29F, My marriage is in shambles and I just need to vent something out. NSFW!!
Created a throwaway account just for this. I am not asking for advice or suggestions . Please note I am already taking therapy and working on myself but currently feeling overwhelmed and I just need to vent it out.
This will be long post.
I got married 2 years back to a guy I met on a dating app after dating for around 2 years.
I just feel like I ignored a lot of red flags this guy had and just focused on the few good things, latched onto it and manifested or kinda forced getting married and now I completely regret it.
Funny and ironically he is almost completely opposite to the kind of guy I had imagined to end up with.
Almost all of the years we’ve been together I have planned everything- birthdays, outings, giving gifts, even while we were dating I used to plan when to meet, where etc etc. He was doing his residency (PG in medicine) and was extremely busy and had a hectic schedule so I would travel almost 50kms once in a week/ two weeks to meet him at his place.
Initial 6 months he would take efforts like call or cute messages, compliments but then slowly everything became low to almost no efforts.
Even now 80-90% of the efforts in the relationship is taken by me. He might just tag along or complaint to try anything new that I want to do.
I don’t know how I ended up with a nonchalant guy when I am a complete opposite.
Even at home, I cook and do the household chores, I don’t expect him to do anything because he never voluntarily asks for helps. He will do it if i ask him to that too I have to wait till he feels like helping. So I just do it myself.
To be fair, post the initial bliss of 6-7 months he did say his priority was taking care of his mother (she was a dying cancer patient), finishing his PG and focusing on his spiritual path(meditation and attaining liberation) and wanted a partner who would support in all these things.
I really thought I was okay with that because I felt— Oh, at least he’s not materialistic and he’s funny he’s smart and he isn’t like other guys. I thought I can adjust and make it work.
No PDA initiated by him I am not asking to making out in public but he doesn’t even hold hands, he acts weird in front of his close friends and family like I am his friend not wife.
No compliments for me but just negative comments and criticism on how I look or on my cooking or on any hobby or work I take up.
He will check out other women in front of me and expect I should be ok calling it’s just hormones and It means nothing..
I am not saying I don’t check out other men but I always compliment my husband and make him feel nice about the way he looks, especially if he says something bad about himself.
Also TMI, but he would rather jerk off than have sex with me. He almost never initiates sex and it’s me who always has to and even then he wants to do it only once a week or once in 2 weeks. Probably I am a horny person and I need to have atleast every other day but I’ve accepted that and go according to his needs. We do it as per his schedule of horniness which is always just mornings and never in any other time of the day. I have accepted that also even though I would want to have it at night.
The worse part is he denies me sex at night saying no libido and would masturbate saying it helps him fall asleep.
We have discussed and fought on all of these things many times and he feels like I have too much expectations from him and he was always like this.m and I am wanting something new. The fights have made us just drift apart and we basically are like roommates who don’t like each other.
Also, a lot happened within a year of getting married which definitely impacted us both. His mother who was battling cancer for many years died within 6 months and his father was also diagnosed with cancer. As he was studying for his final exams I had to take care of them. For a newly married DIL, I have gone above and beyond even for them. I was taking care of them and my work and my husband who fell sick multiple times during this time.
I feel like he will benefit from therapy but he is not ready for it.
I have asked for couples counselling from him but he says I need to work on myself and fix myself first.
One more thing, he used to talk about one particular ex a lot and I stalked her, found more info on her, her husband etc. She doesn’t have a personal Instagram account but since a couple of years she has created a page for her website/company who work on making short movies on history/wildlife etc. I found out my husband started following that page on Instagram recently. He even follows her husband but he doesn’t follow back. lol!
He says he doesn’t use insta much, he doesn’t use the app and his posts are all his old photographs he had posted. Mind you he has never posted about me or marriage pics anything because he never uses insta or posts personal pics.
I lost respect for him because what happened to all the nonchalance there? Oh I don’t care about all of these things. Why did he recently start following her?
It worries me because he has talked a lot about her and she was his “first love”
I might be overthinking and feeding my imagination but it’s not okay.
I know the easiest route is just to get separated but I had to fight with my parents to get married to him and they’ve spent almost Rs 25L on the wedding. I don’t know how they’ll react. I feel so lonely and sometimes I feel like we can make it work but he isn’t ready to put in the efforts and I alone cannot make it work for a long time. The same unresolved issues are going to come up and bother me and loop of fights will continue.
EDIT post reading your comments-
Thanks to everyone sharing their stories, I feel many of us have gone through something similar and sending well wishes and love to you as well!
Thanks for commenting and helping me see things more clearly with words of wisdom. Currently I am taking one day at a time and prioritising myself. I will take a decision once I feel more confident in myself and gather more courage facing parents and society.
I am working and financially independent. Most of the household expenses are looked after by me. And somebody asked about alimony, I would be happy to get out this mess with my mental sanity intact. I don’t need a single rupee from him.
We don’t have kids, no plan to have kids.
Also as I guessed, many horny men in my DMs offering me “help”- I am not even opening and reading them. Please try your luck elsewhere. Last thing I need right now is more drama and trauma from another man.