Deciding whether to leave or work on things—need advice from those who have been through it
Hi All, this will be long but I will try to be as succinct as I can be. I also know this is only my side of the story, but it’s my truth and I am trying to decide whether to stay separated from my husband or try to reconcile.
My husband (35M), and myself (35F) have been married 12 years now. We were high school sweethearts. We broke up for a time during college, then got back together and were married at 22 before he deployed for the first time. When he returned from that deployment, I moved states away to where he was stationed. I drove an hour to and from work, and held down the household while he deployed a second time. After his military career, we moved cross country (which I gave up a promotion to do), for him to finish his bachelors degree in a specific program. He did not work while he was in school and I continued to work full time. Then I started a doctorate program, and continued to work throughout that. During my last year of the program, he moved back cross country to start grad school, and again I managed the household, dogs, etc as I finished my degree. He did not work during his grad program (but to his credit he did have GI Bill and some VA disability income). Once I graduated, I moved to him, giving up a guaranteed job offer. Thankfully, I found a job quickly where I moved to.
A few years ago, we had a late miscarriage, and we were both devastated. I have always had anxiety/depression issues but this obviously magnified that. Plus I work with babies so returning to work was incredibly difficult. Then, I got pregnant again and the pregnancy was stressful because of our previous experience. Thankfully my baby boy is perfectly healthy and the light of my life. However, after baby was born, my husband became way more distant and honestly was just being so cold towards me. I had bad PPD/PPA, and when I told him something was wrong and I wasn’t ok, he just said he can’t fix it for me and that he’s known something was wrong with me for a long time—he never said a word to me about it.
Then, he starts doing things like going to “happy hour” and not getting home until 2am. And he was talking about a girl from his new job a lot. I’ve met her. We’ve been to brunch, she was at our baby shower, etc. He has always had female friends and I have never once felt threatened by them. But with her my instincts went up. I told him multiple times I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he assured me they were just friends. But he wasn’t having sex with me. Was turning me down. I was breastfeeding and he even said he “doesn’t like milk” as an excuse not to be intimate with me. I will admit, I did not cope well with the stress of being a new mom and then worrying about my relationship, and I was drinking too often. One night I definitely had too much, and I own that completely and have taken steps to remedy that issue. I don’t remember what happened that night. And about a week later my husband just came out with it that that night “broke” him. And to this day, he refuses to tell me what was said. At first I kept wondering what I could have said or done that was so awful, but honestly now I’m starting to think it may be what HE said or did. And he proceeded to tell me he’s been unhappy for a really long time (couldn’t tell me how long), and that I’ve become withdrawn and don’t talk to him anymore, that we don’t laugh together anymore, etc etc. He told me he didn’t miss me and didn’t look forward to me coming back while I was on a trip I had taken (which I had spent the whole time wishing he was there because he would have loved it). About this point, I start looking at our phone bill. He’s been texting the girl from work on a daily basis. Hiding his phone, the whole lot. We start counseling, and during one of the sessions he tells me that he will never show me his phone because it breaks the trust of the people he’s talking to and none of those conversations are meant for me. He ends up asking for a 3 month separation and signs a lease at an apartment. At that point I agreed because I was on edge and walking on eggshells all the time. Plus I was positive he was cheating on me and he wouldn’t stop talking to her and wouldn’t admit it.
As the 3 months came to a close, we have a conversation and he basically tells me our relationship was death by a thousand knife cuts, I’m too emotional and he doesn’t know how to talk to me, I’m so anxious and he doesn’t want to say something that will send me over the edge, things like that. And he signed a year lease. Which I took as him being done with the marriage, but he still wouldn’t just say he was done.
So now we have been in this limbo for almost a year (he moved out end of August last year). I’ve consulted with a few attorneys but haven’t retained one as of yet. We have split time with our child, although I’m the childcare on days he works (or my mother is if we are both working). We have both been seeing individual therapists. And all of a sudden, he’s being super nice, wanting to chat more, and recently asked if we could go “get apps” soon and talk, and that he just needs 90 minutes of my time. I don’t know what his game is or what he wants. So now I’ll be anxious until then. Because I never know what is going to come out of his mouth. He still says he doesn’t know whether he wants in or out of the marriage. Since he’s been nicer/more like the man I know, I’m wondering if he’s wanting to work on things. Logically, I know he’s treated me poorly and I don’t think it’s best for me. But when you’ve loved someone since you were 16 it’s hard to say that and get out. I want more kids, I want a relationship, and the thought of dating in today’s world is terrifying.
I don’t know the full point of this post. I guess to rant. But I’d love advice on leaving vs. staying or people who have made it out the other side. Thankful for this community!