u/oatmilkkkkkk

Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, have not given a single fuck. And as somebody who is chronically Ill, I see a damn lot of them.

I mean, it’s typical for family to cover for abusers (my parents and sibling), but I assumed my “progressive” extended family would care, but they don’t!

I thought the “safe space” progressive group my abusive sibling is apart of would be horrified of what they’ve done, but they also don’t care!

I think a lot of people don’t know how to react, but in general, I’ve discovered that people just don’t give a shit. Unless you want to kill yourself, then the idea of you being dead makes others uncomfortable. Because being hurt and abused doesn’t make them feel guilty, but dying sure as hell does!

I know it’s true, they don’t really think, they just “do”. They don’t have the capacity or bandwidth to be good people. To do that, they’d have to constantly spend their energy to go against their own instincts.

It hurts so badly what they’ve taken from me, but the fact they took away my family is the worst. No amount of explaining or teaching has ever amounting to anything. The closest I get is with my mom, where she “understands, but doesn’t accept it.” She tells me “it makes logical sense, but I still reject it.”

My own subling, is violent and an awful person, my aunt stopped talking to me when I told them about my abuse- fuck being stuck in a crazy autistic family. If only I wasn’t physically disabled so I could better leave this situation.

I’m coming to accept the reality, but I have yet to grieve it, which is honestly the hardest part. The pain is so much, it makes me want to die. And I can‘t even properly grieve when I’m not out of the situation. And even then- I don’t know. I’m just constantly trying not to think about it, because if I remember and sit with it for a second it’s difficult to get out of it.

If only I was raised by robots, like I’m deadass. My parents and family have all the flaws of humans, but none of the warmth. If I’m not going to get actual human connection, I’d prefer a robot. At least they won’t blow up at me or have violent meltdowns. A well coded robot would be nice, at least I’d know from a young age to find a support system, rather then double down on my disaster family.

I couldn’t stand up for myself, I just faded away, stuck in my body, stuck in this home. They have stolen years of my life, and I don’t know if I want to be alive anymore. I have no energy to cope anymore. I’ve been treading water for far too long and my legs are just going to give out soon.

If I had actual supports I probably could’ve have a half normal high school life with my chronic illness, instead of being isolated from the world. I want to try to get an experience in college, but now I’m two years behind, with a broken mind. If only my parents were kind loving people who focused on my needs, instead they empathize with my violent autistic sibling because they share traits with them. They let my sibling steam roll me, because I think it’s what they wished they could’ve done to their siblings but never got to.