I Need Space
I know that often a pwBPD's actions are driven by their fear of abandonment, which has informed my compassion towards my partner. It's influenced how I talk to them, and made me more forgiving, and more considerate about my presence. Amidst conflict, I ensure they know I love and am committed to them.
However, I've reached a breaking point. While I'm not innocent in our conflict, much of it is one-sided, and typically is instigated by them through a misperceived slight. Last night was one of those instances: one where I didn't engage, attempted to de-escalate, yet still endured abusive behavior.
Today, I haven't acknowledged them, and have stayed out of the home. Previously, I would try to make eye contact or speak cordially, which was often met with the silent treatment or combativeness. I'd resign and anxiously wait for everything to soothe over.
Now, I'm not waiting for them to contact me, and I'm not informing them of my location or schedule. There is a part of me that worries this will trigger them, but a larger part of me is choosing to engage in self-care: creating space is not unreasonable in relationships, and I'm tired of withholding my own joy and peace at the expense of my partner's inability to do the work.
My partner's attempt to remedy conflict has typically resulted in them taking little to zero accountability, and carrying on about why we're incompatible, why I'm a bad partner, etc. and slowly reaching a sense of "normalcy." But, enduring the devaluation is no longer worth that normalcy; I'm tired of dismissing and catering to the core part of my conflict. Through the years of support and compassion towards them, I have neglected my own well-being. It's time to engage in true self-care.