u/c0sm1c_c0nfUs1on

hello gang :) been a while since i've been on here.

i've been working on the weber concertino for a little while now, but i haven't made it very far.

i think the reason i haven't done much is because of how big of a task it felt like.

so, i want to start practice on a schedule/have some sort of structure to the way i practice.

i'm not sure if any people on here have played the weber (though i think it's relatively popular in clarinet rep), but i would like some advice on how to tackle it.

i struggle with motivation and time management, but now i'm getting ready for college and i want to have this prepared for my audition (in, like... february lol)

any tips on where to start and how to move through it without feeling stuck?

TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENT OUTBURSTS, MENTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

i'm 17 years old. i have not been diagnosed with bpd, but my psychiatrist, therapist and myself suspect it. my reaction to what i'm about to talk about makes me think it's very, VERY possible.

i have an ex-boyfriend who was extremely shitty to me in the ending parts of our relationship. he refused to take accountability, was a coward, communicated poorly, and eventually ended up breaking up with me through my best friend at the time.

after that, we talked a lot. he constantly said he still loved me, that he wanted to try again, that he needed time. yesterday, he told me that he's dating the girl he always said not to worry about.

i did not react well.

i felt extreme self-loathing. i felt violent. i wrote out a vent in my notes, and it kept switching from "i want to die" and "i want to kill them". it was descriptive, and extremely worrying now that i look back on it.

i have to see him today for a marching band thing.

i did not act on any of these thoughts. everyone mentioned, including myself, is unharmed.

i'm scared that it won't be like that when i see him today. i'm scared that i'm going to harm myself or him. i don't think i will. i don't have the ability to. but part of me worries that when i get older or when circumstances are different, that i AM going to end up hurting someone.