u/blackbird828

Hello everyone! I came across this on IG and wanted to share it here. Tanya Hubbard, a therapist and coach who is also childfree/less after infertility, is offering a 12 week group coaching program with Katy from Childless Collective. The program is called Cultivate and Flourish, and the description reads "A 12-week group coaching program to uncover who you’re becoming and emerge with a life worth dreaming about."

Here's the link for anyone who is interested in learning more - https://childlesscollective.com/cultivate

Hello again! I said in my post on 6/18 that I would be reopening the vote for 5 more days to make a full week. However, the voting was pretty decisive, so it did not seem there was a reason to keep the voting and discussion open. The mods have been thinking and chatting over the past several days and feel ready to share some thoughts. 

From active participants, the total number of votes from active members of the community was 106, with 74 in favor of continuing to use an expansive definition of infertility and 32 not in favor. Only about a third of the votes were from active community members, but even when looking at the overall totals, the ratio remained the same. Also, quite a few comments were from folks with little to no other participation in the subreddit, which was also interesting to notice.

We appreciate everyone’s feedback. We want this community’s rules and expectations to reflect what the members of the community need and want. This community was originally started 12+ years ago for people who attempted to conceive, were unable to have children, and ended up embracing childfree life. Regardless of whether you engaged in any level of fertility treatment, had/have a specific diagnosis (shoutout fellow unexplained infertility folks), or did/did not experience pregnancy loss, this community has always been for you if you tried to get conceive, weren’t able to have children, and moved on with your life as a childfree person.

In recent years, we have seen more participation from people experiencing infertility due to other medical conditions and social infertility. It seems that the community generally feels welcoming to people experiencing infertility due to other/pre-existing medical reasons, who never tried or are not able to try to conceive. The community seems a bit divided on whether this subreddit should allow folks who do not have any medical issues contributing to infertility, or social infertility. We share the concerns of members who commented about a “slippery slope” toward becoming a general childfree or infertility subreddit.  

Participation in this subreddit has always been limited. Our rules prohibit several groups of people from participation, and we regularly remove posts from people who do not fit the criteria to participate. We limited participation in this subreddit several years ago by creating monthly megathreads for people who are nearing the end of pursuing parenthood but strongly facing the possibility of IFCF life, and disallowing participation from these individuals in any other threads. Anytime there is a large group with rules and norms, some checking and redrawing of boundaries, if necessary, is going to need to happen. 

As the result of this recent discussion and vote, we are going to continue to allow people who are experiencing infertility due to other medical conditions, or due to what is commonly called social infertility, to continue participating here at this time. We are going to continue to monitor participation and the community’s response to various contributions, and may hold more discussions/votes and/or make additional changes in the future.

We understand that childlessness when children are wanted is painful, no matter the surrounding circumstances. At the same time, this subreddit cannot be everything to everyone. Not everyone agrees with the idea that no matter how someone arrives at childlessness, the grief is the same. Many infertility-focused subreddits take a fully expansive approach, and that is great. This subreddit has always functioned differently than most infertility-related subreddits. Anyone can create a subreddit if they find this one does not serve them. r/childless also has a very open approach. 

If you are someone who falls under the category of infertility due to other medical issues or social infertility, we ask that you keep in mind that not everything in this subreddit will resonate with you. Comments about being able to easily get pregnant if not for X circumstance, or about hypothetical pregnancies are not allowed. Engaging in Pain Olympics such as “you should be grateful you even got to try” or “my pain is worse because I’m single” is absolutely not allowed. Participating because you think you might have a medical condition that will maybe make it tough to get pregnant, but you’re planning to try anyway and in the meantime you want to post here is not okay. Engaging in abusive language in modmail because you misunderstand the rules or think they shouldn’t apply to you will earn you a permanent ban. These things have been happening, and they are not okay. 

u/library_wench is going to share some thoughts soon on other trends we’ve noticed in the subreddit, as a reminder to people who are subscribed to this subreddit and visitors. We’re also going to be recruiting a couple new moderators in the near future. 

As always, please modmail us with any questions! I’m going to leave comments open, but we will not be answering specific “can I participate” questions in comments, and standalone posts with the same theme will be removed as well. If you have this question or any others, please send a modmail and we will respond when we are able.

Hello IFCF Community! u/library_wench and I have had some mod discussion about a trend we are noticing, and deciding to put the matter to a community vote. 

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In recent years, we have allowed participation from people who have not necessarily experienced infertility, but who have been unable or unwilling to pursue pregnancy/parenthood due to other medical conditions or social reasons. We have generally operated with an open-minded approach. However, recently we have questioned as a moderator team whether this is what is best for this community. While there are many ways to end up childless/childfree not by choice or however one identifies, there is a unique pain in experiencing the inability to get or stay pregnant that cannot be understood by those who have not experienced it. We see this reflected in posts and comments that miss the mark, because of differing experiences, as well as in some pretty rough modmails we have received recently after removing such posts and comments.

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So, we are asking the community to vote. Do we continue operating with an expansive approach to the concept of infertility, or do we limit participation to people who have tried to get pregnant, been unable to become parents, and have stopped pursuing parenthood?

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If the community votes to limit participation as outlined in the second option, people who think they might have difficulty getting/staying pregnant, or who might experience medical hardship if they try to conceive, carry a pregnancy, or go through fertility treatment, would no longer fit the criteria for participating in this community. Not would people experiencing what is commonly referred to as social infertility - never tried because they didn't find a partner, did have the financial security to bring a child into the world, etc. As always, people who are pursuing fostering and/or adoption, even if that plan is uncertain and far off in the future, would still not fit the criteria for participating here. 

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Voting will be open for one week. (edit to add - I made a mistake and voting is only open for 2 days. I'll make another poll tomorrow that refers to this thread for 5 more days of voting) Discussion is welcome- we expect that discussion will remain civil and follow the rules of Reddit and this community. We recognize that this is a difficult subject and we anticipate not everyone will be happy that we are considering this. Please remember that your moderators are volunteers who are doing our best to make this community a space for the people who belong to it. Sometimes that means checking the boundary lines and reshaping them a little if needed.

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