u/chilled-tapioca

Hey everyone, I (26F) have identified as bi for the past decade after finally realizing it when I was 16 (there were definitely signs of attraction to women before this). I’ve mostly dated guys, and I have generally been confident in my attraction towards guys, though I’ve also dated two women (one cis and less serious and one trans which was very serious).

I am currently dating another guy, and he’s wonderful. I’m just confused about my sexuality more generally and what exactly I’m experiencing.

Every few months (it’s probably happened 4 times in the past year) I get really obsessed with the notion that I’m attracted to women and start feeling like I may never be able to be with a guy. It’s so intense and makes me really miss being with women and in queer spaces (it’s been about 4 years). I find many women attractive, and I get much more nervous and flustered from them than with men. I find men attractive, and I am interested in dating them, but it feels different. Sometimes I worry I shouldn’t be dating men because of how romantically I feel towards women and how excited some of them make me (like giddy), but I also worry that I would miss men if I dated a woman and that the same thing would happen. Even though I have these periods where I feel so gay, there are other periods where I feel more straight and get confused about why that happened to me, and then I feel fine with men.

Yet, whenever I do date men, I get really sad and uncomfortable when I can’t have sex with them in less of a heteronormative way. Ie, I want them to sit on my lap, be the little spoon, etc. I get turned on by being the top and participating in activities that most of them deny liking or being interested in. When that happens, I can start to feel smothered in a relationship, and I start thinking about how I want to find a woman or even another man who is less heteronormative in that way. It’s so confusing and has been happening since I was in my late teens. The best times I’ve had with guys is when I date ones who are a bit…twinky?

Like I said, I’m dating this really wonderful guy at the moment. It’s been about a month and a half. He seems to be pretty heteronormative, but he did sit on my lap during sex last time (!!!) and did some other things that I really like and feel “aligned” with. He knows I’m bi and is totally cool with it (like into it, but he’s monogamous). But I am starting to have one of those gay moments where I can’t stop thinking about being with a woman (though I rarely imagine sexual situations, just thinking about them makes me feel sexual and romantic energy). I am still attracted to him and romantically interested, but with men it feels so much more “even,” rather than the extreme excitement I get from thinking about being with a woman (which also makes me nervous).

I also have worried that gay women might not want to be with me since I have dated men and don’t have much experience with girls, and I also worry that I’m participating in a bit of comphet that is just all the more confusing because I am genuinely bi.

Does anyone else experience these fluctuations or difficulties with attraction? Am I actually a lesbian, even though I feel like I like men?