Beating myself up
I’m not really sure what the purpose of this post is. My husband and I (both 30) are now into the sixth cycle TTC. I understand this is early in the grand scheme of things. However, two years ago we conceived unexpectedly, which ended in a termination. My father was extremely unwell at the time and my mental health was in a terrible place, but it was an extremely hard decision for us as we both knew we wanted children, and not in the too distant future. Ultimately I think it is now something we regret. Given this history, we thought we would have no trouble conceiving naturally. We did a lot of prep too, I lost two stone with a GLP-1 and my partner gave up drinking for three months. We’ve both been taking Proceive supplements and eating a healthy diet, limiting red meat and processed food etc. I’m controlling everything I can but I am extremely stressed. My work is very full-on with several crises happening at once. My dad also died last year so I’m very much still in the pits of grief, and realistically am very depressed. The stress of failing at this every month is adding to the pile.
I can’t help but feel like having an abortion has caused some kind of issue with me (I’ve also been experiencing shorter than ideal luteal phases of 9-11 days since I started tracking) or that it’s some kind of twisted fate punishing me for what I did. This cycle I’ve given up alcohol (so has my partner) and caffeine, been drinking pomegranate juice and wearing fluffy socks, using conception lube and I’ve bought a fertility cup. I also picked up Mucinex when I was in the states last month although that obviously didn’t help with the cycle just gone. I am doing everything I can to not feel stressed. When I’m at home with my partner and dog on the weekend, I actually feel relaxed, it’s my safe space. But then the week starts up and it all goes to shit again. I feel so alone in this and can’t talk about it with my friends. All of them who have kids or are pregnant had success on the first try or got there within five months. There is one person I know struggling with infertility but that’s on the other extreme - two years of trying, ridiculous waiting lists and a serious diagnosis meaning IVF is the only option. I don’t know what more I can do and I don’t know how I can carry on like this for another six months before getting things checked out. Sending solidarity to everyone else out there.