u/cabbagepickle

It’s a healthy plant.

We are both atheist, liberal, academic, maybe on children, attracted to each other, and we share great conversations about anything. We built a great friendship and went on many trips together. So many memories, so much to built on. Isn’t that compatibility ?

Yet you chose to walk away. How can you love someone and then decide to not love them one day ? Does that make you feel good, in control, powerful ? Does that give you a feeling of freedom from accountability ?

I am tired.

Something in me got cold when it ended.

People on dating apps are hopeless.

I am just not interested.

My mind keeps going back to the beginning, the good times.

When did it go wrong?

I could’ve let myself cried more often and more freely. That’s gonna be what I am going to do now.

We made so many memories together. I was my happiest in years. I will never forget them.

Breakups hurt not only because the person we love left us, but also because of the fragments it created in our life and memory storage. Like, we have to find a new person, start over, and make new memories, while in fact, we just want a constant, a person we can call home.

And then, the fragments caused by the good moments, the conflicts, the breakup. How is it that the controlling and narcissistic tendencies were so airtight-concealed? How is it that “I love you more”, “I want to be the constant in your life”, “We can start our life together” became the silence, the discard, the shutdown, and the stonewalling in a matter of days from the same person? Make it make sense.

I just wish that this had never happened. The life I am living now was not my choice. I had a vision and I wanted that with him. I felt as if my future was taken away from me. I know it sounds wistful because the future is always…in the future, but I felt this close to start building it. When I lost him, it ripped my heart out.

The only way to feel a bit of relief is telling myself that it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault to “attract” this man. It’s not my fault to love him and accept him with all my heart and to ask for the same from him. It’s not my fault that I put faith into him and trusted him even though he did not deserve it. It’s not my fault to want love and fight for it. It’s not my fault that I got hurt. It’s not my fault.