u/charlies_randomstuf

My trauma mostly stems from this issue. People closest to me genuinely believe that I just love being problematic and that it doesn't cause me extreme suffering to excuse their own abusive behavior towards me. They can't possibly comprehend and fathom that when I'm not allowed outside whenever I want to be outside, it brings me back to my darkest memories and worst fears and it's not just a silly stupid naive whimsy. It hurts so bad that I'm essentially slowly dying because people can't comprehend that I need the right to go outside and that I've already done everything I can to escape my toxic family situation. I can't get out because I'm frozen by every bad memory where I have already tried to escape and faced horrific betrayal and pain and punishment. I hate when people doubt my extreme anger towards my abusers and try to say it's not that bad. U HAVEN'T LIVED MY LIFE OF COURSE IT DOESN'T FEEL THAT BAD TO YOU STOP PROJECTING YOUR DISAGREEING SELF ON ME. My anger is a self defensive survival mechanism but I've already been so angry and haven't escaped, I'm just frozen.

I was always somewhat aware of it throughout my life. I've always had late assignments in school and finished assignments slower than everyone else. Teachers and my parents would say I have potential because I had decent test scores so they knew I wasn't slow at learning and I loved reading books, I had a decent pace at that because it was enjoyable with less deadlines and I was interested in what the teachers were trying to teach me, I could listen and remember mostly. With socializing, I struggled to have long term friendships and had severe social anxiety and I never had enough time to finish my assignments so I never had enough time for socializing in my childhood and I was too socially anxious and my parents didn't build or give enough independence for me to form friendships in the summers either.

Also because of my 99% unmedicated exercise asthma I was usually one of, if not the slowest runners in my class and the only physical exercise thing I excelled at was stretching because of my hypermobility. After developing scoliosis around 11 years old the chronic pain has made me more disabled too and makes task initiation even worse. I was also super slow at eating and I have memories of being some of the last students to finish eating lunch, and if I wanted to make time during lunch to finish late assignments, I would eat half my lunch to make time. On school nights, starting around 12 years old, I would sleep 5 hours or less to make more time to finish my assignments and I would sleep before waking up to do my assignments because my scoliosis pain from the school day would hurt too bad for me to focus to do my work immediately after school, so I would set an alarm to wake up after midnight to do my work. I was always chipping away at myself to make time because I can't get more accomodations and support and healthcare especially because advocating for myself was too terrifying and I would often be invalidated when I did try.

Around maybe 12 years old I identified the feeling causing my late assignments in school as anxiety but I still didn't really have a name for it. Around 18 years old when it got really bad I probably discovered the word executive dysfunction around then maybe? I'm not exactly sure when I've started using it. Now I'm 22 and my life feels like it just keeps going downhill as all of the daily failures build up. I sometimes force myself to eat rotting food because I struggle to finish eating it in time and it's too painful to put it away earlier or throw it away and I can't prioritize eating enough especially because my sleep schedule is also off. Earlier this year I went about 6 months without washing my hair, but I brushed my hair and showered enough to not become too much of a mess, plus I struggle to go outside too so I tried not to bother people with my presence. Most days of my adult life are spent on my phone in bed.

I feel like I most likely have CPTSD freeze causing my severe task initiation paralysis because the times it worsens overlaps with painful events in my life and when my quality of life declines. I feel like my parents haven't tried harder to get me help because they won't give me the adult freedoms I need and they probably blame it on me to a degree and won't acknowledge how they contribute to it. I've never been able to move away from my parents for freedom because I can barely do anything.

About 36 hours ago I spent most of the night sobbing. Crying is the only time I feel so much relief and healing these days because my parents don't like the reason I cry, so I have to hide it from them and around the time I couldn't cry as much as I wanted to anymore, my life definitely also worsened a lot around then. But crying also doesn't fix my environment or change enough to prevent all of this from happening, the cycle still continues to wear me down. I don't know what my future is going to be like because I have so little control and other parts of my life are unpredictable.

So 2 years ago around the time of my 20th birthday in 2024 some of my closest friends were horrible to me, villainized me, blamed me, blocked me, threatened to turn my abusive parents against me, I don't know what details that would break the rule of no rants. It hit the worst anger pain I've felt ever, because it's lasting so long, and in some ways I'm grateful because it gave me a deeper understanding and empathy for severe anger that I lacked before, but it still hurts a lot and it's a burden, but it's not that I don't want to be angry, I understand my anger wants to fix the issue even though it can't be fixed. I never really thought of myself as an angry person, defined by anger, I would get annoyed at things especially with my family, but I wouldn't describe myself as someone with anger issues.

