u/capcatmoon

I feel like my situation is erased. I don't know where to share my struggle. I am an autistic Mexican American trans man. I have been no contact with my mom's side of the family for 8 years. I was raised in relglious cult in Idaho. I left for Colorado after uni. I became fully independent. I was going to grad school. Working 3 jobs. Then my chronic illness came and completely took away my independence. I was officially diagnosed with POTS in 2024, but I'm certain I also have MCAS and EDS. What a nightmare the medical system is as a fat brown trans man. I had no family support, and I was running out of money because I couldn't keep my three jobs. All my money went to necessities: laundry service, food delivery, and things to manage POTS. I had no one to care for me. My money was running out fast. I was about to be homeless, couldn't afford rent anymore, and disability in Colorado takes years to get. I had no resources. No family. No help. I felt like I was in life and death situation.

So I took a leap of faith, I've used the last bit of my savings and went to Germany, I was drawn by the larger leftist LGBTQ+ community there. And things actually got better there. I found safe and unpaid housing. However I never successfully achieved a visa. Trans Americans aren't refugees. All the legal aid didn't apply to me. I fell into the cracks of the legal system and became undocumented in Germany for two years. During this time, I had no health services. I was existing in the grey. I decided to leave because I needed to head to Mexico and tried to get my citizenship through my parents and come back to Germany with a Mexican passport. I want to live in Germany without the fear of deportation. Germany is becoming fascist too but right now it's where my wife is and my community.

I want someone to know about my life. After living in two different countries trying to find solace, safety, and community hasn't been easy. Germany had its challenges. Visas and borders got in the way.

My time in México hasn't been ideal. My trans identity has been erased. My name has been swept over by my dead name. My Dad's family still feels like strangers to me. My disability is being ignored.

That's the scariest one.

My disability is the reason why I can't return to the US.

I would die if I went back to the US. I can't live on my own anymore. I need caretaking. I can't afford housing in my situation.

The fear of being unhoused with my disability. The fear of being on the streets with MCAS/POTS. My body wouldn't handle it.

The fear of being a victim of a hate crime again.

The fear of ICE and how they would treat me with my disability if I were to get detained.

The fear of dying in the medical system because I am a fat trans person of color.

The US is actively passing anti trans laws. Idaho, the state I was born in. bans trans people from public bathrooms. My right to exist is being criminalized. They are cutting off Medicaid and SNAP.

As a disabled person with no family support or income. Losing public assistance is a death sentence.

How can I return if this is my reality?

Yes, I am safer in México but another set of challenges comes.

My disability is the reason I can't get close to my family here in México.

My disability has placed me in fear of being undocumented twice in the countries where I lived.

The financial barrier of trying to achieve my Mexican citizenship.

I am scared I'll be undocumented soon. My visa expires end of August. I can't afford a lawye to fix it. I can't travel anywhere.

I been living in poverty. I sleep on a concrete floor. No running water. No easy access to a toilet. Its umhumanrity how my conditions are.

Conditions that are making my disability worse.

I can't manage my symptoms.

I can't work in any way.

I can't make any money so my situation worsens.

I feel like I'm on the verge of being stateless. I already don't have access to medical care as a chronically ill person.

My fear just turns into apathy.

I need financial support to survive. I don't open up about my struggles, but as a queer disabled trans person. I need to. I need to voice my pain and my fear to stay alive. My life is always a fight. Now I'm very scary place where I'm stuck between borders I'm scared what my future will be like if I don't get the security of my Mexican passport.

Being an American abroad brings uncertainty, as each day we fall deeper into fascism. My fear of being stateless is becoming more and more real. My existence is political. I'm dying in an ableist system. I hope things will get better. I just needed to voice my struggles. I don't know if this mutual aid request but if you want help please reach out to me. I'll send my info. I guess I just needed to vent.