated me like a mascot or a meme rather than a human being

Even as a child I was very naive and couldn’t really tell the difference between being bullied and having a friend since most of my friends bullied me physically but also sometimes treated me nice

No wonder I want to be alone and I don’t even register family or friends as inherently good at all

I hate the extra layers of social meaning and politics that come with family and groups of friends.

A one on one relationship is simple. If there’s a problem, ideally we talk about it. We clarify it directly.

In a group it becomes me, you, them, somebody else, back to me.

Information I never consented to being group knowledge circulates.

Alliances form.

One persons opinion of me can be altered by the others opinions

I’m also very direct and literal so groups feel impossible because there are always unstated rules, expectations, subtext, that I constantly have to track.

Honesty can be treated as aggression, debating an opinion can be seen as being rude when really I just want coherence.

Not to mention someone could find you difficult and annoying behind your back but to your face treat you nicely.

Even as something simple as “how are you” is just polite talk. For years I thought people actually cared about how I was.

People triangulate all the time. You have a disagreement with person A> they let person B know when you haven’t even said anything to person B because it doesn’t concern them

Groups are basically gossip, alliances, hidden expectations, emotional labour, drama, obligation, people collecting info about each other to use it against them later

Same goes with families except it’s 10x worse. Families regularly scapegoat their children, have a “golden child” and triangulate constantly. My parents emotionally abused me

And when you’re autistic on top of it?

Where every social interaction means I have to mask and perform?

I have no desire for friendship. At all. Every single friendship I had was them basically abandoning me the second they found someone better.

My whole life I was bullied for being on the spectrum.

My family abused me, and I was scapegoated

The only person I can tolerate is my boyfriend, and his relationships with family and friends drain me

Because I’m not even an Individual person to these people I’m just “the gf”

Even being pulled into his complicated friends and family makes me want to not have a boyfriend because even just being someone’s gf pulls me into gossip and triangulation and social politics

I want to believe this isn’t true. I want to believe that maybe I just specifically have had a bad hand given to me, or maybe that I’m the problem. But I have genuinely good intentions. I don’t speak unless spoken to. I keep to myself.

I try and try to make people laugh when I was younger and they treated me like a mascot or a meme rather than a human being

Even as a child I was very naive and couldn’t really tell the difference between being bullied and having a friend since most of my friends bullied me physically

No wonder I want to be alone and I don’t even register family or friends as inherently good at all

I really struggled making friends, and when I wasn’t funny people called me weird. Didn’t have a lot of good interactions when I wasn’t being funny

I realized I couldn’t tell the difference between someone laughing AT ME vs WITH ME

I would always try to make others laugh, and it felt good

Felt like I belonged

I would do this at any cost to myself. Self deprecation, offering up personal details I shouldn’t have

I thought people liked me. I thought it was good that people would laugh, and smile, and I loved to entertain people

I realized too late that the people I was making laugh, the ones who said I was a “meme queen” and “hilarious” and “I want to live in your brain for a day” weren’t being nice to me

I was overextending myself to make these people entertained so they would like me

I was basically a jester

And did they ever ask to hangout? No

Did they ever include me? No

Did they ever treat me like an equal? No

They treated me as some kind of hilarious character instead of a person

And if I could go back, I would have told myself to stop performing for them.

I would have told myself that you can be funny, but give it to people who deserve it

Because at the end of the day, they didn’t
want to hangout with the clown

My Father The Raging Grandiose Narcissist Did:

\-My mother told me she fell down the stairs and screamed for help and it took my dad 10 minutes to come and help her because he was wrapped up in a tv show (before I was born)

\-My dad never paid his tickets and had his license taken away. He drove around for nearly 10 years no license meanwhile my mother worked for the courts in fear that my dad would be the next one in court

\-my dad would race people on the road in our van meanwhile his children and our mother begged him to please stop

\-my dad accidentally injured my mother on Thanksgiving when I was 10 (they were moving a log) and the log pierced through my mother and punctured a lung. When we got to the hospital he said “do you want to wait hours in the ER with your mother or do you want…. VIDEO GAMES!!! We were just children and we said video games. We all left her while my poor mother waited 9 hours in the ER alone on Thanksgiving

\-canceled vacations last minute everytime we were gonna go on a vacation and made my mother beg for him to go because she felt uncomfortable driving to another country. And when we went without him just me and my mom, we got lost and we were both panicking and he said “good luck” and hung up

\-my mother in a drunken rage destroyed a room in our home when I was like 12. I was terrified for her safety and was scared she was gonna jump off the deck, and I begged my dad to please take care of her. My dad watched tv and laughed at my mother, and just told me how stupid she was despite the fact I was traumatized. He would not check on her or help her. He was smiling the whole time as if this earned him “better parent” points