Even with this one event/topic, I guess part of why it's so frustrating is the solution looks so easy to me, but I can't do it myself because I don't feel responsibility in it, I want the people I'm mad at to apologize more than anything. It's also connected to how with my problems in life, I feel so unsupported with my severe executive dysfunction. No one in my life does enough to help me achieve true strong independence, I feel like I constantly have to give up my autonomy, choice, freedom, time, and people constantly give painful and naive advice I never asked for but not the help I actually need, and that's what happened 2 years ago. With what happened 2 years ago, they also even gave unsolicited advice to hurt me further before they blocked me in a snobby way to get the last word in as a disgusting dominance power play.

Possibly against the rules rant section:

The whole time these "friends" were saying that they were being responsible and prioritizing everyone's safety and framing themselves as the righteous heroes vs me as the villain, they wouldn't even recognize how they were making the situation more dangerous through trying to correct my behavior. Like they said I was too loud, there were ways we could've worked that out together that they refuse to acknowledge. They said I was being too risky while they constantly take more risks than I do. They said I ruined an important trip for them when they have more freedom and resources than I ever have, they go on trips every year, they only pointed out 3 nights that I was problematic for them, because they didn't want to work with me to solve any issues, they wanted me to obey and punish me for disobedience. They shamed me for using the bathroom at night too loudly on my birthday, I had unpredictable gut issues from horrible health problems, and they also have gut issues and health problems, they never apologized for their hypocrisy and ableism. They also have abusive parents and family issues, they never apologized. They wanted to hold me accountable so I wouldn't hurt other people but I know they have a past of relationship issues where they would frame themselves as the victims of. They said I was hard to talk to when a few months before that moment, I was the one comforting them because someone else told them they were hard to talk to, I told them it's not their fault, communication goes both ways. I was accused of blocking people out when they blocked me first.

They accused me of being slow when they joked about being a slow burden before because of their own disability, I also have a severe chronically painful progressive deformative disability, severe scoliosis, severe executive dysfunction, I've been deprived, I have barely been able to do anything in my life and I just wanted to see the stars in low light pollution for the first time in my life, they acknowledged I wasn't trying to be hurtful but they still insisted that I could've just waited, I should just apologize, I should just move on. They made a tiktok referencing me calling me childish while trying to tattle to my parents and I know they want to be a teacher someday so it was like sadistic roleplay for them.

All of the friends who left me in the situation were bullied before, and they would never apologize for bullying me because they see my reasoning as stupid. There is no one to hold them accountable. They knew they could just hurt someone that can't fight back. I was angry because I was trying to stand up for myself and that was too far for them because they saw it as too dangerous, to just go a few footsteps away from the group to see the stars. Their version of safety was keeping me indoors or in the car, controlling me because they can't control the situation.

When I ask for a bit of responsibility for them that's too far, they see their job as instructing me and are tired by my disobedience. I even tried to apologize at first, but to the people who weren't even originally involved and were my friends first, they never deserved an apology at all. That's a deeper betrayal, but I cared about them a lot more for caring for me a lot more over the years so I'm not as mad at them, but still mad. They just wanted to judge a situation they know nothing about while saying they understand me. They wanted to correct me. I thought I remembered that they wanted to take a stargazing trip before, but they thought I was wrong just because it wasn't officially my own trip. My parents paid $120 something US dollars to those horrible people for me to be on that trip, to me as like a birthday present. My backstabbers tried to tell me they weren't hurting me that bad, while I'm telling them it's one of the most painful events in my life.

They were telling me I had no way of knowing I wasn't being shot at or about to be kidnapped at night when I was looking around with my flashlight at night constantly, our car tire had popped on the side of a mountainside road with a view of the city lights and stars and no visible clear path where someone could be shooting at us, the area was a no hunting zone. It was infinitely more likely to be a car tire popping and they let themselves out of the car! The main leader of the trip and their girlfriend, and they stopped someone else from getting out of the car too, for a shooting threat. My backstabbing friends who weren't even there tried to tell me not to believe my lying eyes, that I had no way of knowing there wasn't a shooter. I have never heard of someone shooting at a car like that in central California near the national parks. If it was a robbery, they would've immediately shown themselves.

