u/catsopersonandsad

so I need a powder blush, liquid blush, lip gloss setting powder and sunscreen, any recommendations??

So, I can't keep this short, there's a lot to say, starting off why I chose this community to post; cuz people on reddit come off as mature and all, they interact pretty fast too...I'm not sure about that, nor the fact that if my post is related, please don't attack me for it.

I don't know where to start, but, this feeling in my chest, I can't explain it, I don't know what it is I just know I need it out of me it's driving me crazy, grief perhaps, not over a person or a pet, but about my childhood, my life has been stolen from me, I don't know where I'll ever get a break, I'm falling apart, I can't take it anymore, the day I was born immediately into abuse, parents are violent and constantly fighting, my sister is even worse, and outside, the neighbors kid's hated me for some reason, nobody wanted to play with me, and they always bullied me, especially body shaming, from both parts (aka home and outside) I was called ugly, too fat, gross, disgusting, every name in the book to the point where when I looked in the mirror I saw a monster, not a human.

And the creepy old men...I can't even talk about that, the harassment and assault are too much to mention, it panics me to even think about it, there was absolutely no safe space to retreat to, and to top it off? I was and still am trapped, my parents never take us out anywhere, maybe two times when we were kids, and there'd be screaming and beatings after, I'm not exaggerating, if it wasn't to school, I'd probably never see sunlight, they only go out for doctors or stuff they need, that's it, my whole summer breaks have been between the same four walls since I was 10; where I was forbidden from playing outside after that, I feel like such a loser, my whole world is my phone, it broke this June, I can't use it anymore, and the depression that hit me in April only worsened, no escape, now the only thing I can do is stay up late at night like a maniac and sleep all day, I wake up to eat and go back to bed, I feel and look like shit.

It hurts, it hurts so much when I see my other friends talking about trips and vacations after break, or when they text me about it or post stories, I cry myself to sleep, I don't know anywhere beyond our city, it feels humiliating, I know they also have their struggles, but, I don't think I could say they ever felt like me, I feel like a caged animal, like something that isn't worth a sniff of fresh air, I don't know how to feel, I'm always anxious of death, what if I die before I ever get to experience freedom or go somewhere, even though I know, I might either be dead or a good future that I'm hoping for, but I've always wanted a trip with my parents, I'd never get to have that, they're already too old now, they would never go on trips with me, I have no friends, I don't know how to communicate, I can talk, but I come off as rude or blunt, I lost half my friendships to that, not even my teachers like me, except for some of them, pity perhaps and not "liking" me, it's not that I look weak, or poor, it's the complete opposite, misery doesn't always have to show, especially when you're the loudest, but I really can't take this anymore, I don't know what else to do.