u/carnio1469

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I’m not spiraling, but I recently came across a TikTok video about avoidant attachment styles and the most hurtful things they say in relationships. Looking through the comments, I realized he has said almost all of them. He might word things slightly differently, but the core messages are the same (honestly, it feels like there’s a secret avoidant manual out there). The phrases that stuck out to me the most were things like, "You deserve better," and "Find someone else who can give you what you need." He used to tell me to find someone else to "date and yearn for," and I’m certain he’ll say it again if I bring up relationships.

The crazy part is how contradictory his actions are. When he thought I was dating a girl named Maya, he would give her death glares and completely stopped talking to her, even though they were cordial before. If I seem too comfortable around anyone else, he gets visibly annoyed. Even when two of his close friends showed interest in me, he openly mentioned how much he despised them for it and hated how comfortable I allowed them to be around me.

Before he got with his girlfriend, Chloe (whom he no longer likes), I used to joke around and tell him to find a girlfriend. When he actually did, it turned into a massive mess between us. Yet, he still tells me to find a partner, while simultaneously admitting that he feels a sense of "ownership" over me. If he sees me spending the whole day around someone he thinks I like, it becomes a huge problem because he gets visibly hurt and annoyed. He tells me to be selfish and not worry about his thoughts, but my actions clearly bother him deeply.

The Mixed Signals & Effort:

Despite all this, his friends tell me he treats me completely differently than his exes or his current girlfriend. He values my opinion on an incredibly deep level. When he rejected me, he literally told me he was doing it to "protect me from him." Yet, he always shows up, stays consistent, and tries his absolute best to never make me upset. If I do get mad at him, he will ask why; if I don't tell him, he gets withdrawn for the rest of the day until we finally talk and solve it. My best friend even swears he blushes around me.

He acts completely obsessed. I wonder if he tells me to date other people just because he knows I won't. A month ago, he told me he expected me to be dating by now and noticed I seemed hesitant because no one interests me. He definitely has this detached, "lone-wolf" persona where he dissociates from people, talks about not letting humans get too close, and claims only one person from his past has ever known him up to 90% (and that took years).

But with me, he has admitted I’m the only one he has ever gone this far with. He pushes me away when I get too close, but at the same time, he doesn't have a hard time being vulnerable with me the way a typical avoidant would. He actively avoids saying things that would hurt me because he knows I’ll withdraw, which makes him feel like a jackass and causes him to shut down.

Our Dynamic:

If the question is whether he wants me, I think he does. He doesn’t have an issue with liking me; he just chooses not to fully act on it. He listens to absolutely everything I say—if I tell him to do or not do something, he follows through. He lets me get away with things he would never tolerate from anyone else.

He is completely in sync with my moods. He always knows when something is off, checks on me, and genuinely tries to comfort me even though he’s usually bad at it. He actively works on parts of himself that he knows will upset me because he genuinely hates and fears me being mad at him. Whenever we get into an argument or I try to cut him off, he gets so hurt and annoyed that he asks, "Why do I even try?" But even when things get bad, he never stops trying until things are good again.

I know if he ever saw me kiss someone else, he would spiral badly. Our eye contact is captivating; even if we are talking to other people across the room, we will just lock eyes for as long as it lasts. The tension is unreal. He usually hates people being overly touchy, but he never stops me—in fact, he encourages it. We are both incredibly possessive and obsessed with who gets each other's attention.

The Push-and-Pull Cycle:

Honestly, I know I can be bad for him too. I send him through hell with my attitude and I can piss him off easily, but no matter how much he complains, he never actually leaves or stops making me a priority. He might do things to "punish" me or try to change my behavior, but he stays. We text every single day. If we don’t, he assumes there’s a problem. When I try to give him space thinking he needs it, he gets upset, hurt, and wants me to miss him. He constantly tries to morph into what he thinks I want, even when he doesn't know what that is.

In the beginning, he used to be the one threatening to cut me off. Now, after big arguments, I'm the one who blocks and ignores him. He gets hurt, and so do I, but because I don't show it, he thinks he isn't important to me. He’s so used to me cutting him off now that if I threaten it, he doesn't believe me or just asks, "For how long?" Our "no-contact" phases never last more than a month before we start speaking again. He insists he doesn't sabotage things and tries his best not to.

Another weird thing: when I say "I love you" to my friends, he genuinely freezes up with a look that is a mix of shock and hurt (I have never said it to him). And when we aren’t speaking, he constantly finds indirect ways to force us to interact, getting annoyed if I still ignore him. He also watches me constantly when we are out, tracking my movements and interactions, and will text me about it later, once saying, "You shouldn't be surprised that I see you when you don't see me."

Conclusion:

In person, our dynamic is amazing because I torment him playfully and we have a great time. Over text, it gets messy. I can honestly see why he won't fully choose me. Because of his behavior and his struggles with communication, I feel like I would get exhausted over time in an actual relationship, and we’d probably just break up anyway. I’ve accepted this side of him, but we are completely stuck in this limbo of wanting each other.

What is your conclusion based on all of this? Is this textbook avoidant behavior, or is something else going on here?

TL;DR: I’m stuck in a high-tension limbo with a guy who uses classic avoidant phrases (telling me to find someone else, pushing me away when close), but his actions are incredibly possessive, obsessed, and attentive. He treats me completely differently than his exes, gets intensely jealous, and we are stuck in a constant cycle of arguments and making up. What is going on with him?