u/bottleoffries

(Just trowing this into the void because talking about it helps)

“I’ll make the world whatever I want it to be.” - Pippi Longstocking

This quote from my favourite childhood books describes my Ex's way or arguing remarkably well.

He would often come up with weird BS scenarios about how he wanted life, me and the world in general to be and would then treat these scenarios as if they were the absolute truth of the universe or set in stone plans that everyone had already agreed to, the second they materialized into his brilliant mind.

Some examples of these scenarios/fantasies of his and the ways that reality clashed with them:

1. He was definitely going to move in with me after one month and sleep on a camping bed in my room.

-> I have a roommate. Had them since before my ex and I got together. Roomie lived there first, I moved in with them. Even if I WANTED him to move in, I couldn't have let him without getting permission from my roomie. Also the flat is NOT big enough for three. Also He had no money to pay for rent/utilities (lived with his parents and barely worked)

2. I was to quit my job and just work for his employer, so he could have access to me 24/7 since it was 100% remote and only part time, two days per week.

-> the job was in a field I didn't know shit about, paid way less than my current one and was completely outside of my field of competence. I also needed my higher paying job so I can finance my studies in medicine later this year.

5. I could take every hobby I have to his place (drawing sewing, making music, reading) and just do them while he was there. Taking time to myself or me doing these things alone hurt him too much.

-> would have been nice if it worked but as soon as I tried to draw at his place he couldn't leave me alone for more than five minutes without touching me, poking me, yapping at me or shoving his hands down my clothes because he was bored.

5. I needed to give him all of my freetime, every second after work, every weekend, EVERYTHING, otherwise I was a bad, hurtful and borderline abusive partner.

-> I really did try at first but man... He pushed me into an actual burnout with this. We talked about this a LOT but my agruments just weren't valid to him.

6. My hobbies should be centered around him (cosplay characters he wanted to f***, draw porn for him, read books he wants me to read etc.)

-> drawing and cosplaying are deeply personal things for me and I hate drawing smut or objectifying myself with my cosplays. Also reading isn't fun when you're not doing it of your own free will

Now if I had been able to talk to him like a regular grown up (we're both nearily 30 btw) it would have been fine. Lower your expectations, set realistic goals, find compromises. This was impossible with him though.

He was "my way or the highway" with EVERYTHING and every time I told him why something he wanted couldn't realistically work, he'd ignore every fact and argument and just give me the good old "If you actually loved me, you would make it work! This just proves that you never really loved me!!! You are neglecting my needs! You don't let me live my truth and my sexuality! You're purposely neglecting me! YOU'RE hurting ME!"

Talking to my therapist about this helps so much and he actually named my Ex's behaviour "Pippi Longstocking arguments" because giving this grown toddler's behaviour a childish name really helps reframe it into something that doesn't burn my insides anymore. Looking at it as the childish tantrum of a man who never truly grew up, helps with not feeling angry anymore, it means that I won't have to stay up at night anymore, spending hours thinking about all those stupid stupid arguments, that I never could have won in the first place because he had decided the only acceptable outcome, before they even started.

Obviously this approach might not help everyone and most certainly shouldn't be used for every situation but it does help me quite a bit.