u/burningskin3

i don't know why is that but i'm not gonna try to take away my responsibility in all of this; for some reason, i think about smut stuff all the time, it has been like this for a long time

just so you can have an idea, reasons for me wanting to transition consists of components such as

1. i'm an evil male incel so i gotta repent

2. i gotta stop my gross male thoughts

3. doing anything as a man is disgusting

4. being AGAMP, finding the idea of being a trans woman arousing

but oh well, all of these backfired at me completely, because i realized that i'm probably just a man who thought he could be saved, but it doesn't work like that, trans people are born trans, i lf i was truly trans i would have felt dysphoria and then transitioned

and since i have all of this AMAB guilt, i have an intense want of being a woman, it's not like i was always a woman trapped in the wrong circumstances

so after years of AGP porn and hentai(yeah, it's that bad, also i'm not gonna explain exactly what these are you can imagine) and ideations of escaping from the rape gender, i am here now

there's no world in which a woman thinks like me, my sexuality is evil and i probably deserve all of my suffering for being like that

and all of my suffering is cause i fail at being a woman, i'm still a gross man, specially in mind, it's not like i'm sad because i'm not a woman, more like i'm sad because i can't be a hot woman

one last thing, i don't really watch that much porn or masturbate a lot anymore, but my thoughts and needs only consist of gross AGP desires.

is this just the universe telling me i'm AGP or something

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i say that because in anywhere else it feels like nobody really knows anything about trans people. i only realized i was trans a bit recently and i couldn't see myself anywhere else, i have little socialization and ofc i wouldn't look for cissies opinions to determine my own, but no matter how far i searched or how much i tried to understand myself, i couldn't, my confusion only became worse and i feared for myself cause of the possibility i was making a mistake

at first i only really understood gender envy and then i discovered about HRT on a deep level, i couldn't access my own dysphoria clearly and i worried about not being trans enough, etc, but after i lurked here, i seen so many people going through similar shit, people being real about it, i noticed things about myself i never could while alone, seeing honest experiences and opinions about actual trans people from different perspectives was vital, it's also kinda crazy how many i could relate and feel like i'm not a monster freak just for being like this, before i never understood why i felt like that

i noticed how i repped so much without even knowing what it is, i noticed how i was always curious and uncertain but i didn't have the knowledge or could understand it well enough to materialize it, i noticed why and how this happens, i felt valid

and then now, i am sure i understand myself better, i'm more confident on my decision, and i feel like i'm not alone, i hope every trans people gets the knowledge they need to, to at least cope with it all.

reading this hurts so so so so so so so so so much

it's by Shuzo Oshimi aka the greatest repper of all time