How do I know why I am the way I am?
I'm a minor and I've been struggling with mental health since covid if I remember correctly, but I can't seem to tell if it's just how I am, or some mental illness I have, or just hormones or puberty.
I remember being depressed and lethargic during covid, I didn't step out of my house for six months and my stamina had declined a lot. I felt like I was living in a simulation or a game, or like I was watching a movie in first person a lot back then, I don't know why that happens? I didn't have problem with social life until two years later, I suddenly got less confident and a lot introverted compared to before, where I was outgoing. I got self conscious and depressed, this could be attributed to puberty and hormones, but I cried at least once almost everyday, or several days a week for months. I wanted to get fixed, so I when to the psychiatrist, wanting to be relieved, but I couldn't tell if the small dose of antidepressants were working or not, the doctor couldn't provide things I expected from going to a professional(I didn't know the difference between a psychiatrist and a therapist back then), and I felt guilty for making my mom waste money on this, so I stopped going after around two months.
I kept struggling though, and sometimes I would come home and cry sobbing because I got upset, and would feel the need to throw things or break things, so I tore paper or broke pens, threw my phone etc. I would also hit my head with my hands or on the wall or desk out of frustration, scratching my legs or rubbing my face, not knowing how to get it out. It would take half an hour for me to fully calm down, and I'd get exhausted after. It would happen too when I tried telling my mom what I was struggling with, and she seemed to not understand at all. I needed to be alone during my breakdown and I couldn't stop crying. It made my mom stressed about my problems and it made it even harder to tell her about it. But it wasn't like I was totally out of control, I think. I could not throw things or hurt myself if I tried, I think. So I couldn't tell if it was just an embarrassing tantrum I was throwing to get attention or a meltdown. I keep crying very often, and sometimes in public, and I would go into stairwells or the coner of the parking lot to cry it out. I would call in sick for school often due to feeling some kinda of dread having to stay in school for the whole day, or after school activities. I feel guilty but I don't know what to do.
I feel like I got raised wrong or got spoiled, and that's why I'm throwing tantrums and getting upset at small things. After covid and after turning introverted, I had to relearn how to make friends, what kind of responses gets positive feedback or what kind of stance would fit in the majority. I used to be anxious around people, but now I'm a lot better. Still I can't figure out why the things I do are kind of different, even if I say the same thing, it doesn't garner the same response. And I feel like other people's conversations go much smoother, or easily get personal, while I have no idea how to do that. So I just keep on until I slowly gain their trust. And often when I share struggles or personal things, I feel like I just overshared or burdened the other person, and when I talk too much, I don't feel good.
I know people have their own struggles, but are others' struggles just like mine as well?
I also feel anxious when I hear my mom or dad swears(they didn't beat me at all), sometimes I get antisocial and get extremely anxious walking out wanting to avoid getting seen at all. And a huge part is that I started getting very upset when my mom would open my door without knocking or giving me a warning. I wasn't like that before, but it frustrated me to no end when she would just open my door, or would knock and then immediately open the door. I talked to her about it, it didn't get fixed first try, I had to cry and beg her, keep reminding her, and she doesn't stick her head in or open the door too wide and knocks beforehand(I also got upset when she would stick her head in or peer in through the open door.) I would go out to see her if I was ready. And also in the bathroom, I got paranoid when walking out and going to my room, because I had to go naked and was afraid of someone being in the hallway, or even the living room. I would stay inside until no sounds were heard, or I would hear door closing, even when I took off my clothes, I got anxious about the sound getting to other people's ears. But only in my home. When I would encounter or notice someone in the hallway while going to my room, I would jump and run to my room and break down. When I avoided my dad, I would avoid being in the same room as him or even getting seen by him, and I would run in my room and waited until he went in his room. I get irritated easily when things don't go my way, and I get upset and cry. I feel like I'm too prone to stress.
Thing are better for me, but I still cry very often and get stressed easily often.
I also went to free therapy that was weekly supported by the state for around four months. It was okay at first, I just cried a lot when I'd have to tell her my feelings or experiences. But when she started to show that she couldn't understand just a tiny bit, or the communication got frustrating for me, I just stopped going as well.
I don't know if I have some problem with me that I have to go through or fix, or something else. I'm pretty online, so I took anxiety and autisum 'tests' from multiple sources but gave up because it felt ridiculous to go see a professional because of an online test. Please give me some word of advice or something to look into. I just want some logical explanation or a conclusion that I could hold onto. Am I just acting out for attention? I don't want to be that kind of person and I'm scared.
I'm sorry this is a long post but I've been struggling and need some help. I'm planning to go get prescribed some antidepressants after mid term to actually give it a try this time. English is my second language, I'm sorry if my writing is harder to digest 😓