u/burnt_feather

I think I'm having a spiral day, and I could use an outside perspective for some clarity.

I'm not going into specific details on my situation, but I'll try to keep the main points.

Someone close to me underwent major surgery and has been put on medication that affects hormones. Switching medications is not an option at this time, nor is not taking them. They will likely be on this medication for life due to health reasons.

After the surgery and medication, like weeks after, we had a falling out, ut we still have to interact because work. But they seem like a completely different person to me. Different values, different outlook, different priorities. I don't know where these changes came from, if it was due to our falling out or medication or surgery or all of it or something different.

We both haven't been treating each other the way we want to be treated. I've taken a step back and just watched so I could see without my codependency goggles on. And I don't like what I'm seeing now. This person is not who I believed they were, in fact is the opposite in many ways. These massive changes happened over a matter of months. I don't know what's real regarding this person, what's changed, what I maybe saw in fantasy and ignored reality in, etc.

This person has wounded me emotionally, financially, and refuses to take accountability or responsibility for their choices and behavior. This did not used to be the case. I really admired this person before, and my heart breaks to see who they have become.

I don't like the notion of leaving someone in need, especially since I know they would stay by my side under normal circumstances if our roles were flipped. We had promised a long time ago to support each other no matter what. But when this person has hurt me so much and refuses to acknowledge it or change, I logically know it's time to cut ties but struggle to let go of who they used to be. I fear the person I used to care about is just lost and struggling, not gone or fake. But I know I can't change, control, fix, or "help" this person. It's not healthy for me and they would likely resent me for trying. They also resent me for not trying, so I really can't win either way.

I'm not necessarily looking for advice on what I should do, because ultimately I need to make that decision for myself. I really just need some help seeing the situation for what it really is. I'm lost and grieving and trying to recover from my codependency on them. I don't know if there's a light at the end of this tunnel or not. I don't know if this person is who they are now, or if it's temporary. I don't know if what we shared was real. It felt real, but I've been told that it wasn't by this person who I shared it with. I've been told by this person that they were dishonest with me about who they were, and shortly after they began acting totally different from how they had been before.

I'm rambling now some. I'm just so lost. I'm happy to give more details in a PM if anyone wants to chat more.

Today one year ago, my reality shattered. My spouse, who I had made the center of my codependent world, told me that they weren't who I thought they were. In a matter of days, the person I'd built my life around and bore children with became a stranger. I clung hard to my fantasy, trying to convince them they were wrong about their view of themselves. I was convinced I was fighting to save the person I loved, and in a way I was. I was fighting to preserve them as they'd been, completely rejecting the person they wanted to become. I was completely unaware of my codependency and myself in general.

Over the past year, as lot has changed. I'm becoming aware of myself. I can finally hear my inner voice some, not just the inner critic that sounded like my parents or my spouse. I can identify my feelings, protect myself from my shame. I live with my kids and am building a new life. I have goals and dreams, and I'm actually working toward them now. I'm still learning, but it's leagues ahead of where I used to be.

Happy anniversary, me. Here's to another year of growth.

I also want to note, I did apologize to my partner and have been respecting their life changes.