Porn, lies and trust: is this the end?
I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask for help. I’m really hurt and just hope for understanding.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 5 years, and we’re engaged. He is 27 and I am 26. Aside from both of us having dated one other person we are each other’s only relationship and have had a lot of time to build together. Early on, we talked openly about pornography and both acknowledged having struggled with it. I told him I would always rather he be honest with me if he ever slipped up. He seemed like he would be more than willing to and relieved I understood.
Throughout our relationship, I’ve asked him directly if he was watching porn, and he always said no. Yesterday, I found evidence that he had been consuming it. When I confronted him, he initially denied it until I told him I had proof. He then admitted it, but said he hadn’t used it to masturbate but that he just watches it like a show on TV (🙄). Later in the conversation, he admitted he had been struggling with it seemingly his whole life but he also acted like this was more of a recent slip-up. He kept giving contradictory information, but it ended up coming down to this being problematic for years.
What hurts me most is that he repeatedly lied to me, even when I gave him plenty of opportunities to be honest throughout our relationship. I have asked him several times throughout our relationship and always prefaced it by reiterating how I understand the struggle. Yesterday, I again blatantly asked him if he viewed it, and he told me “no.” He gave me the same answer as before until I told him I had evidence. My previous relationship ended because my ex was a sex addict who hid things from me, so this situation is bringing up a lot of those same fears. He also knows how my last relationship ended and so I feel extremely betrayed that he would essentially repeat the same trauma I’ve already endured.
We’ve talked about marriage, but I’m uncomfortable moving forward when I feel like he was willing to enter a marriage without being honest about something he knew was important to our faith and me. He says he wants counseling but he couldn’t even acknowledge his problems so how is that supposed to work? I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore.
I’ve struggled with porn too, so I don’t want to be hypocritical or act like I’m judging him as a person for struggling with it. But that doesn’t mean I agree with the behavior or think it’s okay. I’m deeply hurt by the porn use itself, but the secrecy and lying are what have hurt me most. I feel violated by the whole situation, and I don’t want acknowledging the lying and secrecy to undermine how seriously I feel about the porn use.
I think I know how I plan to proceed. I guess I’m just curious as to anyone else’s experiences. Again, I’m not even sure if this is the right place to ask. I’m sorry if this offends anyone. I’m just really low right now and feel so misled. I’ve prayed for a sign about this relationship and perhaps this is my sign God gave me.
Would you consider this a serious enough breach of trust to reconsider the relationship? How would you proceed in this situation?