When they went out to check their car, they immediately assumed I was in a psychosis relapse about to wander off from the group the moment I stepped out of the car. The only thing that the main leader said was asking me to get back in the car. They framed the situation as me being babysat and comforted when I was asking people for an explanation and the only thing I was told was that they wanted to keep everyone safe in one place which didn't make sense to me because they didn't tell me they assumed I was trying to wander off, I had told them when they asked me to get back into the car that I just wanted a pic of the stars and city lights. I was a bit mad and frustrated but I had calmed down, until when we got back to the rented cabin and they talked behind my back claiming I had gone into a psychosis relapse and when I cried about being terrified of being surrounded by people who assume the worst of me, they only talked to me about what happened after we all got home, claiming I had crocodile tears and was the most inconsiderate and selfish person on the trip. That I had kept everyone awake, but I thought if sleep was so important, we could've had a discussion about how to help people sleep more or better, but they never acknowledged that.

At the start of the trip, I had made a joke about how people could claim I was just crazy if I accidentally died somehow and they wouldn't get blamed, I didn't think they would actually use my traumatic mental health experiences against me, behind my back. When I actually was experiencing anything close to psychosis, I had gone to sleep, the only times I went out to see the stars were when I had 0 symptoms because I had slept earlier, and also I had no significant uncontrollable delusions. Assuming someone shot at us when there was no one around is closer to a psychosis delusion and disconnect from reality than anything I ever felt on a the trip.

I'm glad I have some good memories with this account over the past 7 years 🎉👏🥳

I got locked out of 2 of my other accounts and this one. Forced password reset because of "suspicious activity" don't know what that means, but not my main question. I used my current phone to reset the password of the first one, went well.

Second account, I tap the link to the password reset page and put in my second username, this one, it says "An error occurred. Please disable any extensions or try using a different web browser to continue." I have no extensions. I tried a different web browser, same message, no extensions.

I google the issue a bit, seems like reddit has flagged my device as suspicious for trying to password reset 2 accounts but they were the ones who forced it on me and I'm already mad because this did not make my account safer because there was no threat. I switched over my accounts to my new phone and I think this is what triggered it.

So I go on my old barely functional phone, I manage to get a password reset on that one, but now I can't get a password reset for the last account reddit locked me from. What am I supposed to do?

Also this entire situation was caused by another reddit error. Reddit logged me out of all of my accounts on my old less functional phone, I'm pretty sure it's just a bug that Reddit hasn't fixed somehow which is incredibly frustrating on top of this.

A few days ago my mom laughed at me when I told her I wanted crutches for my scoliosis, then she accused me of wanting crutches to copy people with leg injuries, and then my dad also invalidated me because he saw crutches as only for leg injuries.

This was very hurtful to me especially because I had to spend my entire childhood being unmedicated for exercise asthma especially during PE in school so I was forced to run and this would trigger horrible asthma attacks. Then I also wasn't given an exemption from running for my scoliosis either, even though it's known to worsen scoliosis and when i brought this up to the school nurse, her first instinct was to invalidate and belittle my concerns by saying my curve probably wasn't that serious and I also wasn't able to advocate for myself more because of severe social anxiety that also caused me to be in other horrific situations where I couldn't advocate for myself more. I feel like I have CPTSD from all of this.

I feel instant relief from my pain when I lean with my arms while standing, against chairs, kind of like how crutches work so i feel like crutches would help so much. I wish physical therapy could be free for people with scoliosis too because it's super unfair that money causes unfairness in scoliosis treatments.

I hate when people lecture me, "we can't have (insert advancements in scoliosis research and treatment) because no one funds it" as if they think I don't know about it 😭 I wish our community was more organized to fight for our rights but obviously it's been purposefully made difficult to do so. Stop lecturing me on the obvious cause of our issues without talking about the solution, because the way people bring it up tends to be in such a doomer way, that's treating me like I'm stupid to believe in change.

These doctors have studied so much of theur lives about the spine and surgeons do multiple spinal fusion surgeries. But my doctor wasn't able to give any specific examples to me that would actually fully prove why certain activities aren't allowed after fusion? It's legally required for them to tell risks but they're not required to give us actual examples to help us understand it better.

If these activities are so dangerous, it would really help to be given real examples of people who have had fusion who have done risky things and gotten hurt from it versus people who haven't gotten hurt from it. I hate how disconnected the disability community is that this information isn't organized into an easy to find place. I'm just expected to follow doctor's orders without being given the research behind what he says.

I got my wisdom teeth out earlier today and I was only given ibuprofen and a steroid for pain relief. The dentist was nice and considerate during the extraction and giving me the numbing shot, but I feel like the world has genuinely gone insane with the restrictions on pain management. I couldn't even find clove oil in the grocery store, I found a small bottle of whole cloves and had to wait for them to soften up in my spit to crumble the buds up and they finally did some numbing.