u/cancerian_cleopatra

This is going to be long, but I genuinely need advice from women who may have gone through something similar.

I was in a relationship during my first year of college. It was my first relationship, and at that time I genuinely believed his behaviour was normal because I had nothing else to compare it to.

From the beginning, he was extremely possessive and controlling. Without my knowledge, he somehow had access to my WhatsApp, Instagram, Snapchat, call logs, everything. He would constantly monitor who I talked to and where I was. Even after I found out how he tracked me, he would emotionally manipulate me into not removing those accesses.

Slowly, he isolated me from everyone. He did not want me talking to boys from my class even for academic reasons. He even had problems with me speaking to male relatives. Over time, I stopped talking to friends and became completely dependent on him emotionally.

A few months into the relationship, I found out he had been cheating on me with multiple girls from the very beginning, emotionally and physically. Every time I tried to leave, he would cry, apologise, promise to change, and somehow convince me to stay.

He also forced me into situations I was uncomfortable with physically. I never had physical relations with him despite the pressure, threats, and violence. There were times I would intentionally take random medicines just so I might get sick and I would not have to go out with him.

Things became worse after he went for an internship. By then I was mentally exhausted. I realized I had no friends, no college life, and had spent over a year living in fear and isolation because of him. So I slowly started reconnecting with people from college.

I became friends with one guy from my class because I needed someone to talk to. We clicked pictures together during a freshers party for juniors. That was literally it.

When my boyfriend came back from his internship, he forcefully took my phone, checked everything, saw those pictures, and also found out that my girlfriends and I had once had alcohol inside our hostel room.

The next day he slapped and beat me publicly in the college ground. The worst part was that nobody helped me.

A few days later, I went home without informing him and finally told my mother everything. My family helped me leave the relationship.

His last calls and texts back then were full of abuse and threats. He claimed he had political connections and said that once he cleared his government exams, he would come back and “slap me once for sure.”

It has now been 3 years. He has cracked no exam, rather is working in some company in a tier 3 city.

But he still keeps calling me from different numbers. I had blocked him everywhere, but every few months he somehow contacts me again. The first few times, I answered because he would keep calling repeatedly and I got anxious. He acted “nice” and apologetic, but it brought back severe anxiety attacks for me.

Two days ago, he called again from his original number because I recently changed phones and I think his contact got unblocked accidentally. He texted saying the call was “by mistake” because he was checking whose number it was after changing phones too.

After sending that text, he called me 11 times continuously until I blocked him again.

I know this may sound stupid, but after all these years, I am still scared of him and get panic attacks. Every call brings everything back.

How do I stop feeling this fear? Should I consider therapy And should I take some legal step even though it has been years? Also now I am in a stable relationship so I don't want to rock up that boat from the past.

I would really appreciate advice from women who have dealt with abusive and controlling exes.

My cousin brother recently got engaged after finally getting a government job. Apparently it’s a love marriage, same caste and everything, and everyone seemed happy.

Today my mother was showing me pictures from the engagement and asked me how the girl looked. I honestly said she looked nice. She was smiling naturally in the picture and looked happy.

Then my mother suddenly started saying things like:

• “From which angle is she looking nice?”
• “She looks dehati.”
• “Nobody else in our family looks this bad.”
• “He ruined our upcoming generations.”

I was shocked and asked what she meant. She literally meant their future children would “look bad” because according to her the girl is unattractive. I mean it is not like my brother is Prince Harry but whatever.

I told her:

• it’s a love marriage,
• he obviously knows what she looks like,
• beauty is subjective,
• and personality/compatibility matter more in a marriage.

But she got irritated and said I “don’t have brains” and only think emotionally.

What disturbed me most is hearing another woman talk about another woman like this. Especially reducing someone’s entire worth to appearance and “future genes.”

Is this internalized misogyny? Colorism? Classism? Or just how older generations think about marriage?

I genuinely can’t stop thinking about it because the whole conversation felt so cruel and dehumanizing to me.