Do your parents treat their son(s) and daughter(s) differently?
Long post ahead, TLDR in the end.
Some context on my family and living situations:
My 36(F) parents live with my 39(M) brother and his family at my father’s home (My childhood home). It’s important to mention that this home belongs to my father and he is still earning and the “Head of the family” so to say. My brother, his wife and his two kids (4M & 8M) are living with them.
I’m married and have lived in a different city with my husband for 7 years now. We are a childfree couple by choice. I’m also someone who has lived very sparsely at home for half my life now, owing to college and work, barring vacations or in between jobs. My brother has lived at home longer, overall, after school ended.
Naturally, I feel I’m a bit parentified due to how I was moulded out to be the ‘fierce girl child who does her own thing and travels the world’ lol. I used to feel proud of this branding earlier, but now I see this is a cop out for never being there for me because “She will manage like she always does”.
My brother on the other hand, like a typical Indian man, is the flag-bearer of weaponised incompetence. He, like other men of my family, is also misogynistic and purposefully wanted to marry someone who earns less and is a simpleton, who will ultimately be bound to him because of financial reasons, since he has nothing much else to offer as a person. And that he did.
He got married a couple of years before me. Ever since I found my partner through LM, it’s like I’ve been packed off and away forever. They’ve systematically removed me from big family decisions, happenings and I often come to know of what’s happening at home by accident.
No one from my family turned up for me when I was prepping for my wedding, my husband and I did all the shopping and decision-making by ourselves. Their excuse then was that my brother has a young baby and his wife needs help. Post that, in these 7 years, I’ve had periods of extreme illness, depression, happiness and they’ve turned their back on me through all of them citing that “Brother & SIL need help with the kids”.
It’s also important to state here that they’re very well-off as a unit and we have help lined up for everything - two Nannies on rotation, cook, cleaner, driver, someone to do top jobs. So it’s not like they’re short of hands really.
My parents visit ONLY when there are medical emergencies and stuff since I live in a bigger city with better facilities. As soon as that’s done, they’re back home. They try to pass these trips off as “spending time with me” lol.
Now that we have this broad context, I’ll get to what happened yesterday. They were planning one of their usual “obligation trip” to ours because there is a family function that they need to attend here. My husband and I requested them to extend their 2-day stay be ONE DAY, so that we could all do a 1-day short trip to a beautiful location that is an hour away from us. We really wanted to go along-with my family because we barely get to spend time with them.
While they initially said yes to the plan, my husband got a feeling that they’re not really keen, and there’s no point tripping like that. So we asked them again that they can let us know if they’re not as keen.
My mother tried to dilly-dally and even “jokingly” asked if my husband doesn’t have to get back to his office that day (He is a really busy corporate professional), and if I have no other work to do. My father then took over and said they really want to but they’ll have to “discuss with your brother once”.
It’s always like this. They always seek some sort of “permission” from him to spend even a day extra with me. Because “Oh they have kids and it’s hard to manage”. Btw my brother and his family don’t really care about asking them when they plan something. They just do what they have to. My brother also says my parents don’t “help them much” which is just usual Indian-man-thanklessness because hello!!?? They pay for shit, live with you, care for your children 24x7, but apparently they don’t do much.
I’m tired of being just the nurse whenever they come for their medical stuff. My home isn’t a hotel or a hospice. Just because I don’t act like an incompetent child doesn’t mean I don’t need emotional support and presence from my parents.
I’ve discussed this all in therapy and stuff. I know all of the coping mechanisms. But it still hurts because biology. How can you not seek connection from parents, especially when it’s given freely to one sibling?
Does anyone else face this sort of gender discrimination from their own parents?
*TLDR - Parents refuse to spend time with me without it being a medical emergency or some ‘need’ like that. They spend all their time, energy and resources on brother and his family. They “consult” with him if I ask for even a day extra with them at mine. I’m super annoyed and heartbroken.*