\-constantly threatened divorce with my mother and brought all of us children into his marriage “kids who is right” and then would laugh in my face as a child as I cried saying divorce is a good thing

\-he would hangout by the ledge of tall buildings, or in dangerous waters on vacation you’re not supposed to swim in with sharks etc and would make the whole family beg for him to not do this

\-never waited for the family to be done at dinner. Once he was done, even if my mother was only halfway through eating, he would get up, pay and wait in the car

\-walk at least 5 metres ahead of us at all times

\-he let me, a 13 year old walk back to the place we rented on vacation alone because I got my period and he wanted Taco Bell. I almost got kidnapped on the way back

\-had a smear campaign against my mother ever since I was born and would say “you know your mother is nuts” “your mother is slow/fat/ugly” and when I stopped allowing that he started to hate me and I became the scapegoat even as a young teenager

\-used me as a pawn in his marriage when I was a young child because he brainwashed us to think we was always right so he would say “who’s right” during fights and all kids would say him … until I grew a brain and stopped and he hated me for it

\-told me “my interests are garbage and I don’t want to hear it” when I tried to connect with him as an adult. I just said he might like this tv show and we should watch it

\-he trained my childhood dog to protect him and as children we could even touch my dad while the dog was on his lap or the dog would snap at us while my dad grinned

\-he threatened to throw my rabbits on the road when I disagreed with him

\-took away my period pads and tampons as a teenager when we argued and told me to buy my own despite the fact that I didn’t have a job

\-brainwashed my brothers his whole life to think that everything he did was perfect ex. My mother would make a good dinner that took effort and him and my brothers would go “meh” meanwhile my dad would make KD and he would go “‘mmmmmmmmmm” and my brothers would go “mmmm!!! Yummy!!”

\-looked through the router history and monitored everything I looked at online and would confront me about embarrassing things. To this day I’m terrified of having someone “watching” what I google online despite not living with him.

\-tried to manipulate me into thinking my entire extended family was “bad” so he could isolate me. He told me to never speak to my grandparents or aunts or uncles. Tried to tell me that they want my downfall. He told me I could never tell anyone what happens in this family, he said that if I did I was a traitor to my family, and he said that I would be making myself look stupid too because I’m apart of the family. As an adult I told everyone about the abuse because I would no longer be silenced.

\-refused to get a job for decades because he said quote “I will not get a job unless I’m the boss” while my mom begged him to get a job

\-called me a loser at 19 for working in 911. When I said he was a failed engineer turned truck driver, he blocked me for life

I could go on

My Father The Raging Grandiose Narcissist Did:

\-My mother told me she fell down the stairs and screamed for help and it took my dad 10 minutes to come and help her because he was wrapped up in a tv show (before I was born)

\-My dad never paid his tickets and had his license taken away. He drove around for nearly 10 years no license meanwhile my mother worked for the courts in fear that my dad would be the next one in court

\-my dad would race people on the road in our van meanwhile his children and our mother begged him to please stop

\-my dad accidentally injured my mother on Thanksgiving when I was 10 (they were moving a log) and the log pierced through my mother and punctured a lung. When we got to the hospital he said “do you want to wait hours in the ER with your mother or do you want…. VIDEO GAMES!!! We were just children and we said video games. We all left her while my poor mother waited 9 hours in the ER alone on Thanksgiving

\-canceled vacations last minute everytime we were gonna go on a vacation and made my mother beg for him to go because she felt uncomfortable driving to another country. And when we went without him just me and my mom, we got lost and we were both panicking and he said “good luck” and hung up

\-my mother in a drunken rage destroyed a room in our home when I was like 12. I was terrified for her safety and was scared she was gonna jump off the deck, and I begged my dad to please take care of her. My dad watched tv and laughed at my mother, and just told me how stupid she was despite the fact I was traumatized. He would not check on her or help her. He was smiling the whole time as if this earned him “better parent” points

\-constantly threatened divorce with my mother and brought all of us children into his marriage “kids who is right” and then would laugh in my face as a child as I cried saying divorce is a good thing

\-he would hangout by the ledge of tall buildings, or in dangerous waters on vacation you’re not supposed to swim in with sharks etc and would make the whole family beg for him to not do this

\-never waited for the family to be done at dinner. Once he was done, even if my mother was only halfway through eating, he would get up, pay and wait in the car

\-walk at least 5 metres ahead of us at all times

\-he let me, a 13 year old walk back to the place we rented on vacation alone because I got my period and he wanted Taco Bell. I almost got kidnapped on the way back

\-had a smear campaign against my mother ever since I was born and would say “you know your mother is nuts” “your mother is slow/fat/ugly” and when I stopped allowing that he started to hate me and I became the scapegoat even as a young teenager

