u/burlapscars

I feel like I'm at my wits' end. about 2 weeks ago, she found out I'm still trans and don't dress "normally" at uni. she basically forced me to admit it when I was 14, after that I kept a low profile. what followed was hours and hours of psychological torture basically, for days. with no way to leave the conversation, otherwise she'd tell dad about it. she thinks I'm brainwashed and fixable. that I just haven't tried hard enough.

yesterday when I got back to my parents' house, the whole thing began again. last time I'd been made to promise her I'll try to become normal with a forced handshake. this time I asked her to go to the forest to talk, as I couldn't bear holding another session of this in the house. there I tried to be completely honest and explain my position. she threatened to crash the car and at one point started walking and said she's gonna get the keys and write a letter to dad and sister so that they know who's guilty. I had literally dialed the emergency number but didn't call, got her to calm down somewhat by promising I'll at least wear some more fem clothes at uni. which I won't... everyone at uni knows me by my chosen name, some don't even know I'm trans, and I've been on low-dose t for a while now. my voice has had a complete drop, but I fake a fem voice with family.

so what the fuck. I cannot do something that's impossible for me, I feel like I actually like existing now. but when she literally threatens to commit suicide, what am I supposed to do?? it's like she doesn't even know how to communicate and hold a normal conversation. everything I say can be used against me and is twisted some way.

edit for context: I'm financially independent and have my own place in the uni city. and sorry about my English, I should be able to English as I study linguistics but not really in the right state of mind rn

I've been thinking about coming out to my sister. Maybe when she turns 13 in summer. It feels a bit egoistic, but I'd like to have at least someone in my family of origin who I don't have to lie to and pretend.

I've been on t (not full dose) since January. My voice is both male and female passing and I switch when I visit them. Even now, when we're alone in the house, I just get a breather when I'm with her. I can kind of not force my voice too much and don't have to focus that much on appearing and acting like just a non-fem woman.

One part of me feels afraid that if I wait too long, she could perhaps adopt at least some of the queerphobic views of my parents. Both are very transphobic. Dad has no idea I'm trans. Mom suspects, but I've been pretending to be cis from the point in time when she basically forced me to come out to her and all hell broke loose. Children are more flexible. I want to believe that she hasn't yet learned to hate. If I think back to my own mindset at that age.. to me, queer people, well, just existed and were weird. I never had any inclination to hate, but I did feel some apprehension towards the community, that they're not normal. But I now recognize that it was purely because of the mindset at home. So I don't necessarily think she'd grow up to hate me, but I'm still a bit scared.

Another concern of mine is that maybe that'd foster more distrust in the family. I'd have to make it very clear to her that she'd have to hide this knowledge at all costs. Mom is kind of a helicopter parent anyway, but I know firsthand how hard twisting the truth is. I've had my fair share of leaving things unsaid, but that's probably because I drifted way apart from her anyway since the rejection and learned to hide basically everything. I don't want my sister to carry this burden. She doesn't have this preset aspect of herself she'd have to hide, so I feel like she'd at least have a chance of retaining a closer normal relationship with our mother. Especially since she's so young still.

Coming out to her would damage my defenses, as she could unintentionally/accidentally out me in whatever way. Though I have accepted that they will most likely find out one day, and I'm almost fine with it now. There's no way I'd stop taking t now. I'm simply too content with my life. So if it's an inevitability anyway, I'm thinking why not just tell her. Since going to university and not living in the same household with my sister, only visiting every other weekend, I feel like I'm one of these siblings that just disappear from their younger siblings' lifes as adults. I basically don't talk to her anymore. If I knew we were on the same page about what should be kept a secret, I would talk to her more even if I'm away, and I want to feel connected to her. Currently it's like I've just cut her off at the expense of keeping up this lie.