u/boonusboiayyy

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In October 2024, I was raped by my (then) girlfriend. She proceeded to harass me for almost a year after I walked away in January 2025. I'm afraid of her. I'm afraid she will try and break her way back into my life and hurt me again. I'm afraid of what I will do if she triggers a panic attack and I go into fight or flight. I'm afraid that she will drive a wedge in between me and my boyfriend. I'm afraid of all these things, but what im not afraid of is admitting that I feel that fear.

My ex raped me. She raped me while i was dependent on a cane to walk. I was in massive pain after a long, strenuous day out. She wanted sex, I was in no fit state to provide, so she took it, knowing I wasn't in a state where I could fight back.

I just don't understand what she got out of it. I'm lying there in agony struggling to move, and she carried on. I was crying from the pain and the fear, and she carried on. I was trying to tell her to stop, and she carried on. I just can't get it. Who gets off on attacking a disabled fella?

I remember seeing her face afterwards while she slept, and she had a look of such contentment on her face. She was pleased with what she had done to me. She had enjoyed seeing me in pain and taking what she wanted anyway. Some days, I see that face and feel the pain in my legs whenever I close my eyes.

I was raped.

This happened about a year and a half ago.

I, a transfem individual, was dating a woman who was emotionally abusive to me. At the time, I was dealing with severe joint issues, to the point of being reliant on a walking stick to keep myself upright. One night, after a day out, she wanted to have sex. I was in no right condition to provide, so said no. She took 3 hours of asking please please please please, and I gave in, because I was afraid of what might happen if I said no, being physically vulnerable. I laid there, while she had her way, my mind saying "this isn't right, we need to move" but I was stuck in place, frozen. She'd moved my cane away from the bed, so I'd have been crawling away even if I had moved. I dragged myself to the sofa after she was done and laid there crying. I slept alone that night, feeling the loneliest I ever have in my life.

This memory came back to me approximately a month and a half ago, and while I'm seeking professional help, I've no clue how to be able to close my eyes without feeling the pain in my leg, smelling the room we were in, feeling the loneliness I felt on that sofa.

I'm putting this here as a scream into the void, to make sure my story exists somewhere except in my head.