\-used me as a pawn in his marriage when I was a young child because he brainwashed us to think we was always right so he would say “who’s right” during fights and all kids would say him … until I grew a brain and stopped and he hated me for it

\-told me “my interests are garbage and I don’t want to hear it” when I tried to connect with him as an adult. I just said he might like this tv show and we should watch it

\-he trained my childhood dog to protect him and as children we could even touch my dad while the dog was on his lap or the dog would snap at us while my dad grinned

\-he threatened to throw my rabbits on the road when I disagreed with him

\-took away my period pads and tampons as a teenager when we argued and told me to buy my own despite the fact that I didn’t have a job

\-brainwashed my brothers his whole life to think that everything he did was perfect ex. My mother would make a good dinner that took effort and him and my brothers would go “meh” meanwhile my dad would make KD and he would go “‘mmmmmmmmmm” and my brothers would go “mmmm!!! Yummy!!”

\-looked through the router history and monitored everything I looked at online and would confront me about embarrassing things. To this day I’m terrified of having someone “watching” what I google online despite not living with him.

\-tried to manipulate me into thinking my entire extended family was “bad” so he could isolate me. He told me to never speak to my grandparents or aunts or uncles. Tried to tell me that they want my downfall. He told me I could never tell anyone what happens in this family, he said that if I did I was a traitor to my family, and he said that I would be making myself look stupid too because I’m apart of the family. As an adult I told everyone about the abuse because I would no longer be silenced.

\-refused to get a job for decades because he said quote “I will not get a job unless I’m the boss” while my mom begged him to get a job

\-called me a loser at 19 for working in 911. When I said he was a failed engineer turned truck driver, he blocked me for life

I could go on

Hopecore

After nearly a decade of me being the scapegoat, after years of my criticisms over my parents being denied and dismissed…

The golden child of the family, my brother, called me today

I picked up expecting the worst tbh we haven’t spoken in years

He said that I was right. He agrees I was scapegoated. He agrees my parents are abusive. He apologized for dismissing me in the past.

He said that he always knew deep down I was right… but he felt that he had no freedom to publicly agree with me in the past

He financially needed my parents to survive. He was living with them. They were feeding him a narrative that he accepted as truth to maintain peace

Because he knew that if he went against the narc (my father) he would be scapegoated and estranged just like me and he didn’t want that

He said that he never had the balls to do what I did

He said that he didn’t have the freedom to do so, but now that he bought his own home, he has the freedom now to call it like it is

He said that that’s not an excuse for his behaviour, and that my other brother also agrees with me

He said that he wanted to maintain the illusion because the tiny child in him wanted my parents to always be right

And he’s right. I had the freedom back then to disagree and standup to my parents. I didn’t financially depend on them.

He knew that if he disagreed and defended me he would be ostracized too and would have been kicked out of the house or abused in other ways

I asked how being the golden child is. And I asked if he got the validation that I never got

And turns out?

Being the golden child in the narcissistic family system doesn’t even reap benefits.

He said that dad gives him scraps of attention. Never says “I’m proud of you” or “I love you”

He says the only way to even earn a tiny piece of validation is if you do the career they want, drive the car they want you to drive, have the lifestyle they want from you. And he doesn’t even align with that perfectly so he still doesn’t get validation

He says that I was the only free one because he was stuck in the family system while I was free from seeking their validation

He agrees that my dad is a narcissistic piece of shit. And that my mom is an enabler to him and basically on a leash

You have no idea how spiritually cleansed I feel right now

I thought it would take decades for him to finally understand

It only took him 10 years.

I feel so free right now, I could cry.

I could never contact my brothers in the past because I didn’t want them to collect data on me to feed to my parents. And they never agreed with me and always dismissed me in the past, so they didn’t feel like safe people

I’m so glad to have my brothers back. I’ve missed them so much.

All of this happening so fast makes me wanna stare at a wall for hours… it’s too much to process

Hopecore

After nearly a decade of me being the scapegoat, after years of my criticisms over my parents being denied and dismissed…

The golden child of the family, my brother, called me today

I picked up expecting the worst tbh we haven’t spoken in years

He said that I was right. He agrees I was scapegoated. He agrees my parents are abusive. He apologized for dismissing me in the past.

He said that he always knew deep down I was right… but he felt that he had no freedom to publicly agree with me in the past

He financially needed my parents to survive. He was living with them. They were feeding him a narrative that he accepted as truth to maintain peace

Because he knew that if he went against the narc (my father) he would be scapegoated and estranged just like me and he didn’t want that

He said that he never had the balls to do what I did

He said that he didn’t have the freedom to do so, but now that he bought his own home, he has the freedom now to call it like it is

He said that that’s not an excuse for his behaviour, and that my other brother also agrees with me

He said that he wanted to maintain the illusion because the tiny child in him wanted my parents to always be right

And he’s right. I had the freedom back then to disagree and standup to my parents. I didn’t financially depend on them.

