u/bluenile02

Let me know if this needs any other flairs

I'm 24 and started abusing dexedrine/dexamfetamine early last year, had such a beautiful honeymoon phase that I didn't stop romanticising it until a few months ago. Was always off and on due to limited access & funds (not prescribed). Had some serious scary moments including a seizure due to continued use, eating nothing, and dehydration. Finally ended up quitting for a decent amount of time and began to feel myself come back; relapsed lightly a few times but found that all the euphoria of the drug was gone and it was no longer even worth it.

During the middle of the year, I had a really good period of being sober and feeling happy and grounded in myself. I thought I'd never go back to dex ever, I thought I had blasted through any enjoyable effects and experienced the horrors of addiction (shame, no sleep, comedown crash and depression, thousands of dollars wasted, lying, secrecy, health scares, dopamine completely fucked, reliance, etc etc etc).

Then a whole series of unfortunate things happened and I spent two months in a haze of anxiety and depression. Eventually the addiction bug in my brain took hold and asked, why stay sober if it's going to feel this shit anyway? Relapsed, and in a twist of fate suddenly find dex much cheaper and more readily available. I have now been taking it far more consistently and in higher doses than ever before.

I never thought I'd be worse than I was before. I am really scared of what's going to happen when I do eventually stop because I imagine the crash will be more devastating than ever. I have many responsibilities and important things on the horizon ... and I feel so incredibly sick to my stomach thinking about all the money wasted especially when I earn so little in the first place.

I want to change. I will find a time that won't fuck up my life, I will stop, I will sleep for days, then I will wake up early and run. I will eat well and exercise every day. I do want to love myself instead of dragging my ailing body down the train tracks

I guess I'm just posting to vent to people who understand and to say if you are in the same situation, I'm with you and I'm so sorry </3 addiction is crazy crazy crazy it controls you completely. But I know I'm the only one who can help myself really. Oh well, much love

This is just a vent as I have no one to tell. I started abusing dexamphetamines last year, not prescribed, so I didn't have the money for it to spiral fully out of control, but it still got fucked up. Have had numerous periods of abstaining since then, but since the beginning of this year, I haven't bought them myself once. Only relapsed when a friend gives me some, and then never huge amount. My relationship ended recently but I was dealing it with okay, maintaining healthy habits and going to the gym, keeping up with work and uni, being somewhat social.

But something flipped in me this week and I finally bought more, with money I definitely can't afford to lose. Took way too much & drank way too much last night, and then at 4am I ended up buying MORE with literally ALL the money I have left.

I feel like such a waste for being 24 and being this broke, mostly because I've spent all my money on dexies, or on buying stuff impulsively when I'm on dexies, or buying stuff to make me feel something when I'm withdrawing. I feel like I was engaging in a semi-healthy life and feeling alright and now I've fucked it completely for no clear reason. I do not feel like a person with strong will power.

I know it will be fine and I've done it before from worse conditions, and I'm grateful for what I have and the capacity to improve. But it is hard not to hate yourself when you can't even control your own behaviour, the shame is massive. Sending love to everyone