u/burningpile42

I don’t even know where to begin. The more I think about it, the bigger the possibility I’m not really trans seems. The thought of detransitioning is horrifying, though. I’m dreading the idea that I didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did and everything I ever fought for was for nothing. I was so sure. I thought I was happy. A younger trans man who couldn’t transition told me I was an inspiration.

But all the things that I thought made me trans aren’t inherent to transness. There are plenty of cis butch lesbians who get top surgery or use pronouns other than she/her. I think about the times I’ve seen feminine clothing and felt an ache inside of me. I think about the times I felt like I resonate closer with transfems than transmascs, or how I always hated using terms like transmasc for myself.

The thought of being a girl again is so scary. I mean, I have no idea how to be a woman, I haven’t been a girl since I was 13. And there’s a voice in my head saying no, no, it’s wrong, bad, I can’t be…but it isn’t all that different from when I thought I didn’t like women. Because being attracted to women was “wrong” and “bad” for me. But I also know that I’m not a man. I’m just not a man, not in the way cis men are men, not in the way trans men are men.

That’s probably why I experimented with so many non binary labels. But I don’t know if any of them ever felt right. I kept bouncing back and forth, never satisfied.

I don’t want to be a woman. Flat out. It sounds scary, I’m afraid I’ll seem like a disappointment or like I was “brainwashed”, I’m afraid of how my friends will react, my family, GOD my family…But I’ve never had a label feel right to me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not really cis or trans or anything. I wish gender didn’t exist so I didn’t have to think about this kind of stuff. At the very least I wish there was some kind of basic, easy test that can tell you what gender you are in 5 minutes.

I’ve always had a weird relationship with gender. When I was little, I was naturally feminine, but a lot of my family kind of pressured me to be non conforming. Maybe they thought it made them such good feminists to encourage me to play with bugs and fix things and be more into science than makeup.

My grandma was the only one who really fully embraced my femininity, but that sort of manifested into her calling me a perfect beautiful princess who was gonna give her a bunch of great grandbabies someday.

I had a phase where I pretended to hate stereotypically feminine things because I needed to be smart, I needed to be different.

When I was 13, I “realized” I was actually a trans man, and that’s why I was so uncomfortable with femininity. When the next school year started I already picked a name and came out to all my friends who accepted me immediately.

Over time, though, it started to feel wrong again. The initial thrill I got from dressing masc and being called a “he” faded, and it started to feel like I was just living a lie.

I was never fully comfortable being a girl, but being a guy didn’t feel right either. So then, for all my teens, I was bouncing between non binary labels. I was still fairly sure I was some kind of transmasculine, even though I didn’t even like the term transmasc for myself. I was literally transitioning to be masc though, right?

I recently realized I’m a lesbian. It was kind of hard to accept because I made being a “boykisser” such a big part of my personality. But ever since I realized that, it gave me a whole new perspective on my gender. I’ve just been telling people I’m non binary and don’t care about pronouns, but inside I’m all over the place.

I’ve been on t for about a year and a half, but all the changes have been fairly slow. I could still totally pass for a cis girl with no issue. But I’m dead afraid of going off t or detransitioning fully. I think I’d still want top surgery or maybe a breast reduction. I’m not too sure I’d like facial hair (which luckily hasn’t really grown in besides the mustache I kind of already had…Mexican genes lol) or a masculine body shape.

I am attracted to some soft feminine aesthetics, like, I YEARN to be able to wear cute sundresses sometimes, but I still like dressing masculine too. I think I’m kind of fluid in presentation and some kind of soft butch or futch. I’m not sure if I’d say I’m a cis woman though. And I can’t tell if the “wrongness” I feel is internalized issues (I had a LOT of internalized misogyny/lesbiphobia to get over already) or if I’m genuinely not a girl.

I’m also afraid this “decision” has a time limit because I’m on t. If I keep taking it, changes will keep progressing. But if I stop and realize that I actually still AM trans, then I’d have to start all over.

TLDR: I thought I was FTM for a long time then realized I was a lesbian with a lot of internalized misogyny. I’m still GNC and uncomfortable with the idea of identifying as a cis girl, but I’m unsure if this means I’m non binary or just have more issues to work through.