Life on automode
Less than a month ago, life drop a joke on me. I thought it wasnt a big deal. It has happened before, I healed, and like a joke, yet another guy proved to me, it will happen again.
There's only a certain amount of time you can take damage before you become irrepairable you know? There is also no pause button in life.
7.00 am on the dot, my alarm clock rang, on the next Monday. As if the night before I was not on the floor struggling to breathe between my sobs, shaking arms to support myself up. I remember thinking - no, I can't cry too much or my eyes will be swollen at work.
7.05 am, I stood in front of the mirror, yeah, a bit swollen. Cold shower it is. And another day starts, wake up, work, come back, unexpected tears once in a while.
I made a lot of mistake that first week. Every mistake brings tears to my eyes. Turns out, I'm also incompetent when I'm broken hearted. Not a surprise honestly. I wish they have a heartbreak leave 😂
Well, I can't make him stay. I also can't lose my job. So it starts. Numb myself with work - surprisingly productive. Work work work, cry, work work work.
I dont take alcohol, dont smoke, dont have friends in this city. My only distraction is work.
I feel tired from work, but to erase him from my mind, I work again. Work consumes me, deadlines chasing me, even in my dream. My sleep are getting shorter and shorter, sleep at 12, wake up at 4, work. Sometimes I sneak a cry session in there.
Feels pathetic for me to throw myself a pity party tonight, but I feel like I've been on automode for some time now. Its a bit exhausting, so lets feel a bit human tonight.
Next day is always coming, be it with or without me.