Are my instincts right? Is my military husband gay?
My marriage has been a lonely, empty place for years. As I was getting ready this morning, it hit me— I think my husband is gay. It really explains so much. Background: my husband is military (more than 20 years in). We have been married just over a decade. When we met, I was coming off a toxic relationship. Prior to that, I was in a physically abusive marriage. He was different— genuine, kind, and “safe.” While dating, I initiated sex 90% of the time. When we did have sex, he struggled to stay hard. He rarely finished. I would try to talk to him about it and would sometimes be so hurt I would cry. He would blame me saying I made him not want to have sex by making a big deal out of him not finishing. He hadn’t seriously dated many women prior to me (despite us being in our late 20’s) so I chocked it up to him needing to gain experience/confidence (this was a red flag I missed). After dating for some time, I brought up marriage. He knew I wanted to remarry someday and have a family. Well, suddenly we were no longer on the same page. He didn’t want to marry “anyone” anymore (apparently not just me) so I broke it off. He came back crying less than a week later. We married later that year. Yes, a mistake, I know. Fast forward to early-marriage: sex was infrequent but that was partially due to deployments and TDYs. However, he has always been and still is VERY emotionally distant. I feel like he hasn’t ever really let me in. Our relationship is very surface. We ended up having a daughter and I had a very traumatic birth. That’s when the sex stopped fully. In the last 7 years, we have had sex maybe 6 times. For a year or so after our daughter was born, I would initiate and get turned down. It really damaged my self-esteem and I eventually stopped trying. I was half shattered and half curious to see if he would ever initiate. Nope. Never. He claimed he was terrified to have another child and said that’s why he didn’t want to have sex. He said having a vasectomy would help our sex life, so against my better judgment, I agreed. Well, joke is on me because we have had sex 3 times since his vasectomy 3 years ago. It didn’t change a thing. Zero intimacy of any kind. We tried marriage counseling. It made things worse. For years he’s been depressed (diagnosed but won’t take meds) and has chronic headaches. He’s edgy and irritable. He doesn’t have any friends he hangs out with but speaks very highly and often about a colleague who is gay. I have never had access to his phone. I walk by naked and he doesn’t even look. He doesn’t get in the shower with me. He doesn’t compliment me. I get the routine hug and peck before work and that’s it. I was at a wedding recently (solo) and opened up to my good friend about what’s been going on. Later, her boyfriend pulled me aside and said, “I just want you to know you are a stunning woman inside and out. Truly, I don’t think you know how much you turn heads.” It hit hard. I’m nearly 40. I’m a hard-working professional. I don’t look my age. I’m attractive— petite, fit, and pretty (feels weird typing that). I take care of myself. I’ve been shattered for years going through the motions of an empty marriage. I feel rejected. The other night my husband made a comment and I jokingly made a comment back along the lines of “I’m open for business” as I was changing out of my clothes for bed. The look on his face was pure disgust and that’s when it hit me. Anything connected to intimacy with me has been met with that same disgust for nearly 10 years. There are so many other red flags but I’m pretty sure no one will read this far. I don’t know how to open the conversation with my husband, but it has to happen. Do I just flat out ask him? If you’ve read this far, thank you. It helps getting it out there.