Struggling.
Its weird how Ive known of my sexuality and accepted it half my life ago, but just recently started to really struggle with it. Its like, I could always tell myself Id one day know how to be and get the kinda things I want, and now I feel like I waited too long and Im forcing myself to get out there, and doing it makes me realize just how insanely envious I am of straight people and their lifepaths. That they get to have an example of how to be literally everywhere all the time. Its so hard sometimes. Like I cannot believe the way that these young chicks get to act and be free and have the hottest guys fucking die for them.
I wish I was more of a masculine dude, and I know its not inherently tied to our sexuality that Im not, like a lot of you here are, but the dream of being that straight dude whos had everyone around him push him to get out there and date from his early teens, and knows exactly what to do to get it is constantly on my mind. Nothings stopping me from becoming a hunk but it just wouldnt be me like I would actually hate to look like that myself. The thought of that kills me inside - libido gone, dating feels meh, numb inside.
Im just sad man. I dont think its gonna get better for me, not to fish for empathy points. I just truly dont. Like the level of gayness in me and the special flavor of it is something so isolating that Ill always be out here just wishing Id get to start over in a better world. Its so depressing that just as I thought life was starting in the gay world it seems like its ended, and seeing examples of that shit everywhere is depressing.