He knew that if he disagreed and defended me he would be ostracized too and would have been kicked out of the house or abused in other ways

I asked how being the golden child is. And I asked if he got the validation that I never got

And turns out?

Being the golden child in the narcissistic family system doesn’t even reap benefits.

He said that dad gives him scraps of attention. Never says “I’m proud of you” or “I love you”

He says the only way to even earn a tiny piece of validation is if you do the career they want, drive the car they want you to drive, have the lifestyle they want from you. And he doesn’t even align with that perfectly so he still doesn’t get validation

He says that I was the only free one because he was stuck in the family system while I was free from seeking their validation

He agrees that my dad is a narcissistic piece of shit. And that my mom is an enabler to him and basically on a leash

You have no idea how spiritually cleansed I feel right now

I thought it would take decades for him to finally understand

It only took him 10 years.

I feel so free right now, I could cry.

I could never contact my brothers in the past because I didn’t want them to collect data on me to feed to my parents. And they never agreed with me and always dismissed me in the past, so they didn’t feel like safe people

I’m so glad to have my brothers back. I’ve missed them so much.

All of this happening so fast makes me wanna stare at a wall for hours… it’s too much to process

Vegan hatred consumed me.

Vystopia took over my life.

The biggest red flags in my mental health were wanting non vegans to get reincarnated as slaughterhouse animals because “justice”

Seeing a random person in the grocery store and wanting THEM to suffer rather than the animal

Crying because I walked by the meat isle in the grocery store.

Avoiding potlucks or any social event involving meat or dairy (which meant I couldn’t go to any)

Endlessly commenting on EVERY SINGLE POST I SAW with hatred and scorn towards non vegans

Reporting advertisements with meat in them

Having hatred towards vegetarians

Only talking about veganism and nothing else

Finding every single opportunity I can with anyone IRL or online to talk about veganism

Screaming at my boyfriend and saying “the animals hate you” “they’re in heaven right now and they hate you” “I hope you go to hell for what you do” despite me not believing in heaven or hell

Showing people horrid slaughterhouse footage even though they didn’t consent I would just say “you’re the one funding this. Look”

Even getting triggered by meat on a cartoon tv show

I WAS EVEN CONVERTING PEOPLE TO VEGANISM IN MY DREAMS

And now I have to do the walk of shame coming out of this insane phase while I eat meat and dairy. Fearful of what people will say now that I’m not in the grips of this anymore.

I literally ruined my online presence to the point I had to delete most of social media.

What did veganism do to your mental health?

Have any of you received “correction” about things that make no sense?

When I worked as an RBT, my BCBA would show up with no notice, and they would show up at the last 20 minutes of the session with the child.

Even though I literally just did all the work with them, I would have to do it AGAIN for the BCBA and it’d be rushed because they always show up last minute

I hate the no notice thing too. This made me paranoid. Every-time I even looked at my phone to look at the time- I would have borderline panic attacks that the BCBA would think I was on my phone if they walked in as I was checking the time

ANYWAY

The BCBA would critique the STUPIDEST THINGS that weren’t my fault.

For example. <<<<

A colouring activity where the goal was to not colour outside of the lines by 0.5 inches

They never provided any ruler or anything so I would eyeball it.

1 MONTH AFTER THE PROGRAM WAS LAUNCHED BTW

So she walks in like “here’s a ruler” “why haven’t you been measuring it”

????? BECAUSE YOU DIDNT PROVIDE A RULER IN THE PROGRAM MATERIALS???

And when I was trained with this child, the RBT who I shadowed never used a ruler because there wasn’t one.

So she tried to make me sound stupid for not measuring.

Did this big write up about it too. Like sorry but F off

Another example <<<<

The child I was working with DOES NOT LIKE TICKLES and it actively makes him distressed

But the BCBA refused to get rid of the target of this non verbal child asking for tickles on his device

So when the BCBA came, they recognized the child didn’t like it and even wrote “no motivation” in the comments MONTHS AGO

but STILL made me tickle the poor kid to see if he liked it just in case.

Yeah like his mind is gonna change on that after months.

And guess what? He got distressed.

She critiqued me and said that every time I work with him I should be trying to tickle him

I disagree with that completely but ohhhhhh the BCBA made sure to document that on her write up evaluation

LIKE THERES NO MOTIVATION HE DOESNT WANT TICKLES SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE AND DELETE THE PROGRAM

—————-
Have you ever been critiqued by a BCBA for something completely nonsensical? But you have to just sit there and take it and not disagree because otherwise you’re labeled difficult?

I personally have so many examples.