I need advice
I’ve been in love with my best friend for a really long time and we kiss sometimes but she always makes it clear that she’s uncertain of her feelings towards me. She says she kisses me because she loves me but maybe not in that way. She says afterwards something about it just doesn’t seem right. But she continues to do it and is the one who initiates mainly because I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.
Anyways there’s this guy (her guy best friend) that she’s liked for years on and off even before we met each other and a few months ago she told me that she was sure she didn’t like him anymore but then about a week or two ago she told me that she had spent time with him and realized that she did have feelings for him, feelings that she was unsure of with me she was sure of with him. I’ve spent around two years being jealous of this guy because she is my whole world and the most amazing person I’ve ever met. This guy has never truly reciprocated to her until the past week and it’s killing me seeing them holding hands and such in front of me when it was just a bit ago that we were kissing. It felt like there wasn’t real closure there and like it snuck up on me and before all of this she would even tell me that she did feel something romantic for me and I guess I just got my hopes up. When I look at her I see who I want my future wife to be but I also see my best friend. And it hurts that it’s so hard to be around them I feel such guilt for that because being her best friend should be enough and I should be happy for her.
Basically I need advice on how to feel better around them and better about our relationship changing even though it feels like this change means little to nothing to her. And I really don’t want to hear sorry but you need to stop being friends with her because that’s just not an option for me. I want her in my life forever whether that’s romantically or platonically and I’m willing to endure the pain that that takes. But right now it is debilitating and I’ve told her and she doesn’t understand she thinks that I’m wallowing in it but it feels like I can’t get out of the deep grief no matter what I do. And she says she’s experienced similar unrequited feelings with the guy in the past and for her it wasn’t as bad but they never kissed or were close in that way I don’t know. I skip out on events that they will both be at and when I don’t my heart and chest genuinely hurt the entire night. Actually my heart hurts always right now like a physical pain. I’m worried that I’m not being a good friend to her. I just have no one in my life that I can talk to about this because we were always a secret and I need advice on how to get over her so that I can feel better and work towards being a better best friend.
TLDR: I’m in love with my best friend and now she’s with a guy I need advice to get over it and recover