u/blondiegirly101

I started seeing someone back at the end of January, we’ve moved really slow (at my request lol). He only knows I was SA’d, I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen in college, and I’m still healing from it/have PTSD. So he barely knows a thing lol.

He asked me to be his girlfriend two days ago so I of course said yes. But now I feel like I owe him all the details and that he deserves to know the uglier details about how it’s affected me, etc. It terrifies me. It was hard enough to tell him the things I’ve told him already, so the details are going to be fucking brutal to tell him.

But I have no reason to believe he wouldn’t handle the details well. In fact, I love him for the way he’s handled my ptsd. I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like he’s the most incredible, most mature guy I’ve ever met. It’s so foreign to me, and it’s terrifying that I could be building something so real and healthy. (But at the same time, it’s kinda the bare minimum, we shouldn’t have such low standards for men, they should all be empathetic and not awful lmao).

I just had my first ever pelvic floor therapy session and it was fucking weird. Idk. Idk how to feel rn lol.

I just feel stupid for having to go through it at all, like none of my friends have to get medically fingered ugh. I feel really exposed and just dumb. It felt invasive and exposing… I just feel sad and down now and emotionally exposed idk it’s hard to explain

We did diaphragmatic breathing during it and the rest of my body kept tensing up. Most of my tension is deeper to the right side. Weirdly, the ending of her removing her finger was the worst, most uncomfortable feeling part.

Idk. I hope it helps. How has everyone else’s experiences been with this?

I used to look at people in relationships, in real life and on tv shows/movies and wonder how people wanted to kiss that much. And hearing about how often couples were intimate, I never understood how they all wanted it so much. I remember my first kiss, I wanted/needed it to stop immediately and right away I was like “I can’t be in a relationship because I don’t wanna do the stuff people in relationships do.”

Now I do. Now that I found someone I feel safe with, is patient, literally calms my nervous system when we’re cuddling, it’s all I wanna do when we’re together. so yup I just never felt safe enough with the guys I had liked where I could actually want it. it’s really sad to think about how much the abuse screwed me up🥲

I have an unworthiness wound. there’s a layer of people pleasing and not being good enough that’s tied into my trauma. it’s the CSA, my parents never taking my anxiety seriously/believing me growing up (which I now know was so bad bc of the abuse), having to compete for attention and praise at my sport all the time and being shamed for feeling sick or sad or any emotion while there. I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough. I’ve always felt like I have to suppress my needs to make others around me happy/comfortable/that mine aren’t as important and I should be easygoing.

it also makes sense considering my type has ALWAYS been guys that I have to chase after and prove my worth to. like I have to perform and show them how great I am to be chosen. emotionality unavailable guys that carry some uncertainty.

anyone else?

I learned today that I was diagnosed with OSDD in addition to the PTSD, stemming from the childhood sexual abuse. what the fuck!!!! ik it just means I dissociate and that I have another part of self that was broken off that holds more info/the trauma.

I already knew I had an innerchild part, i’ve done lots of work with her, but I didn’t realize how similar it is to having alters. because I can switch/talk to this part (after lots of trauma work, it was NOT easy). because it has always felt like I have two differing sides to me/internal conflict with subjects that could relate to the trauma. damn. I’m just ranting at this point

25F. dating a guy that isn’t awful has made me realize how awful my type usually is. Until now, I have never had a man care about me. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I have never had friends that don’t make me feel like shit in times I have to cancel/reschedule from my anxiety/ptsd acting up. 🤣🤣🤣 sometimes they won’t even reply to me when I do it/open up with it🤣🤣🤣 the times I have had to reschedule or cancel with him, I physically tense up and cringe until he replies because I’m bracing him being upset with me and knowing i’ll feel terrible about disappointing him and he just isn’t. it’s so strange. he tells me he cares about me and apologizes for me not feeling well/up to it. It feels like I don’t deserve any of it. this is SO fucking new to me it’s insane. he told me he cares about me today and I almost started crying bc I’ve literally never had this in my entire life and it feels foreign

so I’ve been seeing this guy since the end of january. I used to semi panic before each date, would stretch out the time between dates for my system to reboot and process. it helped me SO much. he had been totally fine with my pace, and had been nothing but amazing when I mentioned my ptsd (no details other than SA).

now I miss him as soon as we’re apart, we’re hanging out more frequently, I don’t panic before dates anymore and I actually have noticed he helps regulate my nervous system. we cuddled a few times and I nearly stayed out with him for 4+ extra hours each time. I just crave being held and us cuddling. i loooove it.

BUT. my body keeps disconnecting anytime we start to be intimate. like I feel more arousal when we’re just cuddling, he’s moving his hand around my body. but then as soon as we start kissing, I feel nothing anymore. I don’t freeze or anything though, because my mind wants it and is obviously attracted to him and I want to keep going, my body just like shuts off. ik it’s a trauma response and a safety thing.

how do I fix this? I have advice from my therapist and chatgpt but I want more real life advice from those have gone through it. thank you :’)