u/candyspiller

I'm actually not sure about what I'm looking for here, I feel emotionally exhausted and I don’t trust my own judgment anymore, I'm really struggling to regulate myself at the moment.

For context, my girlfriend and I have been together for around half a year, long distance. We care about each other a lot, and outside of conflict she can be very loving and affectionate. She tells me I’m important to her and that I’m a good partner. Good days are really good but bad days feel like the end of the world.

Sometimes she disappears or becomes distant for hours. I usually try to be supportive and understanding because I know she struggles with pain, stress, or she might just be having a hard time. I still try to show affection and show up, saying “I love you” or checking in. Most of the times I get it wrong, I did something that made her upset while she wasn't around or I didn't check on her enough or sooner. Either way I try, I do, but as of late I just enter "waiting mode" until she appears again, so I'm sure I don't do anything that makes things worse.

I really try to be understanding but it hurts me that when she comes back she often doesn’t acknowledge anything I said while she was gone, including affection. She won’t say “I love you” back or respond to things I shared. It makes me feel very rejected and unimportant, specially because I know that many times while she is not responding to me she is on her phone. Recently I tried to express that this affected me. I specifically said I understood why she was distant and that I wasn’t blaming her or demanding anything. I actually didn’t want to bring it up at all, but she asked what was wrong, so I answered honestly.

Needless to say the conversation escalated very quickly. Instead of talking about the feeling itself, about me understanding but feeling sad regardless because she didn't say "I love you" back in more than three occasions the argument turned into things like:

- me being told I always victimise myself

- comparisons between our pain

- her saying how much she had to put up with me

- me not being needed at all

Got insulted, break up talk appeared, "find someone better"...

I try very hard to de-escalate and keep things calm. I don’t insult her, I don’t threaten the relationship, and I usually apologise quickly because I genuinely don’t want to hurt her. But somehow conflicts keep ending with me feeling like I’m the problem entirely. I don't get closure, it's always just me bending. I also know I’m not perfectly calm either, I get anxious and try harder to fix things, which sometimes keeps the argument going instead of letting it settle. And I hate to admit it but I'm becoming frustrated.

I'm afraid to express feelings at all. The minute I opened my mouth I knew we were gonna have a fight. I’ve started believing that my emotional needs are selfish or proof that I lack empathy, even though I spend a lot of energy trying to understand her perspective.

I know she's hurting, I've seen it, I know it, but I feel like disagreements always become about my faults, and I rarely receive acknowledgment or apologies for things that hurt me.

I love her, and I know deep down that she loves me too, but I'm having a very hard time not losing my mind right now because this argument has caused her to ghost me for two days, it's the first time that this has happened and I don't know how to deal with it.

This is my third post after the argument (I deleted the other two out of guilt). I occupied myself reading every post I could find to find some clarity and some peace. If you've read this far I appreciate you, thank you for your time and patience. I apologise if it doesn't make much sense I tried to gather my thoughts the best I could.